Nap Attacks

Upcoming DJ thingy and updates about stuff

2011-01-17T17:26:00.000-08:00

I'll be DJing a "Girls Get Ready" party at the old Bottle Rocket Portland home, Beauty Bar, this Saturday night from 6-10. Graye bumped into me at karaoke a few weeks back and asked if I could do it, and it sounds like fun, so LET'S GO YEAH.

Rick's gonna be my DJ buddy, and we're playing girl group stuff and things that ladies would wanna hear whilst getting their hair/nails done up all pretty like. I think this is just the sort of thing that Beauty Bar was made for. I'm still too busy to try and launch another Bottle Rocket residency, so I welcome this little one-off.

I've also been asked to DJ my girlfriend's sister's wedding this summer. So...yeah. Looking forward to that.

There's a fair amount going on in 2011. I don't think I can swing another international trip this year, so I'll have to keep all the funtimes in North America. I'm likely going to the east coast in early May for my cousin's wedding and my mom's 50th, which is likely my only big-ish jaunt.

I'm listening to Broadcast and getting real sad about Trish Keenan's passing.

Books...books...books...so much reading this term. I'm taking Political Science (US Gov't & policies), Microeconomics, and US History 1919-present. Feeling strong about all but Microeconomics, which throws my brain into a tizzy with all of the graphs and numbers. NUMBERS SCARE.

Katrina just watched some documentary about Stress and how it kills you.

I just watched the first 6 episodes of Party Down. Love it.

I REALLY REALLY WANNA SEE BLUE VALENTINE. I've pushed back my best of 2010 movie post until I see it.

BIKE BIKE BIKE I NEED TO GET A BIKE.

My 30 favourite albums of 2010

2010-12-27T18:59:00.001-08:00

2010 was an absolute banner year for music...I think. I mean, at least the kind of stuff I like. I have no idea how the "industry" is doing, nor do I really care anymore. It's easier than ever to make music without getting signed, and some bigger artists are doing just fine with touring without writing #1 singles. Point is, music is getting better.

30. Owen Pallett - Heartland
29. Gil Scott Heron – I’m New Here
28. Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Before Today
27. First Aid Kit – The Big Black and the Blue
26. MIA – Maya
25. Dum Dum Girls – I Will Be
24. Wild Nothing - Gemini
23. The Vaselines – Sex With An X
22. The Radio Dept - Clinging To a Scheme
21. Crystal Castles – s/t
20. Big Boi - Sir Luscious Leftfoot: The Legend of Chico Dusty
19. Spoon – Transference
18. No Age – Everything In Between
17. The National – High Violet
16. Deerhunter – Halcyon Digest
15. Sleigh Bells – Treats
14. Betty and the Werewolves - Tea Time Favourites
13. Belle and Sebastian – Write About Love
12. Arcade Fire – The Suburbs
11. Los Campesinos – Romance is Boring

10. Joanna Newsom – Have One On Me

I remember the astonishment I felt when I first laid eyes on this album - I was at Amoeba Records in Berkeley, and the album was there on the racks, weeks before its official release date. This was one of my most anticipated albums of the year, as Newsom's majestic Ys was one of my favourite albums of the past decade. Have One On Me is an enormous album in more ways than one - it took me nearly the entire year to digest it. But when I finally did, I was rewarded with one hell of an experience. While Ys had too few songs on it, this album certainly has too many, but that's a problem I'm not bothered having.

9. Kanye West – Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

I admit, I wasn't entirely familiar with Kanye's music. The most I knew was that he was sort of an interesting lunatic who had a rough year before this sonic boom of an album dropped. I'm blown away by Kanye's production skills, but at the same time a bit disappointed by his sheer arrogance. Not a flawless album, but a fascinating document of a brilliant madman.

8. Allo Darlin' – Allo Darlin'

I first saw Allo Darlin as part of the NYC popfest, and that was it - one of the best performances of the year and I was in love. This is the new indiepop crush that I'd been waiting for - tender, playful songs about Woody Allen, Sweden, and kissing.

7. Sufjan Stevens – The Age of Adz

Sufjan is scary talented. After taking a few years off from releasing a proper album, Sufjan drops the fantastic All Delighted People ep, and follows it up with a full-length that says I will continue to win. His foray into electronics is divisive, and though he can overdo it with the angelic sounds, the end result is something totally unexpected and utterly enjoyable. Oh, and "Impossible Soul" may be the best 20-something minute track since Sonic Youth's "The Diamond Sea".

6. Janelle Monae – Archandroid

I still don't love Janelle Monae, but that may be that I'm still in shock by her limitless talent. She's seemingly come out of nowhere and put out an album that has her crushing the worlds of indie and hip-hop, like a female James Brown, if James Brown were doing some of that gender-fuck Bowie stuff.

5. Titus Andronicus – The Monitor

If this album had come out 10 years ago, I would have put it at the top of my list. The Monitour has a sound so huge it seems to fill the canyon that has been empty since At The Drive-In broke up. Well done lads.

4. Robyn – Body Talk

Does anyone in the world write a better dance/pop song than Robyn? And those lyrics are fucking killer - "I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before" tears at my heart every time.

3. Best Coast – Crazy for You

It's all about Bethany - a sweet girl writing innocent pop songs about boys, weed, and her cat. These are the songs you sing along to while driving with the windows down. I don't know how this isn't the number 1 album in like a billion countries right now.

2. Beach House – Teen Dream

This is the second straight Beach House album that I've put at number 2, and I should start referring to them as one of my favourite artists. Teen Dream is an absolutely shimmering slice of dream pop that, while constantly sleepy, never tires. They're the new Portishead - music for seduction or suicide. And that's a good thing.

1. LCD Soundsystem – This Is Happening
awesome interview with The Onion

Like his female equivalent Robyn, James Murphy writes emotional dance music. After writing the best song of the decade ("All My Friends" of course) and taking some time off to, you know, grow up a bit more, Murphy and the LCDSS transcended their already soaring apex to deliver the Kid A to their OK Computer. LCDSS have always sounded hip, but in that impossibly timeless fashion.

When Composure Returns

2010-12-20T00:37:00.000-08:00

I came back to Portland.

In all honesty, this wasn't what I had hoped when I booked my Bowlie 2 ticket way back in March. My relationship was off the rails, and I wasn't having any luck in the job market. I thought my time in Portland was coming to an end.

She met me at the airport. Smiles, hugs, kisses, and a long sleep with her in my arms.

More often than not these days, I feel miles from the gripping depression that has nearly always ruled my life. Perhaps it's the medication and therapy.

I returned to the UK for Bowlie 2. Everyone has asked me why I was going abroad, and I kept giving the simple answer - "a music festival". True, technically, though the real reason was deeper than that. Back in March I had this whole plan in my head of sticking around far longer, which would have inevitably led to my stay breaching the boundaries of immigration law, in one last grand hail-mary for UK citizenship.

But this wasn't the time for such reckless behaviour. What this trip was about, ultimately, was my reconciliation with reality. That reality is that I am not a UK citizen, I have no romantic interests that would lead to that status, and I am going to visit purely as a friend of a number of British folks.

Walking around London, in my sleepless, jet-lagged state, I had realized that my conception of "home" has no foundation. I felt as if I had never even left London...or perhaps that I had just gone on a very long journey and was returning to an uncompassionate home. London, like my technical home, NYC, is a cold, unforgiving, unsentimental, bloodsucking city that can turn angels to stone. There is something about London and NYC that I carry in my blood; it's a trait that I dislike very much - the part of me that walks too fast, refuses to look people in the eye, and never stop to admire something beautiful for the sake of being better than the tourists who actually do. Don't get me wrong, I loved living in London. My ambitious, successful side thrived in London, which is less soul-crushing than NYC. And when I was wandering around those grey streets, I felt sad knowing that it was no longer my home. I always figured I'd have a better shot at "making it" in London than anywhere in the USA.

While Portland feels nice, it often feels like a transitional place. I'd like very much to overcome that feeling and establish the sort of bonds in Portland that I did in Glasgow.

Glasgow. If ever a place felt like Home, it was dear old Glasgow. Regretfully, I did not have time to visit Glasgow, but fortunately enough anyone I was ever friends or even acquaintances with was in Minehead for Bowlie 2. And it was all there - the faces, the hugs, the music, the dancing, the accents, the drinks, the xo's at the end of texts...all of the things I loved about my life in the UK was condensed into this one freezing weekend in Minehead. Two-and-a-half years summed up over three days.

The music was incredible, though I don't mean to write any sort of review. I barely took any pictures, since my iPhone camera is rubbish for that sort of thing. Highlights included the sincerity of pop legends The Zombies, the frenetic energy of The Go Team, the joyous spark of Those Dancing Days, the astonishing mastery of music by Dirty Projectors, and the inspiration of Edwyn Collins. Dancing to Neutral Milk Hotel and Hefner at How Does it Feel to Be Loved? was another great time.

Then there was Belle and Sebastian. The band, whose leader, Stuart Murdoch, I first met in Brooklyn in 2005 and had a chat about studying in Scotland. I was looking at Edinburgh, and he swayed me to check out Glasgow. Ironically, B&S never played a single gig during the two years I lived in Glasgow.

Their Bowlie 2 set was one of the most emotional experiences I've had in quite some time. Each time they played one of those old songs - the ones that I would have in my head as I walked around Glasgow on any given day - I would go to a happy place in my head and just cozy up with the tune as if it were an old lover. But like all old lovers, there's an emotional tipping point. For me, it would be the very last song that I every played as a Bottle Rocket DJ in Glasgow, on my last ever night in Scotland, almost exactly two years ago. Sleep the Clock Around, the band's final song of their set, was a fitting climax. In those five minutes of cascading, gorgeous sound, all of those memories from my last hours in Glasgow came flooding back. I just wanted Laura there to hug me like she did two years ago. Perhaps my tears were accelerated by the fact that Laura was the only notable absence at Bowlie, as she's moved to Canada. For some reason, she's always my best friend in my dreams. Like my Scottish sidekick.

I saw Chris and Lucy and Susan. Sunday night, I did the thing that was hardest to do, but something that I have learned is very important - I knew when to leave. In fact, I did this throughout my wee trip - I tried not to linger too long.

I left on my own.

I came back to Portland.

I didn't want to hurt you

2010-11-19T22:37:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the dark listening to Teenage Fanclub. I need more of this in my life.

This morning I had a health scare, which is like, really strange. After a lovely evening of sushi and Harry Potter, Katrina and I snuggled up under the duvet and fell asleep. I woke up a few times during the night with some strange chest pains, and didn't really pay it any mind until about 8am, when I started to have difficulty breathing and couldn't get back to sleep.

Now, I may be overweight, but I'm a relatively healthy guy. The only disorder that I've ever been diagnosed with has been depression/anxiety, and that's being treated, with quality results I might add. Either way, I'm not someone who eats terribly, and I'm not especially lazy. I work full time and study full time, so my time is well occupied and, at the end of the day, I feel like a fairly productive human being.

I'm not supposed to worry about having a heart attack. As the pain radiating from the left side of my chest started to become more acute with each breath, I started to freak out a little bit. As Katrina slept silently (she really is a fantastic sleeper), I consulted the internet, feeding my symptoms to google. Various heart issues came up, and I felt it might be time to wake up my partner and throw some drama into our cozy little situation. Katrina was a star, getting up and showing compassion and concern every step of the way. I phoned a nurse via my health insurance, and, after a chat about my symptoms, the nurse said "You need to get into Urgent Care within the hour", at which point I shed a nervous tear and felt as if my life was about to change forever.

Am I really going to have a heart attack at 32?? Is that how it's going to be? In the blink of an eye, I was seeing my own underwhelming obituary.

Katrina took me to the Urgent Care office, where, even though there was a room full of people waiting to get in, I was taken right away due to my symptoms. The staff was friendly and patient, and they explained everything to me (I ask lots of questions). I ended up in there for about two hours, and was seen by four different specialists. I had an EKG, which is where they put those sticky pads on your body and attach wires to them (the removal of the sticky pads resulted in the removal of a few tufts of chest hair). I had some chest x-rays done, which was pretty rad because I was able to see my heart (the burst of light in your chest) inside my huge fuck-off rib cage. Blood was drawn.

The doctors were confused. They said that my vitals were fine, my x-rays were fine, my EKG was normal, etc. They took my blood because they were afraid I may have suffered a minor heart attack, or perhaps had an embolism. An embolism! "Holy shit" read the thought bubble over my worried head. "That girl from Clerks died from an embolism. She was like, what, 25 or something?". And you know what I'm talking about, right? It's just a plotline in Clerks, wherein Dante and Randall go to the funeral of Dante's ex, who had died from an embolism in a swimming pool. Yeah, it's fictional, it's even Kevin Smith fictional, but that's my only frame of reference for an embolism. Anyway, Randall knocks the casket over, and her fucking body fell out.

I don't want Randall knocking my casket over.

A few hours later, I get a call from the doc's office. The blood work came back normal. No embolism, not today. No heart attack. The chest pains (which I'm still experiencing, sadly) are due to stress. STRESS. Just thinking about it stresses me the fuck out.

I've been doing well in Portland. I'm on medication for my depression/anxiety, which I feel has made a huge difference. My girlfriend and therapist both agree with that assessment, as I've made huge improvements regarding my mental state in the past five months. I know I'm super busy, but I'm not bugging out. Sure, I'm working full-time, studying full-time, in a great relationship, and heading out to the UK in a few short weeks. I've taken a few months off of screenwriting because it doesn't fit my schedule. I've also stopped going to the gym for the same reason. I've all but stopped blogging. I barely have time to prepare for Bottle Rocket anymore. I have a bunch of emails from friends that I need to respond to, but just don't have the time. I've traded movies for TV, simply for time management purposes.

I'm busy, aye, but I'm not bugging out about it. I'm a grown up with responsibilities, and I'd rather not complain to everyone about how I don't have time to do anything - that would be counter productive. And I don't feel the crushing level of anxiety that I have in the past (thanks citalopram!). But my body, my fucking body, is starting to crack under the stress.

I've got to take it easy. It's not as simple as it seems; I've got the busiest week of the year at work, during which I'm working 8 straight days without a day off. I've got final exams and papers due very shortly. I've still got to book a train to Minehead from London, as well as figure out some sort of London accommodation. So yeah, there's a lot on my plate, and I can't handle this workload like I did ten years ago. But I'm pulling aces in my classes, and I'm a valued employee at my job. Not to mention that I've got the most spectacular girlfriend in the long and storied history of Joseph's Girlfriends.

After all this scary shit, I'm ok.

At least it got me to dedicate some time to myself.

Meet the Parents

2010-09-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, I'm fine. SO fine. More than fine, even.

I've just gotten back from a weekend up in the Seattle area. Two days spent in Woodinville, WA with Katrina's family and friends. Woodinville is a northern suburb of Seattle, one that is populated by small families living in large (maybe million dollar?) homes in little cul-de-sac neighborhoods (Travis refers to these as McMansions). The commercial district is neatly planned, with deep-set plazas on either side of the main street, offering up every large box chain store that middle-to-upper class America could want, with parking lots as wide and sprawling as Rome. There is a cinema, a great big AMC with 12 screens, showing every film in the Box Office Top 10 (side note - I saw The Town, it was very good).

I've not spent a lot of time in places like this. Mostly, they're the sort of towns that one might see on television or in movies made for mass appeal by people who have lived in these sort of towns. Basically, it's pretty rich, but not super rich. I went to undergrad at Purchase, in Westchester, one of the wealthiest counties in the USA. Westchester was power wealth, where the Clintons and many Yankees lived. You couldn't even see those homes, only the gates near the street that opened up to the 1/2 mile long driveway to their majestic palace on the hill. Woodinville was not Westchester, not by a long shot. But it was still intimidating, because this is the "normal" standard of living for my girlfriend and her friends & family. A standard that I cannot meet.

Katrina's parents were quiet, reserved, stoic, and rational. The sort of people who you would expect have been reasonable with their finances and never let their heart get in the way of their decision making process. To be clear, these are character traits that I admire to an extent, but make me feel insecure and uncomfortable, mostly because they are quite alien to me. I'm very happy with Katrina, and this trip was a turning point in our relationship.

I have mostly done very well with parents of my partners. Some parents may look down at my career situation and/or upbringing, but none have ever accused me of lacking in character or kindness. None have ever thought me a "bad" boyfriend.

Being "too old" for someone is something completely new to me. And this seems to be the one sticking point in my current situation. Katrina and I are comfortable with each other, and the age difference (I'm 31, she's 21) hasn't ever been an issue. We're both awesome; she gets along with my friends and I hers. I'm a late bloomer and she's experienced beyond her years, so we match up quite well. Also, being in academia, I've known plenty of couples who are happy and have an even greater age gap. Plus, Katrina and I make a damned cute couple. Point is, age isn't an issue, but her parents aren't so comfortable with it.

I'm going to just let it be. I'm writing this now more as a document of the state of things after the first meeting. And to be honest, I thought it went pretty well. I made both her parents laugh, I engaged each of them in conversation, and even got a haircut and beard trimming before our meeting. I made a good, solid, respectable effort. And I think that they really do like me, but they're just not ready to show it yet.

*******

She told me she loved me. We had just finished our tour of the Experience Music Project and the Science Fiction Museum. We had a 10-minute jam session (she on the drums and I on the guitar/keyboard). We saw The Death Star, and the tree from The Fountain. Then we got on the monorail, with the Space Needle and a pretty autumn sky, blue w/white cotton clouds over her shoulder, and she smiled and just said the words I've been aching to hear.

Travis calls this an "info dump"

2010-07-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hello internets! It's been quite a while. I hadn't any cash flow so we were far apart; the only way we could be together would involve lugging my lappy in my poor decimated backpack to public libraries around town. Cramped between old stinky hobos and applying for jobs I'm terribly over-qualified for was a daily routine.

BUT NO MORE! Because I've actually landed one of those jobs, and I've got internet IN MY FLAT NOW.

I'm working at a health food store which is sort of like a smaller, less corporate version of Whole Foods. Everyone is friendly, and I've been referred to as "dude" and "bro" more in the past week than during any other period of my life. It's a bit of grunt work, but I've only been there for a week and my assistant manager is already encouraging me to apply for a promotion, so I feel like it's going well. Most of the people who work there are grossly overqualified for their jobs, but they're happy to be there, so I don't feel so bad.

Since I last wrote, I've been taking celexa on a daily basis. A few days ago I started to feel like the drug was finally kicking in, because I felt happy, confident, and optimistic for the first time in a long time. Then, all of a sudden, I woke up yesterday morning with a great sense of dread and found myself lunging for my medication. Obviously, it didn't help. I'm only on week 3 of the medication, and it's not meant to start being effective until 4-6 weeks in. My feelings are more environmental than anything at the moment. The Happiness is related to lovely girl, newfound employment and Bottle Rocket all being in place. The Sadness, well, that's just the chemicals in my brain still being jerky.

Also, there's therapy. So yeah, I'm doing that. It's sort of the ghetto therapy for low-income folks like myself, so I'm going to a local charity and paying $5 a session to talk to a grad student and be videotaped as research. I'm ok with all that. And the great thing about therapy is that I never feel like I've said too much, a fear that I have in social situations. I'm a difficult case, because I already know the root of my problem and I know what's wrong, I just don't know how to make everything work out in order to actually FEEL happiness. My issues are fairly hardcore, and I don't feel as if my therapist is equipped to deal with me. She's very nice, and will often compliment me on my accomplishments and my self-awareness, but that's the kind of support that I need from a friend, not a therapist. And I do have good friends, so those needs are being met.

What else is new...

I saw Inception, and I'll leave it at that. Some friends in the UK may not have seen it yet, so I don't want to discuss it just yet. It's absolutely worth seeing, and will provide as much debate as just about any contemporary film can.

That's really the only new film I've seen. Been so skint that I'm missing a slew of films including Mic Macs, Winter's Bone, Toy Story 3, I Am Love, Please Give, Secret In Their Eyes, Cyrus and...I'm sure there's more. But that's already about $70 worth of movie tickets that I can't swing.

Luckily, music is easier to acquire. I'm in love with the Best Coast album above all others. It's just simple, female-fronted 2-minute fuzz-pop love songs, and it's perfect. 2010 is an incredible year for music, I can't even get my head around all of the noteworthy albums that have come out; my year-end post promises to be gushing. And there's still albums by Radiohead, Belle & Sebastian, and Of Montreal to come! OH JEEZ.

And the new Arcade Fire album...this one is sure to be divisive because they're the biggest indie band of the past decade and they've made a fairly stripped down "mature" rock record. I know how it sounds at the moment - fairly unimpressive by their standards - but where Funeral and Neon Bible sounded immediate and majestic, The Suburbs is much more of a grower. It may not be the most exciting album of theirs, but the lyrics here are very strong, and will shine through after a dozen or so listens. I have confidence in this album.

ALSO, in an attempt to find New Things to enjoy, I've started reading the Scott Pilgrim books. They're super cute and fun, and I can relate to a number of the dilemmas that Scott finds himself in (being "too" sincere, dealing with evil ex-boyfriends). I like it.

One last thing. The Moth is my favourite podcast, and you should subscribe to it. The Moth features original stories read on stage in front of a live audience without notes. It's just plain and simple storytelling with heart. The episodes range from about 8 to 20 minutes, and are often very moving. Here is the latest from storyteller Mike Daisey, in which he tells a personal story about a pregnancy with a long-distance lover when he was about 20 years old:

Mike Daisey: What Was Lost by The Moth on Mixcloud

Music Can't Cure Everything.

2010-07-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

But maybe chemicals can.

Newsflash: I've been suffering from depression since I was a small child. I've not actually known what it's like to live without it. I've always acknowledged my depression, but I've never gone into detail about how bad my episodes are, until recently that is.

My episodes, as evidenced by some of the posts on here, have gotten to be pretty unbearable of late. I spoke with my girlfriend and one of my closer male friends, who both are being treated for depression, and they've encouraged me to finally, after decades of avoidance, seek help.

Some of my fears about meds:
I'll become dependent.
I won't be able to afford it.
It'll fuck with my sex groove.
It will make me crazier.
It will make me super boring.

Portland seems to be well equipped for sad bastards like myself. I made a few phone calls, filled out some paperwork, and within a week I was getting financial assistance and in to see a doctor. It was my first doctor's visit in about five years. This guy was awesome, I was able to speak with him about my symptoms, the genetic history of mental illness in my family, and the environments that trigger depressive episodes. He put me on a generic version of celexa (citalopram), which I've started taking this past weekend. I'm pretty well scared of being on medication, but I've got a good support group of friends who are encouraging and always willing to give hugs.

I'm not meant to pay attention to the symptoms just now. Doc says it'll be about 4-5 weeks before any notable changes. I'm only taking half a pill each day this week, moving onto a full dose next week, and seeing the doctor the week after that. I'm still in need of talk therapy, and am making calls around town to find a cheap solution.

Trying to keep perspective, because I know that a pill won't make me feel all that much better. I spoke with another depressive friend tonight about it, and he summed it up pretty well, saying that so long as he's doing stuff (working, he's a librarian), and things at home are ok, than he's totally fine. I feel like I share his overall temperament, and I recall how happy I was when I was in the UK, particularly once I started working at the BBC in London and going back up to Glasgow for Bottle Rocket. The deep, scary shit came to the surface when I had to move back to the states and lost all of my purpose.

Now that I've got Bottle Rocket back and a lovely lady by my side, I'm feeling like things are finally getting back on track. Maybe I can be happy in the USA. But the trick is to keep it all together if those things fall apart. And the reality is that lovely girlfriends and indie/pop club nights don't last forever.

So here's to the future. The newly medicated Me, who will boldly cope with adversity by battling through instead of disappearing into my own head. Or at least that's the theory.

Bottle Rocket Portland is Totally Happening

2010-06-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

Just one week before Bottle Rocket celebrates its 2nd birthday at Nice N Sleazy (Glasgow, July 17th), I am proud to say that we've made the club night international.

I'm tasked with making Portlanders dance. THIS AIN'T EASY FOLKS. But the people at the lovely Beauty Bar are excited about becoming a monthly home for Bottle Rocket, and GOD DAMN we're gonna have a blast at this place and make it happen.

I only just got the green light last night, and I've got 10 days to promote this thing, so the challenges are apparent. C'MON LET'S DO IT.

Well I Say There Are Still Things Worth Fighting For

2010-06-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it comes to this point.

I don't know what exactly happened, but I was standing on the street and something that was totally not a big deal was said. It felt like a blow to the chest. It should not have, at all, nobody did anything wrong.

Oh, depression, you are a fickle bitch. Coming out of nowhere, for no good reason, and sucking hours of my life away with you. I found myself wandering the streets aimlessly, unable to focus on a plan or direction, listening to Joy Division, and taking far too long to get outside of this stupid place inside my head in order to see that I was having a little depressive episode. My emergency contacts were at the cinema watching Toy Story 3. I found myself wandering over the bridge, feeling rather sick, and eventually I was over by Lloyd Center and then I went back to Scotland, so to speak.

The Rose & Thistle Pub is not a cheap place to drink, so I really had no business being there, but I know why I'm so drawn to it. I ordered the cheapest pint on the menu, a pissy watered-down Old German. I sat there and looked at the decor on the walls - images of Glasgow Uni and Kelvingrove Park. They usually play good indie music there as well. It's a strangely comforting place for me to hide. I love it, but it makes me long for Glasgow. I look up and hope for Chris and Patrick to walk through the door, Patrick with his big sardonic grin and Chris with his trustworthy charm. I want to overhear Duncan's funny Largs accent in the background, and look over my shoulder to see Suzie stroking her hair, eyes smiling at some random talented person that she knows. I want to feel that nervous possibility of awkwardly bumping into one of my professors in the loo, and emerge from that gross little toilet into a sweaty room with my favourite singers in the world dancing alongside my best friends to French Disko.

That's where I went in my head. It's better than where I was 30 minutes prior, but I don't know that this is all that healthy sometimes.

I've been battling these episodes since I was a wee boy. It helps with writing - I mean, it's like my X-factor, I don't know what I'd even write about if not for the world fueled by the chemicals in my brain. I'm smart enough to recognize when it's happening, though sometimes it takes me a while to dig myself out of it. It's that period of uncertainty, when the fog gets so thick, that concerns me.

Pat & Travis finally showed up to knock me back into reality and get my head back into thinking about Other Issues. Mostly, I wanted to talk to them about girls. I have questions about things that have confused me since I was 14 or so. Of course, Travis immediately answered my biggest question - What does it mean when a girl tells me that I'm "too nice"? His answer - "It means they feel crowded". It didn't make a whole lot of sense at the time, but further discussion cleared it up for me; this is something I've heard all my life, and it's been terribly discouraging, but I need to make adjustments regardless. Other opinions given to me: Girls like Guys who they have to chase (ie., guys in bands, which has always driven me crazy, but it's true). Girls don't like easy love. Some girls get over this at some point - I've found this to be true with people over age 28 or so, but then there's the scare that they're cynical by that point. It's a very precise game, isn't it? I believe in love, and though I know that every relationship fails, there's still hope that one of them will not. There are couples who have been together for decades, and they've made it work one way or another. I'm going to continue to grow, there's going to be awesome times and sheer terror, and I want someone to love me through all of it. Most people have a family, but I really don't have that kind of traditional support system (whole other issue). I learn a lot from each relationship, and hopefully I'll get to the point where I'm enlightened enough to find the right partner and make it stick. But I need to see a doctor first.

The New Romance

2010-06-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

She wears a Pretty Girls Make Graves t-shirt to bed.

She quotes Los Campesinos! in her texts. WHAT?!

yup.

And likes all of my musics. I've never really dated girls who love the bands most precious to me.

I'm watching Undeclared for the first time. Oh, college.

I thought about how long it takes to get over a broke heart the other day. You know, some people say that it takes 1/2 the length of a relationship to fully get over it? I dunno, it's different in all cases, right? I think this is going to be a thing, like, not really an "issue" but like maybe, in my new adventure here. It's all new and fresh and like nothing before, which means new challenges as well as junior mints.

OK NOW.

I've got to come up with a NEW idea for a short film. Something that can be done ON THE CHEAPO, as there is no cash here.

I HAVE THIS IDEA THOUGH. I already wrote it out in an email to a friend. It's a thing...you know...magical thing that happened in my mind. Gotta bounce it off of of writing group soon to see if it's something that looks good outside of my own silly head. AM I GOING TO BLOG IT one of these days. Not yet. But I like that I'm thinking about it.

Arbitrary template change. Also, done with exams.

2010-06-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

Whatever. I had 20 minutes to kill before catching the bus back to town, and Blogger popped up with some new templates, so I wasted time doing that. I don't know if I like it, and I don't know how much I care at the moment. I'm going back home where I can't afford an internet connection, so we'll have to wait until tomorrow to have a proper shuffle about with it.

I just finished up all of my exams for the term. I think I passed everything. I learned about Human Development (genetics!), Early American History (Puritans!), and Geography of the Developing World (bad things!). I feel confident teaching Social Studies to anyone now. Not really, but so long as I pass Human Development, I'm finally able to enter a proper education programme and work toward getting my teaching qualification.

Other quick update - this Someone New is terrific. Doing wonders for me.

Just need to get a job straight away, and summer will be ON!

I'm writing to tell you that I'm excited about tomorrow night.

2010-06-03T18:52:00.001-07:00

FIRST AID KIT, remember them? Swedish, adorable, uber-talented, and they did that incredible Fleet Foxes cover a while back? Yeah, they're coming to Portland tomorrow night. Mississippi Studios, 9pm, $12.

OK I'll just post the video because it's been a while and it never gets old.

This Is Happening

2010-06-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

Holy crap YOU GUYS WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'm out of the looooooop. There's this crazy fucking oil problem in the Gulf and some shit with Israel being big jerks? JEEEZ. I remember when I was all on top of that shit, hell, I was the news reader/writer for two radio stations back in the day. I miss being informed.

Alas, I am in UBER-STUDENT MODE. Finals are due in a week. No time for much else, though I'm getting much better at time management. I just submitted my History final a week before the due date - the first time I've ever submitted a final paper that early. I'm about to bang on with Geography, but I felt I should take a minute to update the blog. My Human Development final is the biggie, as it's the one class I'm actually required to pass if I want to pursue a teaching career. After this term, I've got a much better chance of being accepted into a teaching certification programme.

I've been cat-sitting for one of my pals, and her cat, Otis, is awesome. He's playful, has a nubby tail, and makes super cute noises. Also, her flat is super learning-conducive. I'm sitting by an open window, surrounded by books, in a comfy chair, reading about histories and lands and ideas.

Some exciting developments - I've met Someone New. My new flat is nice, though spendy. I have acquired a bed from lovely people. I've made a couple of new friends in Sellwood via karaoke. I SAW LCD SOUNDSYSTEM AND IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING. My best friend might be moving from NYC to San Francisco this fall. My Australian friend might be in Portland for a visit this summer.

OK, back to studies!

Job hunting too!

Take The Bit Between Your Teeth.

2010-05-26T11:36:00.001-07:00

The percentage of unmarried male friends in my is getting split in half this year. Congrats Rick, James, and the newly engaged Duncan!

I'm closer to ready than I was last year. Being single is helping me sort it out.

My new flat shall be dubbed Fargo. I'm moving in today. First time in nearly 2 months that I'll be sleeping in a bed I could finally call my own (note: my bed consists of parts donated from 3 happily married couples I know).

I'm optimistic about Fargo. I've known Travis (new flatmate) for about seven months now, and he's just a fantastic fella. Being around him tends to keep me grounded.

This will be the summer of writing and DJing. YES. That's exciting, right??

Hello Portland.

2010-05-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

I really missed Portland. I guess that means it's special.

I've got a new place on Fargo. FARGO. Living with a filmmaker friend and his Spacecat. I'll start moving in tomorrow.

I'm finding myself miles behind on schoolwork. My trip didn't give me the time I needed to keep up with studies, so I've dropped a full letter grade in each class. Still passing, but I need to really knuckle down these next three weeks.

I need a bed.

And a job.

If you can help with either, that would be swell.

I'll write more about my trip soon. Gotta spend the day at the library and play catch up.

L-O-V-E love, it's coming back, it's coming back

2010-05-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I took this post down. Some things are best to keep to myself.

Also, it was looked at by someone in LA quite a few times, at an average of about 18 minutes a viewing. As someone who lives for stories, I'm starting to get a little bit neurotic about my own propensity to overshare with the general public (that is, until I get some monetary compensation). And writing it in outline form was particularly stupid.

I'm just being neurotic, but anyway, NEW RULE: No more outlines in public.

Just Don't Stop

2010-05-20T20:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a whirlwind this trip has been. An internet friend said that it sounded "rewarding yet challenging", and I think that really says it all.

I like being missed; everyone was so happy to see me. I've been greeted with great big, heartfelt hugs nearly every day of the week. I'm making emotional breakthroughs with friends I've known for nearly a decade. Three of the people I've seen this week are now parents. Life is amazing. I knew these people back in college, when we all wanted to rule the world. Nobody got to where they thought they wanted to, but they all seem genuinely happy to be alive. People are resilient. With all of the challenges they face, they still carry on, they still get up in the morning and find a way to accept their situation as one that they can embrace and love and grow on.

The adventures I've been on (overall) are pretty special. I guess I don't realize it because it's been so turbulent since leaving the UK, but, fuck, I've actually lived abroad, I've visited 13 other countries and seen the greatest sights in the Western World. Not everyone gets to do that. They've got kids, which is a totally different sort of adventure, one that doesn't ever end. But I get the same response every time - "Wow, you're so lucky. I never got the chance..."

I'm partly thrilled to be me, and I'm partly scared to death of it. I don't know what to do with myself. Living your dreams is fucking scary sometimes, because you're going into it without a frame of reference. I don't have any money or a job, but I'm not going to stop dreaming until I've "made it".

EVERY SINGLE PERSON I've seen thus far on this trip has asked me to move back to the east coast. The appeal is that I've got a deep support system out here; one that is bound by blood or a decade of friendship. It sure is nice to have people who will still love me while I'm at my weakest. And the thought of settling down grows more tempting with each sprouting gray hair.

BUT NO!
THERE ARE FILMS TO MAKE!
THERE ARE LANDS TO EXPLORE!
THERE ARE GREAT LOVES TO HAVE!
THERE ARE STORIES TO BE TOLD!!

I know. I know.

Onward to Brooklyn! And Manhattan! POP SHOWS AND DANCING! All-night discussions about LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING!

I think...

2010-05-16T21:46:00.001-07:00

I need to stay in Portland and make a film. A short one.

This is a good idea.

It will solve the whole "I've never actually worked on a film" problem.

This is the only way I'll learn. And it's cheaper than another year at university.

I'm tired of second-guessing myself.

I can worry about fleeing the country later.

I'm not freaking out. OK maybe just a little bit.

2010-05-14T19:12:00.000-07:00

I'm trying not to freak out at the moment. London Film School deadline is June 1st, and I've got everything I need for that huge application aside from ONE bloody academic referral. I've contacted a few people, but so far nobody has replied.

One of the hazards of moving around as much as I do is that it's difficult to really cement a relationship to the point of being comfortable enough to ask a favour. I've rarely been close with my professors, and after I graduate I usually leave town. I was facebook friends with my advisor from Purchase, but he eventually un-friended me. I must have said something dumb. On facebook of all places. Lesson there was never to friend your professors on fb.

SO, after rushing at writing retreat to meet deadlines (I made the Sundance deadline, at least), I'm facing the prospect of not even applying to a UK screenwriting programme this year. Which means I'll have to stay in Portland and continue to battle my way through script writing whilst being distracted by financial woes and full-time liberal arts study. Which means I'll get very little actual writing done.

Is this a blessing in disguise? Do I belong in the USA? Sure doesn't feel like it. I love Portland, but I don't see it going very far. And the thought of moving to LA (Plan B) to break into Hollywood just makes me feel ill, because I loathe that level of competition. I'd rather write my masterpiece in a structured programme outside of Hollywood. Plus, the stuff I write isn't even Hollywood material, it's European arthouse fare, and would likely have a better shot at being made abroad, wouldn't it? I dunno. Andy made his film in America, and it's sort of in the same vein. Maybe I can do it. Maybe. I guess at the end of the day the most important thing is the art. I don't know if I've got the chops to develop something in writing group; I sometimes wonder that I'm too timid and would feel more comfortable standing on the foundation of a proper screenwriting education. But what is that really? I mean, nobody else in WG has an MA in screenwriting, and they're all awesome.

Plan C is Melbourne. Thing is, I only know one person there, and we're not particularly close (though she is quite amazing). And it would be for a teaching programme, which means it's probably not even an option until I take another year of classes to boost up my content knowledge. Melbourne would be new adventures, a new world, another indie dreamscape (The Lucksmiths!), another place for Bottle Rocket to live, and a relatively vibrant economy. I just feel like it would be throwing in the towel on filmmaking, or at least set me back quite a few more years.

Bloody hell, I'm conflicted.

BABIES and PUPPIES.

2010-05-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

Been on the east coast for not quite a week, and I'm fairly burnt out. Of course I'm saying that after spending about 18 of the past 30 hours driving up and down the coast.

OK GUYS SO NOW I AM SOMEONE'S UNCLE. That's right. My sister had a baby 5 weeks ago. They call her Emily. I met her. She's nice. I think we're gonna be friends. I'm quite excited, because I'm obviously the "cool uncle". She'll come to me during her rebellious teen phase and I can introduce her to The Clash and Joy Division and talk to her about the time I spent in Europe and going to Obama's inauguration and all that stuff that teenagers idealize. Yeah, cool uncle Joseph. That's me.

I spent my only Myrtle Beach night at a resort hotel which gave me an ocean view room for $50. So I spent last night listening to The Lucksmiths, drinking wheat beer, and walking along the Atlantic. It was one of those "my life is pretty ok" moments. The ocean water was warm. I probably drank a little bit much because I ended up spending 3 hours on OKC, which is not exactly time well spent when I've got days worth of homework piling up.

And here's a puppy.

The Adults In The Room

2010-05-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hey friends, here's something awesome that urgently needs your help. My Portland friend/writing grouper Andy made a movie called "The Adults in the Room". It's an autobiographical hybrid-documentary about a relationship he had with an older man when he was a teenager. The content and narrative style are progressive, authentic, and uncompromised. ...

This important film needs just $1500 to get finished (film stock transfer, sound mixing, color correction). There's just 4 days left in the kickstarter campaign, and they're SO CLOSE. If they don't make the goal, all of the cash is lost. Please help out if you can - click the link below and check out the trailer and learn how you can donate; even a few bucks/quid/euro would help get this project across the finish line. LET'S DO MAGIC!!

here's the link to donate and make this happen: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/goodyerin/the-adults-in-the-room-documentary

DO IT TODAY!!! THEY ONLY HAVE UNTIL MAY 15th 3am EDT - that's midnight Pacific, or 8am in the UK!!

Going Coastal/please let the good guys win/show me how you feel

2010-05-06T12:04:00.001-07:00

Portland pals have been superstars, but now I've got to say goodbye to this dear city for an east-coast interlude. I'll be flying out tonight, landing in DC tomorrow, enjoying a Mother's Day BBQ in Maryland on Sunday, and heading to Myrtle Beach on Monday to visit my sister and finally meet my brother-in-law and niece. After that, I'll be in NJ with bio-dad and his lovely lady. That's always a loaded situation, but I've been working through so many issues this past year that I'm in a much more comfortable place to talk things out. After that, I'm up to Stony Creek for 5 days with mom and Rebecca, probably eating lots of food, though I hope that the isolation in the mountains is conducive to homework getting done. For the home stretch, I party in NYC with Brooklyn and Manhattan pals. Then back to Portland.

BUT AAAAHHHHHHHH UK ELECTIONS ARE NOWZERS!

After Big G (nickname for Gordon Brown for those who don't know) effectively kicked me out of the UK with his wholly fucked "points based system" immigration policy, I've been pissed at Labour. The Tories are a bunch of heartless cunts, and I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE that THIS GENERATION would vote in a Tory government. Thanks to telly, Nick Clegg and the Lib Dems all of a sudden look sexy, AND they've got the smartest immigration policy of the three, which shifts the focus toward criminals and away from regular hard-working, tax-paying immigrants who want to live and raise families in the UK (LIKE ME RIGHT).

BUT YOU COULD NEVER KISS A TORY BOY WITHOUT WANTING TO CUT OFF YOUR TONGUE AGAIN - Gareth Campesinos

And so when Gareth let out that line last night, just as the polls were opening back in his UK home - the hardest night ever to belt it out - I felt it in my gut. I had a shock of emotion rise up through me. I love that band. They may be sloppy and overly emotional and not very good "singers", but they've got heart and sincerity that puts them in their own league.

I had a tremendous time at the gig. I also learned a little bit about subtext on the dancefloor, something that I've always been pretty awful at. Creating subtext is my biggest weakness with writing, and like pretty much all of my writing, I've got to teach myself to live a certain way in order to better write it. It's not the most convenient style, but that's how I work, at least at the moment. Hopefully I'll get into an MA screenwriting programme and learn to reel myself in and develop proper screenwriting skills. I feel like my current style is starting to wear thin/annoy WG, and I might take a bit of a hiatus until I can get it together. Anyway, so my writing problem relates to my life problem: I just say how I feel. This has always gotten me into trouble. The challenge is to convey feeling without actually stating it, or as the old adage goes "show, don't tell". I guess I'm ok at it when it comes to singing and dancing; maybe I'll just write a musical.

Male Bonding

2010-05-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

Breakthrough! American guys can be real nice, even the straight ones!

Pat and Travis have kept me off the street for the past few days. Somehow we've been going out and having conversations and generally, we're becoming quite chummy. There's been a few nights of karaoke, one of them being particularly memorable which I'm too bashful to write about but Travis already covered it on his blog.

I've been meeting smiling, sympathetic faces and feel like I'm assimilating into a comfortable community of creatives.

My friend James isn't having such a good time though. He's going through a breakup in a lame city with no support system. I wish I were there to give him comfort and encouragement. I understand what it's like, I've been there before and have somehow lived through it. He's going to a gig tonight, which ought to cheer him up and give him some catharsis.

Gigs all over the world tonight. Pavement in Glasgow, and Duncan's up front, according to facebook. I'm heading out to Los Campesinos!, and it's going to be super fun. Pat's coming along even though he's not familiar with the band. Hopefully he'll fall in love. I've been showing him some musics lately and he's been into it.

I can't stop listening to the new Crystal Castles. It's SO FUCKING GOOD, pretty much the closest sound to what I would want my band to sound like. If I had a band. Which I don't.

Someone was recording video of me doing "Drug Against War" at Baby Ketten last night. I'm a little freaked out about it, but at least I've given up on running for public office so I guess I don't really care if an embarrassing video of me doing karaoke surfaces on youtube.

Anyway, "beardy friends club" seems to have happened IN PORTLAND of all places.

It's been nice having fun.

Heading to the east coast tomorrow night. Be back by the end of May, with LCD Soundsystem, moving, and finals on the agenda.

The sea is a good place to think of the future

2010-04-26T00:29:00.000-07:00

My ex moved out over the weekend, taking not only the bed but the sofa as well. The only furniture I've got left is a writing desk, chair, and bookshelf. Enough to get work done, and not enough to rest.

Which brings me to this past weekend. I hit the coast with six other Portland-based writers, mostly the regulars from writing group. We stayed in yurts, which I had never really seen before, but they're a good idea. The ocean was just steps away. I had never really been so close to the ocean for such an extended period of time. I fell in love with the experience, one that is unabashedly romantic. There's the ferocious ocean, the miracle of our planet, and it's there in it's foreverness. And there's the moon, and the planets, and then there's my friends and myself, and our thoughts, movements, flirtations, and frustrations.

I didn't know what to expect. I set out some goals, and I reached most of them. I wrote and polished three pitches. I wrote and edited my life story, which I miraculously squeezed into 996 words (of a 1,000 word limit). I pulled out the original outline for Bastards (my first written feature outline, from London 2008) and re-wrote much of it, which was gravy since it wasn't on my agenda. Most people seemed to have a good time. I felt it was a good mix of work/leisure, at least for me, because my writing process involves a lot of not very obvious "work", such as having personal conversations and a lot of wandering aimlessly.

There was a bit of socializing, much more than I'm accustomed to, so I ended up drinking too much and not sleeping well all, and now I feel like death on fire. Ugh, I stank so heavily of campfire, and between getting home and making it to the Camera Obscura there was no time to shower.

As I was walking to the gig, I thought to myself that this is the kind of event that attracts the sort of people I fall in love with, and how I was in no fit state to be there, what with stinking like a bloody fire and feeling like a zombie. And OF COURSE I see Tracyanne and Carey walking right toward me from across the street, and I sort of half wave, then remember that I've never actually met them. We've got a bunch of mutual friends and we've awkwardly bumped into each other at the Woodside Social Club before, but Tracyanne would usually catch me oogling her and shoot me a disappointing silent retort. So when I wave at them as they cross the street in downtown Portland, they have no idea what's going on, but the stop for a second, look confused, and I say something along the lines of "eh, too bad about the last Optimo being tonight". Carey nods and sympathizes "aye, it's sad" and Tracyanne gives me that angry look that I was all too used to getting from her on Glasgow dancefloors. I bid them farewell and move along.

The gig was fantastic, the last of their tour. Once again, I stood just below Gav and failed to say hello. But the crowd was full of lovely looking people, and I exchanged smiles across the room a few times. After tripping over myself in front of the Obscura girls, I didn't dare try to speak again. I danced a bit, enjoyed every second of the gig, and walked the few miles home.

I'm ready to collapse on the floor (which is convenient, as that's where I'm sleeping). I hope I'm ok in the morning, I really do feel very unhealthy. I've got a ton of homework to do this week, plus I'd like to have 5 pages with dialogue for writing group on Tuesday night and have the Sundance application out by the deadline at the end of the week.

Writing Retreat

2010-04-23T12:25:00.001-07:00

I'm off to a yurt on the Oregon coast for my first ever writing retreat. Joining me are 6 other screenwriters.

Goals are to complete the following. I've bolded the top priority stuff, since I've got quite a bit of the others already sorted.

Sundance Institute application, which you can find here if you're interested. It covers stuff from the other two apps, but they also need the first 5 pages of a feature.

London Film School application:
- 2 page synopsis for an original feature film plus an opening sequence with dialogue.
- Three half page pitches for original features.
- A description of your life up to the point of applying for the course (max 1000 words!).

Scottish Screen Academy application:

-An outline for a feature film or single television drama (maximum one page)

-A writing sample – this may be a short film script or an excerpt from a feature film script or television drama, or a piece of creative writing; for example, a play, short story or extract from a novel (maximum 10 pages).

Boy do I hate being "unskilled"!

2010-04-22T13:54:00.001-07:00

This was originally a facebook post, but I decided to cut it and put it here instead. The current policy has had a direct effect on my life. It's a debate that I'm obviously passionate about.

Did I hear Gordon Brown correctly?! Did he just say "If you're not skilled, we don't want you in our country" ?!?!?!?!?! Fucking hell Gordon, I thought you understood the plight of the working class. If you had migrated to Britain when you were a student, you'd have likely been kicked out under this policy.

The "points based system" that Brown loves so much is heavily predicated on wealth. His definition of "skllled" migrants is mostly restricted to the jobs of upper-class, such as doctors and engineers. You can get a master's degree from an Ivy-League British university and still be considered "unskilled". But oh wait! If you've simply got a ton of cash in your bank account, you've also got enough "points" to qualify as "skilled". The policy is classist bollocks and will only lead to more "unskilled" immigrants finding ways to stay illegally or through really awkward green-card marriages.

I understand that immigration is a hot-button issue in the UK, but you really shouldn't discourage good hard-working, intelligent people from wanting to live in your country simply because they haven't got a lot of money. It's heartbreaking.

On that note, I'll be trying to get back into the UK through another student visa, since it's either that or marriage for me at this point.

That's How It Starts

2010-04-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

I sometimes laugh at myself for these ideas I get.

Four years ago today. I had just met my real father. I was booking a flight to the UK to visit 4 universities that had accepted me for master's programmes. After nearly six years, my relationship with Amanda was entering a very strange end phase. What was she thinking when I suddenly decided I was going to quit my good job and move abroad to study film? She never really told me. She stayed strong and wished me well. There was little emotion on her part. Did I know what I was doing?? Not really.

Four years on, and I still don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I wonder if anyone really does.

My life is a mess, but that's nothing new. My living situation is insane. I'm counseling my ex about her love life, and we're still living together after only a few weeks of romantic detachment. It's hurting me. I feel like that bit of Synecdoche with the burning house. God damn that movie is brilliant. Fuck. I should have watched that today instead of trying to follow a 7-hour long Mets game and watching LCD Soundsystem videos all day.

So what happened was that nearly every person that I love and miss contacted me today. Just as I'm about to start writing pages of The Cascade, everyone from Act 1 showed up today. Laura posted an Alain De Botton article about a "world without planes" on my facebook. I could just kiss her, she's such a darling lady, I'm sad that she's moving to Toronto. So then Lucy emailed me, she talked about Chris and the B&S ATP this December. I welled up with tears at the sentiment; the thought of seeing them together makes me want to try harder and harder at life. I also heard from Sarah, who booked my ATP spot. This was awesome, because she's never actually messaged me before. I've always been so intrigued by Sarah, and I think we're going to get on well. I think she's going to bring out my beaming side. Duncan phoned me as well. I LOVE DUNCAN. For a while, I guess when we were doing our radio show at Subcity, we developed a nice friendship. It probably wasn't a big deal to him, but I've always been awful at making friends with other guys, and Duncan unintentionally helped me get past that challenge.

They're in Portland tonight, staying not too far from me. They're my favourite couple in the world, and I can feel it when they're near, I can feel their radiance in my soul.

I found out that Emma is with Mitch now. That's incredible for both of them. All the girls that broke my heart in one way or another are with fantastic guys. I'm certain that those couples, the ones that I've mentioned thus far, those couples are perfect. So what am I doing? I've attracted the wrong people for so long, it's getting to be a joke. Even on OK Cupid, the people who think I'm hot or whatever are totally not my type. A year ago I would have taken the chance on those dates, but no more of that.

A close British guy pal of mine one night got on my case about the girl I was dating, I think warning me against getting too serious. He was single and just playing the field, not committing himself to anyone in particular, a style I've never been comfortable with. I didn't realize what he was doing, but I think he was just looking out for me; trying to steer me away from girls that we both know I didn't feel too deeply about. He was totally right, and I should have known better at the time. That relationship ended abysmally and is one of my biggest regrets. That same guy was right about the last girl I dated in London - when I first told him about her, he said "ABORT, ABORT!" and I was like..."but she likes me, surely that means she's awesome!"

It all comes back to confidence. For a hundred reasons that may or may not be cured through therapy, I've lacked proper confidence for so long, but never before have I been able to admit these deepest flaws. Being with Amber was like psychotherapy most of the time, so I do owe her a debt of gratitude for helping me get to those places that were so dark and elusive for so long.

I know this is heart-on-sleeve stuff, but fuck, I'm writing a screenplay that reaches even further into my hurting heart. I'm done dancing around issues and self-censoring. The best filmmakers are the ones who put their heart and soul into their work. Even when I start getting ideas for my $300million 3-D religious war epic, I well up with emotion. Movies without heart completely baffle me.

I took a walk down Burnside and just listened to "All My Friends" on repeat for a good hour. It got me into this weird place where I had to write all of this nonsense. It took me an hour to compose this post, and I don't remember taking a single breath since I punched in the first word.

Jx

If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop

2010-04-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

The situation at home is grim. I'm trying to be respectful and not share it with the world, but it is hurting me. Here's a letter I wrote to myself.

Dear future Joseph,

I know she seems great, and I'm sure she is. YOU know that she is special, and I'm not denying that. But please remember what's happened before. You get so wrapped up in things, you try to live life like a movie and get everything solved in two hours. Life doesn't work like that, you silly bastard. If Jesse and Celine stayed together at the end of Before Sunrise, you know what would have happened? Well, 2 Days in Paris would have happened. They would have had great fun for a while, but they would quickly run out of fuel and break apart. That's why Before Sunset was so perfect - their bitterness was caused not by each other, but by their respective experiences over time, so by the time they found each other, they were smart and in control of their emotions. They knew the game. They could minimize the risk.

Be smart. You've got a master's from Glasgow for fuck's sake, come on now. Learn to say no once in a while. Be sure of yourself. Set some boundaries for dating. For starters, stick to girls who are properly educated. Girls that you're truly and wholly attracted to. Girls who like art film and Belle & Sebastian. She's out there, fuck...you actually know this girl, you've known her for years. Remember Glasgow and London? You fell in love with every other girl you met, but never made a move. And when you did, it was too little too late. I'll bet you regret that, eh? It's OK, you're a late bloomer, always have been. This I know - you've got something great. Stop being so afraid to use it, and don't be afraid to fail. If somebody doesn't see it, someone else will.

But for now, do your homework. Read more books. Go to shows. Start DJing again. Stop eating like a child. Keep up with the gym. Sing songs. Write your screenplay. Make more friends. Visit your family. Give yourself a rest sometime.

Learn to love yourself, you schmuck.

Jx

Good Intentions Paving Company

2010-03-25T17:51:00.001-07:00

One of the good things about the future that we live in is that when I'm blue, my friends have left me things to enjoy without even knowing it. I put on the latest Bottle Rocket Radio show (features new Joanna Newsom, old Frank Zappa, LCD Soundsystem, Broken Bells and more - it's good) and read Travis's latest blog entry about switching to a new script project.

I used to be one of those people. I was productive. I made radio shows and managed bands and wrote blogs and reviewed films and music. I traveled to incredible places and took photographs of things that moved me. I absorbed the world around me and put it back into my art.

Oddly enough, I've not done that much since moving to this creative Mecca of Portland.

The fallout to this relationship is particularly difficult because of the circumstances. Lesson learned is to avoid falling in love so hard and so fast, or at least to keep it under control and learn to keep some space for my other passions. Also, I should have learned by now that moving in with my girlfriend so soon is a sure way to destroy a relationship and make the end even more painful. She is my best friend and knows just about everything deeply personal about me, and when she gets angry at me it is the most terrifying feeling I've had in some time. We've got to figure out a way to co-exist peacefully as roommates for the next month. I've got to decide what to do with myself. I'm starting up classes at a local community college, which is a safe way to sort of stay put and focus on the goals of completing assignments.

In the meantime, I'm going to finish reading the last Harry Potter book (which I recently found in a free box a few doors down), get myself to the gym (I'm 15 lbs lighter since moving to Portland), and watch some Noah Baumbach movies before going to see Greenberg this weekend.

Listening to Sebadoh - Soul and Fire...

2010-03-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Which only can mean one thing. Relationship over.

There's a statistic out there that says 90% of all relationships (including marriage) involving bipolar people ultimately fail, usually within the first few months. For us, the first month and last couple of months were the hardest. All told, out of nearly 11 months, about 8 of them were pretty magical, and it's going to be difficult to find that sort of connection again. We tried just about everything - counseling, re-organizing the apartment, giving each other more space - but the illness was far too overwhelming for either of us to deal with. I've never been pushed so hard by a partner before, and I reached my breaking point.

I am utterly exhausted. I start classes on Monday, and I've got to find a new place to live. I've got no money and I've been out of work for 6 weeks with no prospects. I'm doubting that I'll be in Portland for much longer than the remainder of this year.

A warm up.

2010-02-15T17:28:00.000-08:00

Hey, I lost my job today! That's not a surprise. I was working for a health insurance company that didn't offer me health insurance. I was a call center associate, and the rest of my office consisted of middle-aged women who all shared one common goal - to one day marry George Clooney. I know this to be true, because each and every day that's what the chat consisted of. "OOH, who's George with this week?"..."Well it doesn't matter 'cuz one day I'm going to win the lottery and marry George".

Instead of shooting me, they "discontinued my contract", which was just fine. Sure, now I'm without a job once again and I don't know how I'm going to pay those bills, but at least I won't want to stab myself every day.

Amber's gone off to Oakland for the week, which I thought would yield a great deal of writing on my end. This has not been the case. What has happened is that I have watched about 6 movies and 3 tv episodes in the past few days. I've done a good amount of nothing, which Is a pretty rare feat for me. My stream of relaxation was interrupted by the job termination call this morning, which has led to job hunting and looking at other life options.

But that's just more noise. I don't need it. What I need is to get those index cards out and focus.

So here we are.

I'm working on a beat sheet for a feature-length screenplay about an expat who gets sent back to America and is forced to face his past. Within that is a love story. Ultimately, this is a Green Card type of romance film, though that movie Green Card kinda sucked real hard, and I'm aiming to write a better film.

It's semi-autobiographical. I'm tentatively calling it The Cascade. I'm aiming to have an outline for writing group either tomorrow night or two weeks from now.

Thanks blog. I'm ready to write now.

GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLS

2010-01-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

One year ago, I was with a girl in Amsterdam...a strange and confusing time had by all, I imagine. A few days after that, I was with a girl in London, she had a serious offer of marriage in front of me but, for many reasons, I politely declined and took a chance on America. I was seriously unprepared for the journey I was about to embark on.

I spent the first half of 2009 in a daze...I can't even believe some of the things I did during that time (nothing really bonkers, but quite out of character for me). Amber came along and brought me into a safe place, which is funny because I think I did the same for her. At some point over the summer, I think during the time I was working at the food bank, I regained some clarity.

2006-2008 were my greatest years ever, making 2009 extra tramatizing.

I've not had a boring year since high school. 2002-2003 were the toughest, but by 2004 I landed that Tribune job and...well I didn't intend for this post to be a decade in review...

2010, that's it. I think it'll be a focused year; trying to regain the balance that was totally lost in 2009.

Goals for 2010:
-Become more active in writing group.
-Finish the first draft of my first feature, and listen carefully as wg disassembles it.
-donate/sell my old clothes and buy some new/used clothes.
-visit the east coast this spring/summer to visit family. This is the year I finally become an uncle!
-spend less money eating out. This isn't really an option.
-Have a few movie/game nights at our flat.
-finally bring the Bottle Rocket Dancing Club to Portland. I know, I know, I said this a lot last year, but it's taken me a while to make friends and figure some things out. I've already got some promo artwork
-Get registered as a substitute teacher. Sounds random, but I still fancy myself an educator in some way, and this seems to be a bona-fide way to gain classroom experience and will boost my application for 2011 if I don't get accepted to a teaching program this year.
-visit Seattle and Vancouver, BC.
-stay soda-free

The obvious stuff - work out more (I've joined the gym!), be a better boyfriend, eat less, yadda yadda. Also need to be less shy. It's a bad habit that I sunk into again this year.

I think the biggest challenge will be finding time to write...isn't it always...

last post of 2009

2009-12-31T16:55:00.000-08:00

I've got something like 30 minutes to write about 2009, so I've decided to glean this survey thing from Travis.

1. Where did you begin 2009?
At the Canterbury Arms, in Brixton, London, for the How Does It Feel To Be Loved? NYE party, where each track from Belle & Sebastian's "Tigermilk" would be played over the course of the night. My friend Ian was DJing, Alex was on the door, and my date for the night was Lacey, who had flown in from NYC and was all sorts of jet-lagged. We were on a strict "just friends" basis, so there was no romantic kiss at midnight (we'll talk about my silent heartbreak some other time). Actually, midnight was a funny story, as some girl had just passed out on the floor in front of Ian and the music stopped. We all missed the moment. First song after midnight was "Great Balls of Fire", which seemed strangely prophetic.

2. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Attend a Presidential Inauguration. Sing karaoke. Cross a continent coast-to-coast. And some other things.

3. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't have any. Just getting through it alive would have been a success.

4. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Attended an advising session at PSU.

5. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Jed became a father.

6. Any new additions to your family?
My sister spontaneously got married, but I've yet to meet Chad.

7. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandfather, though I never got to meet him.

8. Did you know anybody who got married?
Connie & Jamie in Scotland. Steven & AJ in Portland. Hannah and some dude whose name I can't remember...they got married in shop that makes rude doughnuts.

9. What countries did you visit?
England, Holland, USA. Well I only really "visited" Holland.

10. How did you earn your money?
Temping at a bunch of random places. The food bank job was pretty rad.

11. Where did most of your money go?
Debt, rent, food, nothing exciting.

12. Did you have any encounters with the police?
Aye, a speeding ticket in the middle of the desert just before the Texas border in Oaklahoma. It was a sunny, dry day and I was listening to Morrissey.

13. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Time to write. A stable job.

14. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 10th, the day I had to leave the UK or risk being "forcefully removed".

15. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it to Portland on my own, with barely any money and no friends.

16. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to realize what I'm meant to be doing with my life.

17. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I've had a toothache pretty much all year.

18. Where did you go on holidays/vacation?
Amsterdam, the Bay Area, Monterey.

19. What was the best thing you bought?
The iPhone...there's been little else.

20. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Amber, for growing so much over the past 8 months. Pretty much everyone in writing group blows me away on a regular basis.

21. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Amber, but that's the way love goes.

22. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I'm super excited about my writing ideas. Singing Pixies and Joy Division songs at Baby Ketten. Seeing my mom so happy in Monterey. My first kiss with Amber.

23. Did you move anywhere?
I don't have time for this question.

24. Where do you live now?
Portland, Oregon.

25. What song will always remind you of 2009?
They'll Need A Crane, by They Might Be Giants.

Accept the Mystery - top 2009 movies

2009-12-31T13:53:00.000-08:00

1.A Serious Man
2.Up In The Air
3.(500) Days of Summer
4.Where the Wild Things Are
5.Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
6.Fish Tank
7.Inglorious Basterds
8.The Fantastic Mr. Fox
9.Up
10.Adventureland

Like with music, my film intake in 2009 was at it's lowest level in many years. Luckily, I can't remember going to a single bad film this year, which is probably the only upside from not having been to any critic screenings.

Wes Anderson, Spike Jonze, Quentin Tarantino, and the Cohens - bona fide indie icons of their generation - all took monumental risks and completely knocked it out of the park. Werner Herzog finally found a comparable actor to the late Klaus Kinski in Nic Cage, who delivered the most memorable male performance of the year as a New Orleans cop gone completely off the rails. It must be seen to be believed.

Another notorious director, Lars Von Trier, had the other great stroke of casting with Charlotte Gainsbourg, whose performance in Antichrist reached unexpected levels of brutality. Antichrist was one of the stories of the year, and what a brilliant film it was for about an hour, until it turned into some arthouse Saw 12 or the like. Von Trier just can't get out of his own way, but I get the feeling that's just how he likes it.

(500) Days of Summer paid homage to Woody Allen and was the best date film of the year for the sort of us wandering souls who listen to the Smiths and daydream about Zooy Deschanel. Woody himself, well, that's another story. Fans of Woody (and NYC Jews) were thrilled at the seemingly perfect casting of Larry David in Whatever Works, but we got the same recycled Woody scenario that simply doesn't work any longer. It was the most disappointing movie of the year, and one hopes that Woody will return to Europe and dig deep into the twilight room of the soul, as his hero Ingmar Bergman used to.

From Britain came Fish Tank and An Education, two nearly identical coming-of-age stories about strong teenage girls being seduced by irresponsibly handsome 30-somethings. For an interesting perspective on the class divide in Britain, watch these two films back to back. Andrea Arnold's latest hasn't yet crossed the Atlantic, but her films need to be seen by American audiences who think of Britain as an island of frilly bourgeois poofs.

As for my top 2 films, A Serious Man and Up In The Air, either could have been #1. I'm not the first person to say that, I know, and there's a reason. Both films are about mortal men facing a crisis of identity and purpose; and this is a theme that critics (mostly men between 30-45) can relate to deeply. We can relate to Larry Gopnick's whiny mantra of "but I didn't do anything wrong" whilst we all deal with the prospect of losing our jobs and livelihoods for no good reason. And it goes deeper, obviously. The Cohens are established masters of cinema, when one looks at their contribution to the art it's hard to believe just how humble they are as men. After conquering genre after genre, they finally made a personal film, which I tentatively hailed as their best work.

Jason Reitman is a hard man to love and a hard man to hate. The son of Hollywood royalty, Reitman presumably strolled into the director's chair whilst many of us tear holes in our soul year after year to make another step on a long, hard road. But I can't begrudge him, as he's made 3 terrific films. Reitman isn't a passionate filmmaker, but he is a fascinatingly intuitive artist, and a modest character at that. Up In The Air was meant to be made about 6 years ago, before the current economic calamity that we're currently in. The Movie Gods have granted Reitman a perfectly-timed release; the sort of thing that is usually exclusive to documentaries. If this wins Best Picture, I wonder if it would have done so in 2003.

Best male performances of the year:
Nicolas Cage - Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Christoph Waltz - Inglorious Basterds
Michael Sthulbarg - A Serious Man
Joseph-Gordon Levitt - (500) Days of Summer
George Clooney - Up In The Air

Best female performances of the year:
Carey Mulligan - An Education
Charlotte Gainsbourg - Antichrist
Vera Farmiga - Up In The Air
Katie Jarvis - Fish Tank
Anna Kendrick - Up In The Air

final thoughts

-District 9 was overrated but still quite good.
-The trailer for Precious was too over the top.
-Just because I'm a "guy" doesn't mean I liked The Hangover, so stop assuming I "get it". I don't.
-It's hard to figure out just how good The Hurt Locker is. It's the best of the Iraq war movies, sure, but what does that say when many of them are rubbish?

and ok, James Cameron, you win.

*not seen: In The Loop, The Road, A Single Man, Precious, Nine, Julie & Julia, The Informant!, Crazy Heart, Brothers, Invictus, Young Victoria, Funny People, The White Ribbon. Also went the entire year without attending any notable film fests or critic screenings. It was a rough return to being a pedestrian film buff, but living in Portland affords one a substantial portion of arthouse fare.

This is the post about 2009 music things

2009-12-30T23:46:00.001-08:00

1. Dananananaykroyd - Hey Everyone
2. Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career
3. Yo La Tengo - Popular Songs
4. Neko Case – Middle Cyclone
5. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart s/t
6. Flaming Lips - Embryonic
7. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavillion
8. Fuck Buttons - Tarot Sport
9. Mountain Goats - The Life of the World To Come
10. Fanfarlo - Reservior

I'm getting old. After getting (not technically) deported and all of that jazz, gray hair became noticeable around my temples. I started to seriously contemplate "settling down". I've talked about becoming a teacher and getting married and being a pet owner. It sounds boring but for a while it sounded really great. I stopped listening to every BNM band on Pitchfork - I didn't know about half the bands on their year-end 100. I listened to more Beatles this year than I ever have in my life. That's not so bad.

My list this year is predictable, but that's ok. My top 2 albums were Glaswegian bands that I'm familiar with, and those albums, for one reason or another, comforted me more than anything else during times of extreme confusion and heartsickness. Like last year's #1, Los Campesinos, Dananananaykroyd's debut album may not be a masterpiece, but I feel it is the best snapshot for musical hope in 2009, a relentless display of energy and positivity in the face of yet another pretty grim year. I'm flummoxed by their lack of exposure in America, but I'll keep on raving about them until somebody gets them a US distribution deal and tour.

I'm pretty sure the Animal Collective album is the "best" album of the year, in that it's a critical darling and it'll be influential and stand the test of time. I do appreciate them, quite a lot actually, but their music hasn't quite reached my heart in the way that others have. The Mountain Goats album is so so good, maybe too good, in the way that some movies are just so intense that you love them but can't bear to re-watch them. It's the same way with the Flaming Lips album, one that knocked me on my ass. They might be the last great "album makers" out there.

Yo La Tengo...oh my...how gorgeous is that album. Their best in ages. So gutted to have missed them in Portland this year. One band that I've never had a problem seeing is Pains of Being Pure At Heart, and their full-length debut was a pleasant surprise, as most American bands that are as nice as them don't usually make such awesome albums.

The Neko Case album kept me company during my journey across America. I don't think I've listened to it since March, but I could still play it through in my head. It's funny how that happens with music you listen to when you're most depressed; I suppose it has to do with being so open that the music easily penetrates.

Fanfarlo are a recent discovery, I picked up on them after seeing some rave tweets from a girl I kinda know in London. Amber thought it was Beirut, and I've thought of them as somewhere between Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Arcade Fire. Not the most original sound these days, but it's the sort of thing that I might just fall in love with.

Songs of the year:
1. Dirty Projectors – Stillness is the Move
2. Grizzly Bear – Two Weeks
3. Animal Collective – Brothersport
4. Neko Case – This Tornado Loves You
5. Phoenix – 1901
6. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Heads Will Roll
7. Animal Collective – My Girls
8. Camera Obscura – French Navy
9. God Help The Girl – Musicians Please Take Heed
10. The Pains of Being Pure At Heart – Young Adult Friction

I've listened to Bitte Orca a bunch of times now, and I think I'm just a little impatient with it. Stillness is the Move is just a monster of a song, one of my faves of the past decade (shit, where is that list?!), but I can't find anything else on that album that stands as tall as that one tune. Their music is just a little too crafty for my taste these days. It's great stuff though. I feel almost the exact same way about Grizzly Bear. Sure, you're all handsome and have incredible voices, but you only let me into your soul for a few minutes before going back to the glossy surface. At least those few minutes are absolutely divine.

God Help The Girl was one of my most anticipated albums of the year, and on the whole I was as satisfied as I could be. I've accepted that Stuart is moving on to this new phase and making this movie, but...well I just miss him is all. Having your friends sing your songs makes me miss you. These girls have great voices, granted, but Stu's soft, modest voice is the one that has spoken to me on such an intimate level for much of my adult life, so sending an interpreter is kind of awkward. I want you back.

I just realized I didn't write anything about Fever Ray or Antony and the Johnsons. Both put out terrific, dark, textured albums this year, and if you haven't already, you should spend some time with them. And The XX aren't as overrated as I first thought; that album's a grower. Oh, and Butcher Boy put out a fantastic album...I bought it in 2008 so I don't count it as 2009 but I don't think anyone in the USA really knows about them. They're brilliantly literate Scottish chamber-pop...really much more than that, but I'm running out of adjectives.

I'm a little scared that I can't think of much that I'm looking forward to in 2010. LCD Soundsystem, aye, that's the one. New Arcade Fire for sure. Corin Tucker's solo album should be soon, right?

I AM A LITTLE OUT OF TOUCH with music. I didn't think this could happen in Portland. Help?

Long Way Around the Sea (rambling nonsense whlist listening to Low)

2009-12-05T23:21:00.000-08:00

I have some friends who are at ATP in England right now. It makes me slightly more lonely than usual.

It's very cold here in Portland - 20 degrees or so. That's -7 for my UK pals. It never got that cold in Britain, though there were some pretty rough winter days in Glasgow from what I recall, and the whole never-ending rain and getting dark at 3pm thing was pretty depressing. It's all of little to no consequence. I'm cold, is all. I'll get over it. I could have lived in South Carolina and been warm all year 'round, but then I'd be eating poorly and bitching about the lack of culture every day.

Amber is on a health kick. If you're going to be obsessive about something, being healthy is, um, a pretty healthy thing to latch onto. We joined the gym and she's all about it, but I'm still pretty shy about working out around everyone else. It's just a cultural thing I guess...Americans are way more crazy about body image than anyone else on the planet. Anyway, I don't know why I'm talking about weather and gyms.

I care about this thing I'm going to write. I was working on a short screenplay about a date night that I had in London, and I had jazzed it up to make it slightly fictional/more interesting. I wrote two drafts - the first one I liked more but writing group didn't approve, but the second draft didn't fare much better. I guess it's destined to remain a funny story for a buzzed late night chat session. Not meant for the screen...or maybe I'll get inspired to re-write it again sometime.

So now that I've been going to writing group for a few weeks, I'm learning LOTS. Including the happy realization that I've got SOMETHING like potential. I'm dropping the short because I don't care about it as much as this great big idea that I've had for quite some time. No, it's not the one that James and Erin know about. That one is pretty good too though, and I'll work on them after I finish this thing that is as-yet-untitled and currently has its plot points scrawled in sharpie ink over 3 big pieces of colored construction paper.

Speaking of James, he's doing really quite well. We speak about weekly, which makes me happy.

I did some things that were really cool, but they were too long ago and I never wrote about them and now it feels less cool because time has passed and I have a head cold. Well, there was the Corin Tucker singing the Beatles thing, which I already posted, so there's that. I like her lots. I want to cast her in my movie if and when that happens.

Keep writing, that's the thing. That's the challenge.

I'm...working at a call center for a health insurance company. The horrors are many. I don't want to give it too much power by writing about it though. Just thought you all should know that's how I'm supporting myself these days.

I DJed a night at Ground Kontrol last month. It's a classic arcade with a bar. I tweeted my playlist, which ruled, obviously. Thing is, it's an arcade, nobody is there to dance, they're just playing games, so it's pretty laid back. The sound was horrible; the manager kept turning my volume down because he didn't want me to drown out the video game sounds, so it was a strange mix. I played mostly 70/80s wave type stuff, because that just seemed to fit with the scene. I don't really know why they even have a DJ, but hey, it paid $37 and I got to play songs for 3 hours, and I'd do it again.

I've made Bottle Rocket artwork for here...even went to Kinko's and got a bunch of posters printed. I'm gonna take them to some venues and pitch the club night to them. I'm disappointed that it's not happened yet, and I'm going to have to wait until after the holidays to do anything about it, but then again it took 2 years before I got a club night in Glasgow.

Going back to uni...maybe. This time - to be a teacher of young minds! The applications for this sort of thing are far more demanding than all of the arts programs that I've been a part of over the years. I'm not qualified for teaching, but maybe I'll get into a program and get myself qualified. Most folks who know me think I'd be an awesome teacher, and though I'm sort of nauseatingly nervous about the idea, I think it might be what I'm destined to do.

I'm playing the Low Christmas ep. It's the first time that I've played it this year. It reminds me of my last night in Glasgow. I asked Chris to play "Just Like Christmas" directly after my last song of the night. He did, and I danced with Laura, who was so sweet and kind to me that night. I know it's been nearly a year, but that night is so vivid in my mind, it really was one of those nights one never forgets.

I can't believe it's been nearly a year...

Corin Tucker sings The Beatles!

2009-11-19T23:05:00.000-08:00

I shot this last night at Mississippi Studios in Portland:

Year 30 Part II: USA / Goals for 31

2009-10-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

Year 30 Part II: USA

I came back to America trying to convince myself that it was going to be another challenge, another adventure, and that the election of Barak Obama was going to make America an awesome place. Thing is, I didn't really believe any of that. I was miserable, sunk into a depression deeper than anything I had experienced since high school, and trying to force myself to be optimistic absolutely destroyed my energy and broke my brain. I was sent back to this country in pieces.

I had no place to go. My family had long since left New York City for rural upstate regions, where the snow was measured in feet, the temperatures were typically below zero, and the social scene consisted of kids doing meth at the laundarymat. My friends in NYC couldn't put me up, and my biological father, who lives in neighboring New Jersey, was unable to accomodate me during this terrifying period. I went upstate to try and collect my thoughts and spend time with my lovely mother, but couldn't deal with the climate and general lack of life.

My aunt and uncle offered me a room in their Maryland home, just outside of the DC beltway. I felt some optimism about moving to a big city again. I witnessed history as one of the millions in attendance of President Obama's inauguration. That was pretty cool. I felt the hope. I started applying for jobs in DC, and invested time in discovering the city. I went on a few dates and met some nice people. I spent 8 or 9 hours a day applying for jobs, sure that my experience in NYC and London would impress some DC folks, but after a couple of weeks and not getting a single response, I collapsed back into the darkness, even more drained than ever. I spent several days in my bedroom just watching episodes of 30 Rock and The Office - entire seasons were consumed. I had never watching so much TV in my life. I felt so utterly defeated, as if I was going to just give it all up and turn into some lifeless American, like I was going to live in the suburbs and take some generic IT job and spend all my free time in front of the TV playing video games or something - this became a horrible fear. I mean, like, I started shaking because I was so afraid that this is what I was going to become.

I had to stop it from happening.

I got in the car.

I didn't know where I was going exactly.

I headed west, because that was the only place left to discover.

My head said Austin. My heart said Portland. I think it was always gonna be Portland.

The road was maddening. Driving for 14 hours a day, I was quickly worn down by how oppressive and enormous this country is. For thousands of miles, everything looked the same. I constantly feared that my car was going to break down in the middle of some god-forsaken southern plain. It was not an enjoyable journey. I had left for the road in the midst of a severely depressive episode, and after a few days I was terrified because I had made such an irrational decision and all of a sudden I was 2,000 miles away from home.

I needed a hug pretty freaking badly. I gunned for Albuquerque to see James. It took me something like 1400 miles off course for Portland, but it was probably necessary. I felt like a zombie in the New Mexico desert, and I though I was so happy to see such an important and incredibly relevant friend, I had a hard time showing it due to the emotional and physical exhaustion that I was experiencing.

Arriving in Portland was marked with joy and confusion. I had decided to move across the country to a city that I had never even seen before, had no connections in, and offered no appealing job opportunities. All I really knew is that a bunch of bands I liked were living there, as well as a couple of my favorite filmmakers, and that it had a reputation as one of the most liberal cities in America.

It was March 5th, and within a few hours of arriving in Portland, I had found a place to stay for a month. Shortly after moving my stuff into a basement in the Mississippi district, I went to my first gig and made my first friend. Everything was looking up. I wrote about that first night here.

Now I'm living at my 4th address in 7 months, and am about to get laid off for the 2nd time over the same period. I'm happy with my love. I still have a hard time making friends on my own, but Amber's friends are fantastic. I miss my friends in the UK terribly...more than they could even realize.

I have now moved 30 times in my life.

Portland is my home now.

Goals for year 31:

Start Bottle Rocket PDX.
Go back to university for teaching.
Return to the UK for a visit, and guest DJ at Bottle Rocket.
Celebrate more Jewish holidays.
Learn to be a better and more understanding partner to my loved one.
Write one short screenplay.
Write one feature screenplay.
Become a substitute teacher.
Sell my car.
Buy a bus pass.
Cook at home more.
Read more books.
Take more walks.
Host a few movie nights.
Get a radio show.
Go to more gigs.
Go back to the east coast to visit my family.
Blog more.
Get new glasses.
Buy clothes that fit me.

x

Year 30 Part I: UK

2009-10-05T20:54:00.001-07:00

Allow me to reflect for an evening.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

30 was a big year. Transitional indeed.

Last October I was living in London, and for my birthday I flew up to Glasgow to see my dear Friends. We had dinner at Cafe Andaluz in Hillhead, and at that table were Duncan, Susan, Chris, Laura, James, Patrick, and a few others. But those six people changed my life over the course of time. They were, and still are, the coolest people in the world to me. It was the beginning of a very strange year.

The day after my birthday, Chris and I went off to Sweden for a week or so. You can read about that here. Shortly after that trip was Bottle Rocket October, which was when the universe hinted something was up. While BR October was incredible and possibly the most euphoric night I've ever had, it was marked by utter shock by the news that James was getting deported. He worked at a Church, so I thought he would be safe from this fate, but no no no, the government was onto him, and he had to go back to the states. The laws started getting tougher. James was the last American friend I had. Erin had voluntarily split a while ago, and even Stacey had left. Like me, James had no intention of leaving. I wrote about James here.

November was intense. The election of Barak Obama had me very excited, and for a minute I even thought that it would be cool to be back in the states. We had a post-election party at my Brixton house, which was fucking insane, I drank too much raspberry vodka and had a very difficult time speaking to my friend Alex who was trying to discuss film with me. I only remember how difficult it was to maintain eye contact because it looked like his head was moving in circles around the room. Then there was Bottle Rocket November, which was a doozy. I remember getting so caught up in the songs, and started singing, screaming even, along to some of the songs that I played for the USA - "Remember Today" by the Thermals, "I Believe in Miracles" by the Ramones, and particularly "Mr. November" by The National, during which probably scared a few people with my shouting along. I remember that night so distinctly, how, because the CD players weren't working properly, Chris and I had to alternate songs all night and how it created a unique tension that I think the whole room felt, and how it lifted us all to heaven once Nina Simone started singing "Feeling Good". I looked out on the floor at that point and saw love bursting all over the room, and I felt so happy with my life, so good about what I was doing, being so very truly at the core of a permeating and empowering love.

At the end of November, I took a personal trip to Lisbon on my own, which I wrote about here, here, and especially here. There are pictures too. Upon returning to the UK, during what should have been a routine customs stop, I was informed that I needed to return to the US soon or be "forcefully removed" from the UK. I didn't write about this at the time because I thought that I could fight it and beat it without making much of a drama about the whole ordeal. I went to the BBC and asked for visa help, but they deemed me too insignificant an employee to waste any money or lawyers on. I gathered all of the information that the immigration people wanted, and after a few frantic days of phone calls and trying to keep myself together, I was told that I was unable to renew my visa (the International Graduates Visa), because under new immigration policies, that particular visa had been discontinued and the only way to stay in the UK was to either make twice my salary or marry a British citizen. I was now into December, with an expiration date of Jan 10th. I revealed the sad news in a post on December 4th. On December 5th I went to How Does it Feel to be Loved in Brixton and danced to The Smiths.

Bottle Rocket December was my last time DJing. It was my goodbye to the city that I loved with all my heart. It was a celebration. Several nice ladies offered to marry me, but I politely declined as I knew it wasn't a sacrifice that they would make while sober. I wrote about it here. I wonder if it was the best night of my life. I was so so sad...my setlist was terribly strange, a mix of Christmas songs and deeply personal songs. When I played "Get Up" by Sleater-Kinney, it was the first time that I felt like I was going to eventually live in Portland. I closed my set with "Sleep the Clock Around", which was the song that played like a loop in my head during my very first visit to Glasgow. I put the song on, walked away from the mixing board and hit the dancefloor, dancing with my friend Laura, who held me as I tried unsuccessfully to bite back the tears.

I still had things to do - ending my job at the BBC, visiting Amsterdam with Lacey over the New Year holiday, and getting on that goddamned airplane. But when I left Glasgow the day after Bottle Rocket, that was when the darkness came. That commute home was so difficult - I had to keep myself together whilst on trains and planes, and when I got back to Brixton I remember just running up the stairs, shutting my door, and wailing into my pillow for hours.

Year 30 Part II: USA will be posted soon.

2,000 miles of west coast stories

2009-09-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

Over Labor Day weekend we went down to the Bay Area - stayed with some friends in Oakland. Our temporary residence was a home atop a series of storefronts in the Asian district nearby Lake Merritt. It's a unique home known as "The Happiness Hotel" to some or simply "The China House" to others. Though it was unlike any living space I had ever seen, it wouldn't be out of place on the European Hostel circuit. Through the open door we were greeted by smiles and an adorable wee Ewok-looking doggie named Devo. The vibrant house has two kitchens, several living rooms, and around 11 bedrooms, all occupied by various creative beings, with an age range from about 20-50. The place had a colorful but dark energy; a dwelling of calm people surrounded by walls shouting art from all corners. The hub of the Happiness was the outside roof space that could be accessed from the two separate ends of the L-shaped home. Since Oakland is said to have the best climate in the USA, the outside area, bursting with flora and old house wares, naturally serves as the heart of the home. It was out here where we watched Blazing Saddles being projected onto a wall. Though everyone was fairly knackered from whatever challenges came before them, I was in awe of the place, and hope to return.

Oakland is a strange city - being just a 30-minute subway ride from San Francisco has given the city an inferiority complex over time, and it is apparent that much of the city has decayed without much care. It's one of those cities that are clearly due for gentrification, as young progressives out of college make it their cheap home base whilst trying to break into a career in a more promising place such as Berkeley or SF. It's not quite the hipster haven that Brooklyn has become over the past decade, though it will be in due time.

I did manage to get across the Bay - on Saturday night, Amber and I took the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) subway into the SoMa area in search of indie karaoke. Actually, I was hoping to get us to a club night called Leisure, which boasts both indie-pop dancing AND karaoke, which would be ideal for Amber and myself, since I'm not much for karaoke and dearly miss my dancing nights. SF had a London-type quality to the air - dense and chilling; with frosty clouds hovering around the top floors of monochrome structures. Because we only had about 3 hours before the last BART left for Oakland, we couldn't wander around the iconic bits of the city - so I never saw the waterfront, the Golden Gate, Haight, or any of the famous hippie stuff. We did manage to accidentally stumble into the Mission district during a search for a loo, which we finally found inside possibly the nicest Denny's I've ever seen. After satisfying that particular urge, we ended up on Folsom Street, where the clubs lay dormant until whenever they deem appropriate. Doormen and bouncers hung about and exchanged pleasantries with the happy wondering souls on the street. And that was quite common - happiness - seemed to permeate through the cracks of this city. Everyone was smiling. Amber drew my attention to this as I was too involved with navigating the unfamiliar streets, but once I looked around, I saw the smiles. It wasn't creepy or anything, no, it was just nice. Everything was nice. People were happy to be in San Francisco that night. I wonder if it's always the case. Since Leisure wasn’t starting until 10:30 and we had to be on the train at 11 or so, we decided to head to Annie’s Social Club, which had some sort of metal show going on, but had a wee red karaoke room in the back for a small group of singers, all of whom were friendly and accepting to Amber & I. My sweet lady belted out a few tunes before we did a little B-52s duo of Private Idaho, something I really enjoy doing because I get so sing and dance to the B-52s with my loved one.

So that was my San Francisco experience. I’ll be back someday to see the city in the daylight.

Seeing my mother for the first time in 8 months was nice too. She was in Monterey with her partner to attend his daughter’s wedding, which I’m sure was lovely because MONTEREY IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACES IN AMERICA. Monterey Bay is protected by some cool law that makes it illegal for boats or dirty things to be in it. I sat out on the rocks in the water and watched herons and other awesome birds hanging out on bits of coral while Amber and my mom got to chatting. It was quite an exceptional trip for mom, as she had never been away from her daughter before, nor had she ever traveled so far from home. It was the best trip of her life, and I had never seen her so happy.

Outside of Berkeley was Pixar studios. I became aware of this by a friend in the car as we drove by en route to food. I was tempted but didn’t stop for a look. We ate at a café just a few blocks away, and it was one of the coolest cafes ever – The Rudy Can’t Fail Café. Yes, yes, YES, it was a Clash-themed joint. Barbie-type dolls lined the wall. I had the Jimmy Shake.

We went to a movie night last night and watched Coraline. It’s still creepy and smart.

Some other things have happened recently. There’s the Seattle trip.

Miles is a friend who lives around the corner from us. He likes the Pet Shop Boys. Quite a lot, I reckon, since he bought a pair of tix to see them in Seattle, which is a 3-hour drive away.

The following is a dramatization. Names have been changed to protect me from misquoting, which I most likely am but don’t really mean to.

INTERIOR – DAY

PHONE RINGS

JOSHUA
Hi Megan

MEGAN
Um…Miles has this table, but we have to drive him to Seattle.

JOSHUA
Uh huh….

MEGAN
This table is perfect….OH MY GOD…it’s red and vintage and perfect….oh yeah, so, Miles has tickets to see the Pet Shop Boys in Seattle.

JOSHUA
OK

MEGAN
He’ll pay for gas and stuff. So you wanna go? We have to leave within the hour or so.

JOSHUA
Sure! I’ve never been to Seattle before, let’s do it.

Cut to later on…

CAR – NIGHT

MEGAN
Will there be peeing soon?

JOSHUA sees an upcoming exit for Sleater-Kinney Ave. and gets excited

JOSHUA
YES! We can pee at Sleater-Kinney!

And that’s the story of how I finally saw the street that gave the name to my favorite rock band. It’s in Lacey, Washington, just outside of Olympia.

So we went to Seattle, but like my San Francisco trip, it was brief and dark, yet enjoyable and leaving me with a desire to return for a proper visit with the city. While Miles went to the concert, Amber and I met her old friend Matt, who I chatted with me about chicken coops, writing and children. The trip back included a stop at Denny’s in Olympia, and I felt like I was 21 and in college again, since that was the sort of thing I used to do with Jeff back in the olden days.

That was Seattle. And now we have this incredible table which I’m writing on. We’re both in love with it. It’s red and has matching chairs.

Oh, so we live together now, Amber and I. I think I should have mentioned that someplace else for this to make sense, but I suppose I’m in a non-linear place and that’s ok.

Amber wants to have a DJ battle with me right now. How cool is that?!

Our home is an apartment in the Buckman neighborhood, between Belmont and Hawthorne in the 20s. Laurelhurst Park is only 1 mile away, and the bus stop is just 2 blocks away. The
‘hood is bursting with flora and nice people. I love being able to walk everywhere. I’m intent on selling my car and getting a bus pass and a bike.

We celebrated our first holiday together in our home; Rosh Hashanah was this past weekend. We rocked a sweet challah and Amber busted out some blessings. Then we started to watch Fanny and Alexander (the 3-hour version), which Amber had never seen before. We made it halfway before having nap attacks, so we’ll resume later. It’s a terrific holiday film; the last time I had seen it was on Christmas of last year, when I was alone. Jeff had recently sent a text suggesting that it may be one of the 5 greatest films of all time, a sentiment to which I am complicit.

There’s a plan in place, just no cash. It’ll be ok though.

It’s weird not being a film critic or a DJ or something like that. Those were nice identities to have, though I’ve been doing that sort of thing on and off since the end of 1997, so I’m confident that it’ll come around again. I really wanna give people something to be excited about. Now that I’m settled into an apartment, that’s got a better shot at happening. It’s still a challenge to find time to myself, but I’m working on that.

For now though, everything is nice.

Moments

2009-08-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

This is from WNYC's podcast Radio Lab. I love it.

100 Days

2009-08-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

We went to see 500 Days of Summer this past weekend.

We both loved it immensely. So much so that I couldn't even think of walking back to the car afterward - we had to sit down and talk about our feelings for another hour or so. It was in the park blocks near the theater district and PSU.

Sometimes there is this magic feeling...as if we are in tune with everything around us; I feel like we've got the key lights in our eyes and everyone around us is in our movie. As we held hands on that park bench; as I found myself in this magical place, I heard a choir chanting "love, love, love". It was coming from one of the theaters or churches nearby. They were singing the Beatles song "All You Need is Love". Shortly thereafter, a wedding procession walked by.

100 days of open hearts.
100 days of open minds.

Ongoing discussions of stars, cups, family, strength, bravery, childhood, journeys, love, swords, plants, dreams, devils, and songs.

Life, the universe, and everything. It's what I wanted.

We went to the Delta Cafe the other day for a ridiculously heavy meal of southern food. Shortly after my barrel of sweet tea arrived, I heard a familiar voice in the background. It was Stuart...someone had put on "If You're Feeling Sinister" and as I silently wished for it to be louder, the volume went up. I felt so happy to be there with my sweetheart, eating delicious food as my favorite album played. She's not a B&S fan, but she did finally ask me to burn her a cd so she could see what it's all about. I'm debating if I should make a mix of their best songs or just give her Sinister. The dilemma with B&S is that Stuart's vocals are stronger on the later albums but the lyrics on the early albums are more remarkable.

Moving forward.

I'm happy that I've changed so much. I'm not thinking of myself so much anymore. I used to be accused of being selfish by a couple of girlfriends, and I think that was probably because I didn't really feel all that invested in those relationships. It's strange, because I thought I could trick myself into thinking that those were the kind of relationships that I deserved. Even when I met my lady, I thought to myself "she's out of my league", which is the mentality I've always had. I had to get that nonsense out of my system.

I didn't even really try...I think that's the nice thing about this...my effort isn't so much on making myself appear attractive, it is much more focused on trying to understand the complexities of my partner and letting my affections grow organically within the bond that we've magically created.

It's been a nice change. I've grown a lot here.

Just lie in the grass for a while. Make gentle movements.

There's nothing wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with love.

On the radio in Portland!

2009-07-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to be introduced to a nice fella named Mike about a month ago. We got to talking about music and stuff, and with some help from my lady friend, I was offered a guest spot on Mike's radio show "Signal to Noise Radio" on KPSU. I had a blast playing some Glasgow bands such as Life Without Buildings, Remember Remember, We Are The Physics, and of course Dananananaykroyd. You can check out the playlist for the show and have a listen here.

I ain't the worst that you've seen

2009-07-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

It's late and I have to get up for work in the morning, but I wanna write a little bit so here.

My new house is nice. Housemates are cool cats. They're currently out back smoking stuff and listening to various covers of "Jump". The Aztec Camera version is particularly good. I would hang out with them but it's been a long day and bed is cozier.

I have a new job as well. I happily parted with my unstable, unpleasant corporate temp job and am now working for a non-profit helping feed the hungry. It's only a temporary job, as they all seem to be these days, but I'm thinking that maybe they'll hire me on as a regular. It would be nice to have that part of my life straightened out.

I heard the most beautiful thing tonight. This couple that I know are getting married next month, and they've written their vows into a song that they will sing, along with a group of their friends. I heard the demo of the song tonight, and it totally blew me away. It was one of the most wonderfully heartfelt ways of expressing love that I've ever heard.

Bree invited me to go to writing group tomorrow night. I might just do it, even though I've got nothing to share just yet. I did however write out a rough outline for a short film; the skeleton for 7 scenes or so is there to be filled out. I just need to find the time. And I know I said before that I should ditch karaoke for writing, but I've not yet done so. But after tonight, I really should take my own advice. Singing only gets me into trouble.

12:45am, and the baby is crying. This happens every night. Yes, there is a baby living here with her mom. The Daddy is on the Warped Tour all summer, so I think that's why the baby is upset so often. It's hard to adjust to all of the noise in this house, but it's fine, I'll get there eventually.

There's lots to do. Gonna try sleep now x

Turn It On

2009-07-01T00:05:00.000-07:00

I was in the car and she told me she loved me. Seconds later, she broke into a Sleater-Kinney song, belting out a verse from Turn It On.

I have waited my whole life for that to happen.

I can only smile.

******

Today I moved house. It was exhausting as usual. I'm on my third Portland home in four months. This one's good though, and it's in a neighborhood named Brooklyn. Huh.

I went to karaoke to try and get out some of my tension from moving - moving makes me feel ill - and it only made me feel worse. I couldn't get anything right. I think I'm going to take a break from the karaoke for a while. I need to focus on writing instead.

I'm going to try and sleep in this new bed now. The person who slept in it before is a nice man who is out on tour for 3 months writing zines about bicycles and cities.

Things are evolving.

Two months in this relationship is coming up on Friday. Four months in Portland comes on Sunday. I'm nearly at six months in the US. Bottle Rocket is having its 1-year party soon too. Lots to write about!

Soon enough.

The Indie Travel Guide to Portland

2009-06-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

When I moved to Portland, without a job or purpose or anything cool like that, I volunteered myself to write the Indie Travel Guide Portland page for my friend Ian, the head honcho of How Does It Feel to Be Loved?. HDIF is London's best club night, as well as a terrific record label which puts out albums by Butcher Boy, Saturday Looks Good to Me, and Cats on Fire in the UK.

After wandering around in the rain for 2 months, I submitted my piece on Portland. I just realized that it's been edited and published, and you can read it here.

Hope you enjoy it!

Your ex is a man, my ex is a land

2009-06-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

More learning...more searching for materials with which to build a foundation for this Portland life.

My lady friend has been opening up about some concerns regarding my associations with Britain. Last night it was brought to my attention that I speak of Britain as one would speak of an ex.

I sometimes feel quite intimidated when compared to my friend's big ex. I don't think there's much worry about my big ex. But I'm starting to realize that the love of my life was not a person, but a time and place.

Britain may be 5,000 miles away, but having lived there for 2 1/2 years, having studied at the University of Glasgow, done a radio show on Subcity, a club night at Nice N Sleazy, was an active BAFTA member and film critic, attended services at the Scottish Presbyterian Church, lived with 9 different British flatmates over that time, dated a couple of British women, and on top of that worked at the BBC...I became part of British culture, and it became part of me.

This does not mean that I have compromised my integrity or lost my cultural identity. Being from Staten Island isn't really something I'm very proud of. It's the only borough in NYC that still votes Republican. It's an ugly little place which is most famous for having one of the largest landfills in the world. It is, quite literally, a dump. My associations with that place are largely negative, as it mostly consists of childhood and teen years, neither being particularly nice times of my life.

I don't think I ever felt self-love until Glasgow. 27 years of crushing stress and chaos gave way to two-plus years of relative peace, friendship, and adventure.

OK apparently I do romanticize this time. Coming back to America I knew that I was capable of love and happiness, and moved to Portland because it seemed like a good place to search for such things. And Portland is lovely, much less crushing than New York.

But what is my point...ummmmm...

Oh yeah

I get myself in trouble for using British vernacular. This happens. I still say "cheers" when someone holds open a door for me or serves me a drink or something. I still say "what do you fancy" instead of saying "what do you want". I still say "wee bit" instead of "just a little". I still say "hiya" instead of "hello". I think those are the most common offenders.

I do not do this on purpose. It's become second nature, like saying "bless you" when someone sneezes. I don't want to sound like a wanker. I spoke to James about this, and he says he still says the same things. He lives in the suburbs around New Jersey now, and gets funny looks when he says "ta" (I never really picked up "ta", though I did use "takk" whilst in Scandanavia). My lady friend is not the first to call me out on this language confusion. Back in January my friend from Brooklyn came out to visit me in London and she got on my case about this issue. She was right, it's pissing off people in America.

I'm having a difficult time letting go of my British past. I wasn't just a tourist, it was my life. It's hard to explain to people who haven't gone through this.

I'm still in love with Britain, but please don't think of it as a threat. When I remember Britain, I remember the power that I had discovered within myself, and I need to summon those powers here in Portland.

Carrie, I am making a birdhouse

2009-06-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

Once a few weeks back we were driving around, happy as can be, singing along to "Birdhouse In Your Soul". Then we pulled up behind a car in traffic and there was a birdhouse sitting sideways in the back window.

She had always predicted one big explosion.

Yesterday was a Space Mountain-type rollercoaster.

Stressing and wondering are counter-productive. Singing and shared moments work magic.

I'm learning lots about light now after having spent some time in the dark.

We went to Chop II for karaoke. My friend told the bartender that we had broken up. I felt sort of awful but admired her candor. I had been going to karaoke with my friend since the first night we met, over 5 weeks ago. We've probably been about 20-25 times. I had never sang before, mostly because my friend is a sensational vocalist and I was afraid of sucking hard. But since we were broken up and just friends, I felt less pressure and gave it a go. It felt good. I started with "Eleanor Put Your Boots On" followed by "Ever Fallen in Love", "Teenage Kicks", and "How Soon is Now". Two punk classics sandwiched by two ballads. All British bands, so she countered by singing all Portland bands. I was comfortable and had a blast. It was nice to just let go of worry and focus on having a fun time expressing myself. And it was awesome to dance again, I partly chose the Buzzcocks and Undertones because I needed so badly to dance to those tunes which I loved to play at Bottle Rocket. Of course it helped that the lyrics were appropriate for the way I was feeling.

We ended up watching Eternal Sunshine together.

Sometime later we found each other again.

Today was like nothing ever happened. We ate soup at the supermarket. I feel loose.

Job interview tomorrow morning.

Let's rebuild.

Another Girl, Another Planet

2009-06-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

I've got a broken heart. I was in deep, and she was confused. I had met all of her closest friends and family, and even her therapist. There was talk of a dog, a house, and even murmurs of a big Jewish wedding. It seemed to have huge potential, this insanely intense relationship that has utterly ravaged my entire being for the past month. I'm at the age where I want to meet someone who makes me think big things; someone who I can fall in love with regardless of our differences. For a few moments I thought I had found that person. But she didn't feel the same way. When she told me she loved me, I mistook it for romantic love, for I have never before had a friend in my bed who told me she loved me with any other connotation. I don't really know what she was feeling, it was all very confusing. Instead of having a lover, I now have a friend with whom I share an intimate history. And that is ok, because she is a foxy, witty, and unique friend and I'm happy to be in her life in a positive capacity.

She threw Muppets at me. She sang They Might Be Giants songs, and even held up a red dress on cue during "The World's Address".

We walked along the ocean for hours. It was like a movie. Or a dream.

I'm not as interesting as I used to be, I think that's what happened. I don't have any good friends in Portland, except for the lady friend who just left me. I'm beginning to think that this is a big issue, me not having any foundation or history in Portland. She has been here for a decade and knows loads of people, and therefore always dictated our social life. I came out to Portland with the confidence inspired by my moving to Scotland in 2006. I figured that it would be dead easy compared with moving to another country. But what I forget sometimes is that I went into Glasgow as a student, with a structure conducive to socializing. In Portland I'm just another passer by. When I moved to London, I made friends through the indiepop clubs. There are no such things in Portland, and I'm afraid Bottle Rocket would not go over well here.

This is a beautiful city, one of the very best places to live in America. I want to have a house and a dog and a family here someday.

I don't know though.

I have some friends in New York and Boston. Perhaps I'm better off heading back east. The job markets must be better than Portland, and I know for sure that there's an audience for Bottle Rocket out east. I might need a foundation; some friends and/or family around the corner couldn't hurt. Maybe I was thinking that starting my own family would be my own way of building a foundation.

I am terribly confused.

I had some big ideas. I felt my heart truly spark for the first time in nine years. When I recall that feeling my eyes swell with tears. I only wish that she could have felt it too.

I'm still able to feel it, which is exciting yet crippling. I was numb to it for nearly a decade.

I always wondered if this woman ever existed. I spanned an ocean and a continent, and I finally found her.

She believes in me. She is my best friend.

Thank you dearest

x

Happy Friday!!!

2009-06-03T00:39:00.000-07:00

I got laid off on Friday. It was an utter disaster. Usually we have a meeting at the beginning of our shift and the morning shift relays "useful" information to our shift, the swing shift. Well, there wasn't any supervision for the meeting. Someone said to me "uh, you might want to check your email". So I did, and got a sloppily written message in cutesy big slanty green font saying something to the effect of "SORRY I GUESS WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT TODAY IS THE LAST DAY ON THE JOB. WHOOPSIE. THANKS FOR THE GREAT JOB. HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!". And that was how I was laid off. The supervisors fucked off to some off-site party to celebrate the end of the project I was working on. They didn't even invite us workers who brought the project to completion. It was insult after insult.

So that happened. I've been on the jobhunt since, only to be told "wow, you're great, but we just don't have anything right now" which is what I kept hearing 3 months ago when I moved to Portland.

Last night at karaoke a very small man came up to me and started talking shite about my girl. She was standing right behind him, so I was momentarily confused into thinking it was all a very bad joke, but then I realized that it wasn't, and so for the very first time in my life I contemplated punching a very small man.

I just saw Colin (aka Drums of Death) and Peaches. Colin used to do the Kaput! club night that I worked at with Duncan, Tom, and Laura in Glasgow. It was an incredible show, and Colin was phenomenal, I was really impressed with his energy and am sure that he is on his way to the big time.

Tomorrow night I might go see Far. It will satisfy my inner 20-year-old.

Thursday night I'm going to see Camera Obscura! My Maudlin Career is my favourite album of 2009 thus far. And they're from Glasgow as well, which makes me hyper thrilled. I never got to know any of them - only met Gav once but saw him all over the place, but we have a bunch of the same friends. I don't really know how to approach them, like, if I should even try to be cool and hang out or just sit back and watch the show like everyone else and not worry about anything more.

Friday night is Neko Case. I should get my ticket for this soon...maybe today...

Saturday night is Jens Lekman!

Far, Neko, Obscura, Jens....those are 4 of my favorites. What a week!

The appetite returns!

2009-05-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

Things are looking better. The hugs help, as does the sunshine. I'm loving Portland, particularly walking around SE and seeing all of the beautiful colors and random kitties and doggies. I can see what I want for my future on these walks.

I am still unsure about my job situation. I'm going to be laid off as soon as one week from now or as late as 4 weeks from now. I crave stability.

I don't write film reviews or music reviews any longer. I don't like being a critic so much these days, but I still want to champion small movies and bands.

St. Vincent is playing here on Monday at a theatre close by my house, and I wanna go. I don't know anyone here who likes her though. I may just go alone, which is ok. Camera Obscura are playing here soon, which has me giddy with delight. And my friend Colin is coming here as well, supporting Peaches, but it's on a work night so I might miss him. I need a job with normal hours so that I can see these musical friends who are coming all the way from Glasgow to Portland. Glaswegians are coming here!!

I have two movie ideas that I need to develop. One is a short and the other is a feature. I'm having difficulty finding time to nurture these ideas though, and I can't let it slip away. I started writing Bastards last summer after I moved to London, but it was so intense that I couldn't get past page 10, and I still think about it every single day. I think writing these other projects will help. I'm trying to figure out what kind of screenwriter I am. I listen to interviews with all of these other screenwriters and they're all so different; it's amazing how people approach the creative process in their own way. There aren't any rules, really, and since I'm writing on spec anyway I can just do what I want until someone likes it enough to give me money and tell me what to fix. I need to outline. Outlining is key for me, because my thoughts are so tangled up in emotional webs and they need to be straightened out...I need to carefully hand over my heart to my brain and find a balance so that the two can work together to create something personal yet coherent. I believe that I can do this.

Morrissey is 50 today.

I didn't know him at all

2009-05-16T13:38:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I got word that my grandfather was about to die. He had been suffering from lung cancer for about 10 years, but had contracted MRSA from all the chemo. I didn't really know what that meant, but I was told that he had about a week to live, if that.

He passed away this morning at age 74, a few weeks before his 75th birthday.

I never met him.

I know that he was a retired New York City Police Officer. He represents my Italian bloodline. He liked to travel and gamble; his favorite places being Italy and Las Vegas. From the stories I've heard, he was a hard man, very old-school, blue-collar NYC. I've been told that I get my hair from him.

I only met my father for the first time three years and three days ago. I can't even begin to write about this experience just now. I've spent the past 3 years trying to write about it, with little success of being articulate. But I digress. Shortly after meeting my father, I met my grandmother; both of them lived in New Jersey. My grandfather, however, lived in Florida, which would require a big trip. Instead of going to Florida, I got on a plane and went to the UK and Ireland to look at grad schools, and from there my life continued to change at an alarming rate. I had a new family. I ended a nearly 6-year relationship with the woman I was living with. I moved to Scotland, alone.

I thought there would be more time to meet my grandfather, but in all honesty I was afraid of what I'd encounter. When I got the message that he had a week to live, it triggered the worst bout of melancholy that I've had in years. It's made me terribly depressing to be around. It's nearly wrecked two friendships and given me the urge to leave Portland. Depression sucks hard. My body is feeling it more than it usually had. I could barely walk the other day. I've hardly eaten anything. I don't feel like shaving. My belly aches all the time. I don't have anything fun to say...everything is too serious. I'm lame. I just want to sit in a field in the middle of nowhere and sing Low songs.

I'm mourning somebody I never knew. But he is a part of me. I wouldn't have been born if it weren't for him. I wouldn't have crazy dark hair with random curls. I wouldn't tan so well. I wouldn't be so big. There are other things, less good things that he has done that have such deep implications on my life.

I didn't know him at all.

But he was a child once.

Portland 2 months in and there's quite a lot to discuss.

2009-05-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

Now for this.

Girls...oh my...I've had a silly month. I don't write too much on here because I worry that I'm going to upset someone. It doesn't really matter though, I can't control who is going to get mad at me anymore. I'm a nice person but it's really exhausting to keep everyone happy all the time. My dear friend came out to me about something recently that made me feel guilty for just being myself; I don't know what I'm supposed to feel but I don't want to feel guilty anymore.

I've been dating.
I don't like dating.
I mean "dating".

Like, meeting someone for drinks, sitting across from them and talking bullshit for 2 hours whilst every word and facial tick is scrutinized and then there's that awkward moment when the conversation stops for a second and a decision has to be made to either talk about the weather or to say goodbye. And then there's the getting up and being anxious about any sort of physical contact. It's like a sport where points are awarded on technicalities. Like synchronized swimming? No, something more aggressive, yet dancey, like fencing...whilst drunk. I don't like it. It's not for me. It's been a really really looooong time (the Clinton administration) since I met someone I clicked with and genuinely adored through and through. I'm done with extreme compromise. I don't like myself when I go on dates. I drink very fast in order to convince myself that it's all just a silly, fun exercise, one that I need more experience in so that I can be a proper grown up man and stop acting like a hopeless romantic. I hate trying so hard to hide the fact that I love music more than anything else, and I'm angry with myself for nodding and smiling at people when they say "ooh, I love indie...The Killers are my favorite band". Nothing against that band in particular, but if that's where you're at, there's a gazillion other boys out there for you that will be more than happy to engage romantically with you. And I need to stop going out with people like that and I need to stop thinking that I don't deserve the kind of gal I desire. It's done. I'm through with it. If it means that I'm going to be stuck in my room at night making mix cds for my lovely friends or watching a movie by myself, then that's going to be fine. I don't need the stress any more. It's giving me gray hairs and making my stomach hurt. I'm sad and I'm tired.

Say that's that.
That's that.

I'm starting over. Again, yes, again Joseph. I recently remembered what I'm capable of, as if the fog of the past decade has lifted, or I've adapted well enough to it that I can at least move forward without waiting for the sunshine that never seems to come. I feel like I'm 21 again, not in that I feel younger but that I feel confident that I'm going to make my dreams come true. I have something great inside of me and I'm going to nurture it. I won't cheapen myself any longer.

I hope this feeling lasts. I need a game changer, and I think this is it.

OK, I have to make mix cds for my friends now.

This is what happens at work

2009-04-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

1. Arrive at work at 3pm. There is some sort of social gaggle between shifts. They call this a "meeting".

2. Begin my duties. These involve standing in front of a printer, feeding paper into it and taking note of how many papers I've put into it. I do this for the next 8 hours of my life.

That is all.

Love to Los Campesinos!

2009-04-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

Easter was awesome. How awesome was it? Oh, well hey, this stuff all happened:

Pancakes.
Awkward flirtations.
Sky Larkin birthday cape.
Dananananaykroyd moment.
Los Campesinos!
Dancing.
Cheese fries.
Freaks and Geeks.

I write a lot about missing the UK and all, and for a few hours at the Wonder Ballroom last night I felt about as truly happy as I could have possibly felt at that very moment. An avid supporter of Los Campesinos! for the past couple of years, a band whose albums topped my best of the year list and whose Glasgow gig at King Tuts in 2007 was one of the very best gigs I had been to in my whole time in the UK. So to see them in Portland made me terribly homesick, I had actually been suffering anxiety and stomach pains all day leading up to the gig; feeling a bit like seeing an old lover one last time.

Though the room was only 25% full at best, I was still so happy to be up front, like a teenager getting to the gig early to stake out his post. Whilst having a chat about bomb drills during Desert Storm, a lovely, Scandanavian looking blonde girl in a pink dress interjected and we struck up a chat. My friends who know me well enough would laugh, knowing how flustered I get when a pretty girl talks to me, with my NO game and 190 mile per hour nervous pace of nonsensical banter. I sort of black out...it's freaking ridiculous to still be this way at age 30. I somehow kept it together and managed to get onto international travel, something she was about to do and one of my rare areas of pseudo-expertise. Whether or not I was doing well on this little social adventure went out the window, because at some point whilst Los Camp were soundchecking I noticed a really familiar guitar lick...I thought it was just my juke-brain-box for a minute, but once I realized that it was the guitar players actually playing a Dananananaykroyd song I had a mini-freak out. I tried to explain why I was so excited about their soundchecking but I got that dumb-founded look that one gives you when you say "OH MY GOD THIS IS A DANANANANAYKROYD* SONG!" to someone in America who now thinks you're a crazy person. So yeah, that happened.

* Dananananaykroyd are friends from Glasgow, and they're one of my favorite bands on the planet. They excite me.

Los Campesinos! were at the top of their game, even in front of a small, but very enthusiastic crowd. With all the sing-alongs, dancing, finger pointing, and shouting I felt like I was at a hardcore show circa 1998. That's the kind of energy that I live for at gigs. I felt like a teenager again, a very smart, semi-literate, dorky teenager with a heart bursting full of love and a fire in my hips. It was the single happiest hour of my life since arriving in Portland.

Oh, and there's this ridiculous notion amongst Portlanders that there's no dancing in Portland. Well fuck that, we were dancing to Los Camp. I don't know if it's because it was an all-ages show or whatever, but we danced our arses off. It was magic.

Lessons learned, and other topics not adequately covered in this blog post:

-I'm possibly maybe getting slightly better at chat with pretty girls, though still need to keep it together when something reminds me of Glasgow.
-That's probably why I never dated girls I actually fancied in Glasgow - too scared!
-I've still got it in me to exhaust myself at a gig.
-Portlanders DO dance. I saw it with my own eyes.
-I need to watch more Freaks and Geeks. Like, all of it.
-My friend Naomi has the patience of a saint for dealing with me this much.
-I should really pay attention to how much coffee I consume. It's way stronger in Portland than what I've been used to.
-Sky Larkin's fab and all, but Los Camp really need to bring Danananananaykroyd to the US next time 'round.
-How does one say goodbye to someone with whom they've met at a gig? Do you exchange info? Possibly a topic for another post...

It would have been lovely, but there's this thing

2009-04-10T14:03:00.001-07:00

At 3am on the west coast the only person in America that I'm following on twitter is one girl in Portland who is out at karaoke getting wasted and horny. As she drunkenly tweets about hot guys and bad music, the mid-morning clouds are shining over Britain. And last night my worlds lightly collided: when drunken Portland karaoke girl was sadly heading home alone, poking out between clever Graham Linehan tweets was an update from a girl in London who also sent a tweet about finally heading home. It gave me pause, since she's one of those girls that I've not known nearly enough but if I had continued living in London am pretty sure I'd have - for better or worse - fallen in love with her by now. It made me think of London and how I was really starting to hit my stride there after a rough start.

Then I looked at the date - April 10th. Fuck...the 10th...January 10th...visa expired...had to leave everything behind. It's been three months since I left the UK, and I'm starting to think of London more fondly/tragically, like it was a late-term miscarriage - something that was uncomfortable at first but after I let it into my heart I fell in love and eagerly working toward a better future for us. Today would have been 9 months in London. I would still be working at the BBC, I'd have made more awesome friends, I'd have finally gotten my shot as a guest DJ at HDIF, the guys at the falafal place around from the Buffalo Bar would know just how I like my order without even asking, I'd have had three more beautiful Bottle Rocket adventures in Glasgow, and I would have summoned the courage to make a move on that girl before getting suck in the friend zone. I'd be shopping for a wedding present for my friends Connie and Jamie who are getting married in June; they're beautiful and fun and I have such great memories of them and it kills me to think that I can't go to the wedding. There would be ATP in May, which I would be much better prepared for than last year, which caught me at a strange time in my life. I would have been able to sing and dance and clap and hug along to Dananananaykroyd's album launch show. I'd be dreaming up European adventures to Hungary and Greece, and checking Ryanair's website every day for incredible deals.

As it is, I'm in Portland and trying so hard to come to terms with the shape of things. I've already had some adventures here, but I'm really, truly concerned that I checked my heart at the security gate at Heathrow. Something just doesn't feel right.

But I'm powering on in a complicated haze of awful job, online dating, flathunting, great coffee, bad clubs, overpriced martinis, good gigs, and a handful of really odd social interactions.

Introducing...Portland blog thing links!

2009-03-31T17:50:00.005-07:00

I've found a few Portland blogs to add to the blogroll in the sidebar. PDX Pipeline has been a handy source for general Portland goings-on and such. Crappy Indie Music is a Portland scene blog that talks about bands that I don't yet know of but am sure to come across during my stay. The Portland Mercury is the best free alt-weekly, and they've got this Blogtown thing for local issues, and End Hits for music. I really like the Writing in Movement blog, though it's updated about as frequently as nap attacks but she's all neurotic and sweet and I have something of a blog crush on her.

On the non-pdx front:
My friend James has changed his blog site to the simpler TATNA, which isn't really anything yet but he's just moved back to the east coast so give it some time. He recently gave me some songs that he's done and they're really really lovely, lo-fi autobiographical folky wonderful things.

Oh, and I've finally reset my time stamp settings from GMT to Pacific.

Cheer up Portland, or I'm going to take this personally

2009-03-31T16:29:00.004-07:00

Oh Portland. Since I arrived here, Portland has been named The Unhappiest City in America. I somehow feel responsible for tipping the scales; in these harsh times they really didn't need another broke-ass pretend writer to take up that last seat at the bar. Oddly enough I love it here, and I'm beginning to think that I have some sort of morbid fascination for depressing cities. My other favorite city to live in was Glasgow, a city with deep seeded (and deep fried) sadness, which was known as the most violent city in western Europe, but it's probably the best indie scene on the planet. I've also longed to live in Stockholm, a city I've visited three times, though it is horribly cold, has bland food and expensive beer, but the people are so lovely!

But cheer up Portland, you're now also America's Most Sustainable City! That's right, when you cry, your tears feed your cabbage patch!

Oh, and it was also announced that Portland will be getting an Major League Soccer team! My British friends will attest that a footie team is just what every depressed, drunken city needs!

Portland has got a lot going for it, really. For starters, the beer is incredible. There are something like 32 microbrews here, and once I can afford to drink something aside from PBR, I'm going to go on a brew safari. And it's relatively cheap, I mean, all I can compare it to is British and other European prices, which are taxed through the roof so a pint would normally cost you around 6-8 US dollars. Here a good pint is around $4, with another dollar for a tip.

The whole tipping thing has got me a bit confused (I never really drank until I moved to the UK, where they don't tip). It's known that Portland prides itself on its service industry - there's a heavy anti-corporate feel here, so the ethic is to pay a bit more for local indies, so those locals have to step up their service in order to keep the Starbucks types out of the picture. And it's awesome to get a cup of coffee for $1 - but when you're pouring your own cup and bussing your own table, how much of a tip does the employee get for simply passing an empty mug over to you?

So yes, the beer and coffee are fantastic, really, the best I've had in America. The service is lovely and you pay a bit more for it, but it's still cheaper than most cities that are too busy to give a smile or a hot damn.

Otherwise, the Tri-Met public transit system in Portland is pretty ace, though shuts down way too early (1am). How are you supposed to get home after a proper piss-up at the pub? I'm kind of glad that I've still got a car, and am quickly learning about designated driver courtesies.

***

On another note, I've been really conflicted about this blog. It started out in Glasgow as a music blog, and later became the Bottle Rocket blog, but now that I'm neither in Glasgow or doing a club night I'm feeling a bit lost and misguided. It might take a while for things to pick up again, as I still don't have a regular Internet connection (I'm beholden to the library or cafe). I've thought about doing film reviews again, but it's a really bad time of year for film and I can't afford to see everything. Same with gigs, I just can't do that stuff with any regularity unless I'm guestlisted. Anyway, I'm starting a job this week, it's completely non-interesting and is actually out in the suburbs. I'd like to write on a more specific topic other than my first impressions of Portland, because that'll get old quickly and anyway I'm doing a profile of this city for the Indie Travel Guide that will contain most of the relevant content that I'm not putting up here. So if the only people who are reading this are my friends, I'm happy with that for now, and I hope you don't mind me being all discombobulated.

Jx

Bottle Rocket March playlist

2009-03-22T14:20:00.002-07:00

Looks like Chris & Mike pulled off another incredible night in Glasgow last night. I've linked to all of the BR playlists on the sidebar, which is also where you can find the fantastic new Bottle Rocket blog that Chris has been updating regularly. Here's what they played:

1. Olivia Tremor Control - Opera House
2. Meursault - Salt Part One
3. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Satan Said Dance
4. Deastro - Shaded Trees
5. Les Savy Fav - Patty Lee
6. Pink Mountaintops - Execution
7. The Angels - My Boyfriend’s Back
8. Smith - Baby It’s You
9. David Bowie - Rebel Rebel
10. The Johnny Burnette Trio - Honey Hush
11. Squeeze - Up The Junction
12. Belle and Sebastian - Another Sunny Day
13. Juniper Moon - El Resto Di Me Vida
14. The Field Mice - If You Need Someone
15. Super Furry Animals - Rings Around the World
16. Hello Saferide - If I Don’t Write This Song
17. Guided By Voices - Surgical Focus
18. The Crystals - Doo Ron Ron
19. Liz Brady - Partie De Dames
20. Au Revoir Simone - Dark Halls
21. Sambassadeur - Kate
22. Pavement - Shady Lane
23. Cocteau Twins - Iceblink Link
24. Vivian Girls - Tell The World
25. Sons and Daughters - Johnny Cash
26. Wake the President - Miss Tierney
27. Jens Lekman - Black Cab
28. The Doors - Break On Through
29. The Stooges - Search and Destroy
30. Jaguar Love - Humans Evolve Into Skyscrapers
31. Death From Above 1979 - Blood On Our Hands
32. Pixies - Tame
33. Buddy Holly - Well…All Right
34. Gene Vincent - Be Bop A Lula
35. Danny & the Juniors - At the Hop
36. Casiotone For The Painfully Alone - Optimist Vs. Silent Alarm
37. Interpol - Obstacle 1
38. Gang Of Four - I Love A Man In Uniform
39. Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes
40. Pains of Being Pure At Heart - Everything With You
41. The Concretes - Scene Is Fine
42. Magnetic Fields - When My Boy Walks Down the Street
43. The Hidden Cameras - Breathe On It
44. The B-52s - Rock Lobster
45. Fleetwood Mac - Lies
46. Prefab Sprout - Faron Young
47. Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues
48. The Dirtbombs - Chains of Love
49. The Detroit Cobras - My Baby Loves the Secret Agent
50. The Rolling Stones - Start Me Up
51. Weezer - Buddy Holly
52. Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days
53. Andrew W.K. - Party! (You Shout)
54. The Go! Team - Huddle Formation
55. Los Campesinos - You Me Dancing
56. Nirvana - Molly’s Lips
57. McLusky - Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues
58. XTC - Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead
59. Talk Talk - It’s My Life
60. Altered Images - Don’t Talk To Me About Love
61. Martha Reeves and the Vandellas - Jimmy Mack
62. The Smiths - You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet Baby
63. The Police - I Can’t Stand Losing You
64. Madonna - Into The Groove
65. Le Tigre - Deceptecon
66. Penguins - Earth Angel

And that's where I wanna be.

First stab at PDX clubbing

2009-03-22T14:12:00.002-07:00

Electric Feel at Fez

After 2 weeks and no proper dancefloor action, I had come across a blog review of this club night called Electric Feel. The writer hailed the night as a "deeply satisfying dancegasam", which is like woah, I like dancegasams, so hey, this could be for me! Plus, last night was Bottle Rocket in Glasgow, which would have been the happiest place on earth for me, so I needed to make an effort to do something other than wallow in my room with my Glasgow memories.

What I found was not dissimilar to the many by-the-numbers "indie/electro" nights found in many cities. And seriously now, I've been to a good number of these clubs in Europe and they're nearly always the same mix of 90% generic electro, with the odd 15-minute "indie" interlude (Walkmen, Pipettes, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah...those were the night's highlights), and a smattering of DFA-style electro-pop (MGMT, Cut Copy, Hercules & Love Affair). Fez is a big, swanky room, but it was fairly empty most of the night, and by 2 am the place was totally dead. I had given it my all and kept optimistic, but was terribly disappointed.

I'm not meaning to purposefully knock anyone here, and I don't want to come off as a snob, but it just wasn't for me and I doubt I'm going back. I've just got a lot of work ahead of me to find the special Portland clubs. This city has got one of the best indie scenes on the planet - fuck - Stephen Malkmus lives here for chrissakes.

Also, downtown is just a mess. Parking is impossible and it's littered with suburban meatheads, so I'm guessing that the people in the know are at awesome clubs hidden away on the other side of the river - WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE THESE ARE? Thank you.

I'll keep in mind that my first Glasgow club experience was far worse - the Viper. What a nightmare that was.

Dananananaykroyd interview from SXSW!

2009-03-20T17:42:00.004-07:00

I've read a couple of reviews of Dananananaykroyd gigs from SXSW, including this one from tiny mix tapes, which is pretty rave on.

Here's Callum, Laura (for a sec before being kidnapped by the BBC), Paul, and Duncan doing a quick interview with Yahoo:

@ Yahoo! Video

I'm kicking myself for not being there, if only for a hug.

PDX 2 wks in

2009-03-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks in Portland now. I'm starting to get the feeling that I live here.

*A quick disclaimer
My lack of internet access is a pain in the ass. I don't have the patience to type proper emails or posts on my phone; because of this I can see why twitter is taking off like it is. In order to get online I've got to go out to some sort of cafe/bar, which means that I have to spend some sort of money, which isn't something I'm really in the position to do much these days. I try to keep it to about 2-3x a week. So, if you're all like "WTF is Joe like too good to email me back or what?", just simmer down and don't take it personally, I'll get back to you in due time. Follow my broke ass on Twitter, and I'll do likewise. Or text me! I can text internationally.

A lot of people want to know what I think of Portland, and that's fair enough. I don't want to be quick to judge this city, so I don't usually have too much to say as I'm trying to take into account that my life has been completely turned upside down in a pretty stupid way and at the moment I'm more likely to find a pot of gold up a unicorn's ass than find happiness anywhere in the USA. Also everyone that I'm following on Twitter is in fucking Austin for fucking SXSW. I was pretty close to moving to Austin over Portland, but ultimately thought that Portland would be a better long-term solution because, while SXSW would have been a blast, it would be over soon and at the end of that I'd still be surrounded by pretty young indie girls and boys, and that would make me feel awful about myself. I have a really self-deprecating sense of humor that nobody ever seems to get. Whatever. It's darkly hilarious to me; too bad you're missing out. You try being a working class, boat-sized man in a scene full of lovely, adorable, petite middle-class academics - and you might finally get my sense of humor.

Anyway, yes, Portland. So I never even went to Austin, but I can tell you this - Portland has far shittier weather and the people are a bit older and the economy is more depressing. I can discern from these eccentricities that Portland is more depressing, therefore more accepting in that "eh, whatever" sort of way. So I am feeling passively accepted by Portland, is what I'm trying to say. The people here are on the nicer side of the spectrum, and the city is manageable enough. It's sprawling in a residential sort of way, which is something I'm trying to adapt to, though if the weather is crap (and it usually is) I've got to take my car to get around. The MAX light rail is great for getting into downtown, but the thing is, aside from the little pocket of stuff by Powell's, there's really fuck all to do downtown, and all the action of interest is in the residential South East neighborhoods around Burnside, Hawthorne, and Belmont. I live in the Mississippi district at the moment (sublet is up in 2 weeks, eek!), and it's very cool; I actually have the impression that it's the up and coming neighborhood in Portland and I'd like to stay around here if possible. The best coffee I've ever had in my life is just 2 blocks away, as are a couple of record stores, bars, a recording studio, and a couple of little venues, one of which I'm scoping out for a possible BR home.

After a week of intense job applications/interviews, I finally was offered a job, ironically (thankfully) through a nice person that I met here. I went in to take a drug test on Monday - this was a strange experience. I hadn't taken a drug test for a job in like...5 years or something. And in Portland, they take this sort of thing VERY seriously. I just thought I'd go into the lab and produce a specimen. But it was more like boarding an international flight. I was asked to remove everything from my pockets, to lift up my pant legs, remove my shoes, empty my wallet...all the while I'm sort of laughing at the situation, though was clearly alone in my bemused state. Aside from that I'm waiting for the results of a background check - I have no idea what this entails, and hope that my years in the UK don't delay the process, as I need to start this job asap. A lot of places that I'm applying to are really confused by my UK refs, and refuse to make the international calls. One place actually asked me to contact those refs and have them phone up these Portland temp agencies, which I can only laugh at.

It is the job market here which makes me sort of doubt that Portland will be the long-term solution that I was hoping for, but I'm certainly open to things improving. Portland is affordable and there's loads of cool things to do and discover, so I can see myself spending a year or so here, maybe more, maybe less. It all depends on the job situation and whether or not I can get Bottle Rocket going. Usually the sort to neurotically fret over girls, I've sort of given up on dating for the time being and am more focused on friending so as to keep things less complicated (and more affordable!). Here's to fresh starts...

First impressions of Portland and winning S-K band bingo at Holoscene

2009-03-06T18:40:00.006-08:00

I had a feeling that my first day in Portland was going to be special once I opened up the Portland Mercury (local alt-weekly) to the music section only to be greeted by Corin Tucker's luminous big eyes. Sleater-Kinney are my favourite American band, and their break-up in 2006 killed me just a little bit. So why was their front-woman looking back at me from the page? Solo gig for a fundraiser at Holoscene, a warehouse space that I had heard of during my Portland research. I had no idea that Corin was doing solo work, and needed badly to get into the gig. The article talked of "2 special secret guests" to perform at the gig, so I started buzzing that it would possibly be Carrie Brownstein and Janet Weiss, and that this would be a Sleater-Kinney reunion...oh how I let myself get worked up over such things.

I lived in Glasgow for 2 years and Belle and Sebastian never once played a gig. The closest I got to seeing a B&S show was seeing Stuart sing in church choir at Hyndland. I'm still kind of shocked that I didn't get to see them, but anyway they're a quirky lot and are prone to years of slumber.

Aside from my evening entertainment, I had the obvious task of finding a place to live. I'd still just had all of my stuff in my car at this point, with the self-assurance that Portland is where my road trip ends and my new adventure begins. After chasing up a few craigslist sublet ads, I got a meeting in NE Portland and luckily was able to move in immediately. I'm in a basement studio in a nice neighborhood. It's chilly and smells funny (it is a basement after all), and there's no TV or internet, but it will do for one month, and the girl living upstairs is really nice and helpful.

After moving in I dashed out to Holoscene to catch the gig. I couldn't have asked for a better introduction to Portland indiedom. As I was paying at the door, the singer for The Thermals came in behind me, and once I got to the bar I spotted a couple of members of Spoon. I'm pretty sure that half of the people inside were in bands that I've yet to become familiar with. It was a very cool vibe, almost intimidating as the evening drink of choice seemed to be the always-classy martini. I found the crowd to be older and more academic looking, kind of like Glasgow but more sober. It's been said that Portland is where hipsters go to die. The small youth movement made themselves known via their obnoxious mustaches and hats, which I can only really laugh at, but it was really a small number of boys doing that sort of thing. Portland is a smart scene. When you've got members of Pavement, Sleater-Kinney, Spoon, Death Cab, Gang of Four, The Decemberists, and The Shins in your small city, you know that it's a seriously smart scene. I'm almost intimidated. Portland gives off a vibe of cool self-assurance and contentment, leaving me to wonder if and when to try and leap in with Bottle Rocket, realizing that our Glasgow crowd was relatively young and that these Portlanders would be a really tough sell.

But I digress...

Within an hour I had spotted all of S-K. Carrie was in attendance to introduce some of her ThunderAnt short films that she's made with her "friend Fred" (the brilliant Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live). Janet was sitting down looking kind of bored. The headline performer, Corin was behind the stage pacing by herself, sometimes pausing to look down at her shoes. The crowd didn't seem to be buzzing about a reunion, so I figured that it's totally common for them to just hang out at shows. Again, I thought of Glasgow and how it was perfectly normal to see members of B&S, The Pastels, Camera Obscura, Arab Strap, etc just hanging out at gigs.

Corin started her set at 12:15 and it was the only time all night that the crowd had been at full, breathless attention. Apparently she doesn't play solo gigs much at all, but she's got an album coming out this year so perhaps this is a warm up for a more active agenda? Corin played 2 songs solo, with just her electric guitar. Her vocal style was different from S-K stuff, not nearly as intense or trembling; it was like listening to a completely different artist, save for her distinct guitar style which remains present. It was different but still good, some of my favourite albums of the past few years are by solo ladies and I'll certainly buy Corin's album when the time comes. Anyway, the time comes for Corin to introduce "two friends" and I feel the room stop breathing for a moment. And...the drummer and guitar player from Golden Bears come up on stage. And to be clear, that does not include either Janet or Carrie. So...maybe a little bit awkward...especially since the set up was the same as S-K: 2 guitars and drums, no bass. But they played a few songs, all new Corin tracks. There was only one moment when a song rocked out and Corin opened up and let it rip, and it nearly made my heart stop.

For $10 it was a pretty magic evening. I also should mention that I saw 3 really fantastic Portland bands:

Golden Bears
Tu Fawning
And my new indie crush: Explode Into Colors, who are a 3-piece shouty-disco girl band who sound like Foals but are way cuter and more charismatic. They'll be at SXSW and I'm sure you'll be hearing about them soon.

Here's my lone pic of Corin Tucker (via twitpic, click to enlarge):

Portland Playlist

2009-03-04T08:24:00.003-08:00

Today I'm leaving for what should be my last day on the road. Portland is 8 hours away, and to get me in the spirit, I've made a little mix cd of some of the local bands:

1. The Shins - Caring is Creepy
2. Gang of Four - Damaged Goods
3. The Thermals - Pillar of Salt
4. The Decemberists - On the Bus Mall
5. Viva Voce - We Do Not Fuck Around
6. Menomena - The Late Great Libido
7. The Blow - Hock It (Yacht remix)
8. The Thermals - A Stare Like Yours
9. Death Cab For Cutie - For What Reason
10. M Ward - Rave On (feat. Zoey Deschanel)
11. M Ward - Sadie (Joanna Newsom cover)
12. Elliott Smith - Between the Bars
13. Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks - Freeze the Saints
14. Alela Diane - The Rifle
15. Quasi - Two By Two
16. Modest Mouse - A Different City
17. Yacht - It's Boring/You Can Live Anywhere You Want

I can't wait to get involved with the Portland scene :)

A Brief Summary of the Road

2009-03-03T22:50:00.020-08:00

I'm in Dunnigan, California, at a Best Western just off of the highway. There's a Jack in the Box and Chevron station just nearby, along with another motel; and these four businesses make up this town, about 90 minutes north of San Fransisco and maybe closer to the state capital, Sacramento.

I'm about 8 hours south of Portland; 542 miles to be exact, so without a hitch I should be in my new home city tomorrow evening. I can hardly wait. The past week has been even more exhausting than I could have imagined. I've driven over 3,600 miles (5,800 km), and that is far more than I ever have in such a short period of time.

OH AND HERE'S WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO IN THE PAST WEEK

Wednesday
Waldorf MD to Jackson, TN
821 miles

I was sad to leave my aunt and uncle, they were amazingly kind for letting me stay with them for a month or so, but it was just time to go. This first day my goal was to get to Nashville, but by the time I got to Nashville I still had a bit more juice left and pushed on to Jackson, putting me only an hour from Memphis. The drive through Virginia was mostly dull, the only memorable highlight was passing a chicken truck (like the kind Gonzo used to drive). 821 miles is the longest I've ever done in a single day; a real confidence booster to know that I could handle that amount of driving (about 14 hours) in a day.

Thursday
Jackson, TN to Oklahoma City, OK
560 miles

I helped myself to a free breakfast at the Days Inn, which was a country-style biscuit (for my UK readers: not a cookie! more like a plain butter scone) with gravy...mmmmmm....
Memphis! Graceland! I was really shocked at how small Graceland was. I mean, it's still a hell of a place, and Elvis knew how to utilize space like it was nobody's business. Also, it's on a pretty normal looking road, full of car dealerships and strip malls, a completely bland and kind of ugly area to be frank. But Graceland was amazing. Fun fact: Elvis bought Graceland mansion for $100,000 when he was 23.

I was impressed with his style - the family rooms were elegant and well appointed (Elvis liked to take care of his relatives, particularly his parents), and the casual areas were chic and innovative.

Elvis's trademark lightning bolt and "TCB" (Taking Care of Business) logo were tastefully applied to most of his treasured items, including his headstone. The Presley family graves are out back and, like everything at Graceland, is tasteful and meticulously cared for.

I recommend anyone with an interest in pop culture iconography visit Graceland, it surely is unlike anyplace I've ever been. I've got about 60 pics up on my facebook page, so friends are invited to visit.

After I said farewell to The King, I left Memphis and immediately crossed the Mississippi River, a moment that I hadn't even considered. It was one of those moments that reminded me of the monumental journey that I was undertaking. And also the fact that I was entering Arkansas. I stopped in Little Rock to visit the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library, kind of appropriate after visiting Graceland, as this was also a great monument to a legend of his kind. The building looked like a gigantic double-wide trailer from the future, and was apparently built with recycled cans (a jolly guard joked that you could see Bud Light labels on the roof). I got to the library just an hour before closing, so had to kind of breeze through it all, not really absorbing much. It talked about the 90s so much that I started thinking of my teenage years and how politically aware I was when I was young, abnormally so. I remember always being the only one who wanted to answer every single question in Social Studies class in 9th grade; so much so that it would earn me gruff from some of my peers after class.

The Oval Office room was absolutely stunning. I couldn't help but think of The West Wing, and also that other thing that happened. The impeachment isn't completely ignored, it is given a mention in a large timeline bit, but is not really dwelled upon. I suppose if Newt Gingrich were to build a museum, he'd have an entire wing devoted to the Clinton impeachment, complete with animatronic interns.

I hit the road after Little Rock and went as far as Oklahoma City (oddly my second time there, it's a long story), where I slept off the busy day.

Friday
Oklahoma City, OK to Albuquerque, NM
550 miles

I really dislike Oklahoma. It's a dull wasteland, and the people aren't nearly as warm as other heartland folk. I was happy to say goodbye and hit the Texas panhandle. It was in Texas that the desert appeared to take shape.

I had never really seen the desert in person before, and it was quite the experience. Over the next couple of days I got into some hardcore desert terrain, so Texas was really only the beginning. I pulled into a big welcome center with a view of a small canyon, so I got out and wandered around for a bit, walking into the scorched earth for a bit and even seeing a small roadrunner! Texas is where I started flirting with the famous Route 66. The road runs along I-40, which is paved and wide and you can drive about 75 miles per hour most times. Route 66...not so much with the speed. It's a bit of a roller coaster, and is terribly maintained, so I didn't spend too much time on there because it was a bit of an inconvenience and I didn't want to waste too much time as I was eager to get to Albuquerque.

But there was one thing that distracted me - the largest cross in the western hemisphere. I mean...come on...how can you not be sucked into this roadside attraction.

By the time I had reached New Mexico, I had been in the desert for a few hours, and my body was beginning to change in a very strange and uncomfortable way. I didn't realize it, but the deeper into the badlands I went, the higher the elevation, sometimes touching 7,000 feet. I'm not used to being that high and dry. My contacts started freaking out, which, compounded with the fact that I was driving straight into the sun on the horizon, caused all sorts of visual problems for me, so I had to pull over a bunch of times which pushed me back a bit. My muscles started to ache, my ears were popping, and I got dizzy spells. I now know why the desert is portrayed as the land of the devil.

I reached Albuquerque a bit after nightfall, and was the happiest man in New Mexico to be greeted by my good buddy James, who I've written about previously on this site. It was the first hug I'd had in 2,000 miles and it felt great. James was a fantastic host, and took me out for the most incredible veggie burger I'd ever had in my life. The food in Albuquerque was amazing. We stayed up late, drank beer and caught up. It felt great to be with a friend in the middle of this incredibly lonely journey of mine.

Saturday
Albuquerque, NM

Saturday we sat around and watched about 7 hours of The Office and had lolz. Bliss.

Sunday
Albuquerque, NM to Magdalena, NM
210 miles (return journey)

James and I went deep into the desert.

We shot stuff.

With guns.

This desert town was like a timecapsule.

Monday
Albuquerque, NM to Barstow, CA (including the Grand Canyon)
800 miles

After an unsuccessful search for a kitten for James, it was time to say goodbye and continue onward. I hauled ass across the desert, and into even more desert in Arizona, the most Jurassic of all the states.

I elected to go 3 hours out of my way to see the Grand Canyon. I reckon it was worth it, though I got there as the sun was going down and it was too cloudy to get a brilliant sunset. But the Grand Canyon...it's just overwhelming. I couldn't really grasp it; even standing on the edge of it the canyon looked like a painting.

After the canyon visit I dashed across the desert, and around 9pm finally hit California. The first time I saw a mile post for Los Angeles my heart skipped a beat. Like most people who live on the coast, I always longed to visit the opposite coast, and being a film student, California had a greater meaning to me. Entering California injected me with a shot of adrenaline to push me across the Mojave desert in the pitch black night and settle down in Barstow, a place famous for being in the opening bit of Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas": We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive..." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"

Officially bi-coastal

2009-03-03T00:04:00.005-08:00

Is it possible to get jet-lag by driving? Every day that I've been on the road (aside from this past weekend in Albuquerque), I've cleared a time zone. A few hours ago I reached California for the first time in my life, and am tonight sleeping in the Pacific time zone, which I suppose is something I should get used to. It's the fourth time zone that I've been in over the past six days.

I drove for 14 hours today, clearing 900 miles, New Mexico and Arizona. Saw the Grand Canyon. Had my body further fucked up by the altitude (was over 8000 feet at one point), and am experiencing an unusual case of both physical and mental fatigue.

But I'm nearly there. I'm only 6 1/2 hours from Big Sur, and just a little bit up the road from there is San Fransisco, and after that it's 10 or so hours to Portland.

My goal tomorrow is to see the sun set on the Pacific Ocean.

More tomorrow, I deserve a good sleep.

Jx

Preview of an imminent post

2009-03-02T07:21:00.003-08:00

Don't have time just now, but coming soon are posts about: Graceland, Albuquerque, wandering through the desert, and my experience with firearms. And possibly something about a kitten.

Am leaving Albuquerque today after a fantastic weekend with James. Next stop the Grand Fucking Canyon.

Gonnae fall doon

2009-02-26T20:50:00.003-08:00

SOOOOOO exhausted. Am in Oklahoma City, hahaha...this was the first place I ever flew to, about 10 years ago. Long story, but funny, so ask to hear it sometime.

Went to Graceland today, took lots of pics on my iPhone, which I will get online at some point just not now because I'm far too out of it. Also went to the Clinton Library in Little Rock, which was a really cool building built from recycled beer cans or something like that. My brain in too fried to contribute thoughts. It hurts. I've driven halfway across the country in the past two days.

Driving across Oklahoma at night is a draining and terrifying experience. It is the most desolate, flat, and depressing land that I've ever been to, anyplace on earth. At night I drive straight into the dark, with no lights on the horizon, no signs of life anywhere - I feel like I'm about to drive off the edge of the planet.

Only 8 hours to Albuquerque! I'm psyched to spend the weekend with James and see what he's doing with himself out in the desert. Oh, and the desert! I've never been to the desert!

Shutting brain off now.

Jx

I'm going to Graceland. In Memphis Tennessee.

2009-02-26T07:03:00.002-08:00

I managed to fling myself over 800 miles into the heartland yesteday. 14 1/2 hours of driving led me to Jackson, TN, about an hour outside of Memphis. I'm up and out the door, heading to Graceland!

Goodbye DC, hello US Interstate

2009-02-24T19:50:00.003-08:00

I'm done with DC. I guess that was easy to figure out. No job luck, and I'm not in love with it enough to stick it out.

I'm hitting the road tomorrow (Wed) morning, just after rush hour. I'm gunning for Portland.

To avoid the shite weather around the northern route, I'm taking the southern route, I-81 & I-40. This will take me through Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oaklahoma, bit of Texas and ultimately to Albuquerque, where I will meet up with a great friend of mine that I haven't seen since Bottle Rocket October. I can't wait.

By tomorrow night I hope to at least be around Nashville. By the end of Thursday I hope to have seen Graceland.

I'll be tweeting from the road, in case you'd like to keep up. I'll blog when I've got a chance.

Bye.

Jx

Best Actor speeches - Penn and Rourke

2009-02-23T13:56:00.005-08:00

A lot of people seem to be kind of upset about the Best Actor Oscar last night. I can see why the Academy voted the way they did - please see my Oscar Eve post below - and was not totally shocked. Penn is an elite actor, in a very small class alongside Daniel Day-Lewis, and his role as Harvey Milk is the kind of thing Oscar just laps up. It was an astonishing feat, as was Rourke's, and it is too bad that there could only be one winner.

Best Actor Oscar to Sean Penn, who delivered a touching, self-effacing speech:

Mickey Rourke's performance was given the top award at Saturday night's Independent Spirit Awards, and here is his (now notorious) acceptance speech:

Liveblogging the Oscars

2009-02-22T17:47:00.002-08:00

Follow the liveblog on Twitter!

On Oscar Eve

2009-02-21T21:59:00.001-08:00

Hey, I've got a master's in film. I should weigh in on this Oscar thing. Let's break it down and look at the recent history of Academy voting habits.

Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams (Doubt)
Penelope Cruz (Vicky Christina Barcelona)
Viola Davis (Doubt)
Taraji P. Henson (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler)

Past 5 winners:
2007 - Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton)
2006 - Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)
2005 - Rachel Weisz (The Constant Gardener)
2004 - Cate Blanchett (The Aviator)
2003 - Renee Zellweger (Cold Mountain)

Legend has it that when Marisa Tomei won for 1992's My Cousin Vinny, it was a mistake on the part of the presenter. Even if it wasn't, her win - over Judy Davis's legendary performance in Husbands and Wives - was one of the great flukes of Oscar history. She's at her best here in The Wrestler as an ageing stripper, though faces still competition from Penelope Cruz, who delivered a firestorming (yet brief) performance in Woody Allen's Vicky Christina Barcelona. Allen has directed more women to Oscars than any other director in history, but will Tomei repeat history and defeat another explosive Woody-directed performance? Recent Oscar history shows all first-time winners, and aside from the fluke of Hudson, all were highly regarded actresses in their prime, pushing favor toward Cruz. Amy Adams is a legitimate star who has yet to peak, but her performance in Doubt lacked skilled direction. Davis and Henson were strong, but had very limited screen time.

Best Supporting Actor
Josh Brolin (Milk)
Robert Downey Jr (Tropic Thunder)
Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)
Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)
Michael Shannon (Revolutionary Road)

Past 5 winners:
2007 - Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men)
2006 - Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine)
2005 - George Clooney (Syriana)
2004 - Morgan Freeman (Million Dollar Baby)
2003 - Tim Robbins (Mystic River)

Following Javier Bardem's absolutely terrifying role in No Country will likely be this year's great villain, of course played by Heath Ledger. Usually they'd give an Oscar to someone who might die soon (Arkin, Freeman), but in this case it would be just the second posthumous acting Oscar awarded, after Peter Finch's iconic performance as Howard "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore" Beale in Network in 1976.

Best Actress
Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married)
Angelina Jolie (Changeling)
Melissa Leo (Frozen River)
Meryl Streep (Doubt)
Kate Winslet (The Reader)

Past 5 winners
2007 - Marion Cotillard (La Vie en Rose)
2006 - Helen Mirren (The Queen)
2005 - Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line)
2004 - Hilary Swank (Million Dollar Baby)
2003 - Charlize Theron (Monster)

Wow, just looking at that list of past 5 winners, I've got to wonder if the Academy is confused that there are no biopic nominees this year. This is, in my opinion, the tightest race of the big categories. All of these performances are Oscar worthy, though Winslet surely is due. Hell, I've seen Kate Winslet nude more than anyone else in the past 3 years. She ticks off every box of a great tortured Oscar performance: illiterate pedophile Nazi who spends half of her scenes in the nude, and the other half in old lady makeup. Anne Hathaway is perhaps the primary competition; her performance in Rachel Getting Married was a stormer and the biggest revelation of the group.

Best Actor
Richard Jenkins (The Visitor)
Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon)
Sean Penn (Milk)
Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)

Past 5 winners
2007 - Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)
2006 - Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)
2005 - Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote)
2004 - Jamie Foxx (Ray)
2003 - Sean Penn (Mystic River)

Nobody was drinking your milkshake in 2008, but Mickey Rourke unleashed an incredible performance that would stand proudly after Daniel Day-Lewis in Oscar history. Thing is, Rourke will never be that good again, and seeing him on stage in a ridiculous outfit clutching Oscar with his meat hooks while thanking his dogs would be an odd and likely uncomfortable moment for the establishment. And while Rourke basically played a role that was written for and loosely about himself, Sean Penn, one of our greatest actors, gave an incredible transformative performance as Harvey Milk. Oscar loves Penn and loves huge biopic roles. I'm really intrigued by this category because both performances exemplify the two types of roles that Oscar loves - the gritty underdog and the provocative historical figure.

Best Director/Best Picture
Danny Boyle/Slumdog Millionaire
Stephen Daldry/The Reader
David Fincher/The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard/Frost/Nixon)
Gus Van Sant/Milk

Past 5 winners
2007 - Joel and Ethan Cohen/No Country for Old Men
2006 - Martin Scorsese/The Departed)
2005 - Ang Lee (Brokeback Mountain) - *Crash won for Best Picture*
2004 - Clint Eastwood/Million Dollar Baby
2003 - Peter Jackson/The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

The Best Picture crop this year is relatively weak. First off, there's no token quirky indie pic (Juno, Little Miss Sunshine, Sideways, Lost in Translation) to immediately write off. A controversial nominee, The Reader has proved to be one of the more hated nominees in recent memory. Frost/Nixon and Milk are relevant historical films that are acting award fodder, and contemporary history doesn't fare well in this category. That leaves Slumdog and Button. Danny Boyle's film is easily the better film, though would be one of the most un-traditional winners in this category (Crash and Shakespeare in Love come to mind). Benjamin Button, a big-budget "Gump with CGI" type of picture that explores ageing, romance, and America sounds like a safe bet for Oscar...but was it really that good? It's a slow moving money pit that has divided critics around the world, while the successful Slumdog has taken the lion's share of awards this season. I'm almost skeptical that Button's nomination was a concerted effort to milk some free publicity for a film that has lost Warner Bros millions. 13 nominations is an awful lot for such a gigantic financial flop. But it's the Oscar that history remembers, and if Slumdog fails to win the top prize, it will just be regarded as a sleeper hit and forgotten by next year.

A British/Indian production winning Best Picture is really hard to imagine, though I suppose this past year has brought us the first black US President, so maybe the Academy is up for riding the wave of change.

The best film of 2008 - Wall-E - was snubbed, though will take home its "Best Animated Feature" Oscar as well as perhaps an Original Screenplay award.

I'll post my reactions after the show.

Return to The South

2009-02-19T11:26:00.002-08:00

A friend of mine from London came to visit me last week, and I just saw her off last night. It was a fun filled week of adventure - instead of taking her to obvious places like NYC, I took her down south, as well as checking out a bit of DC.

After one gloriously sunny day at the National Zoo (pandas!hippos!monkeys!) and the Museum of American Art (scary folk art!), we hit the road, with the final destination of Savannah, Georgia. To break up the 12 hour drive a bit, we stopped off for nightlife in Myrtle Beach, where my sister has new digs a block from the beach. Her stilted house was dubbed "The Crab Shack", as per the signs on the front lawn and porch. Myrtle Beach is hilarious.

What was even more hilarious was having someone from London mingling with a bunch of southerners. Sister took us out to a few bars and we chatted with her large social circle, which almost exclusively consists of local restaurant/bar staff, the kind of people who know the area and culture with a keener sense of intimacy by virtue of their profession.

Now, I've held a fairly open mind about the south. The people have been friendly and nobody has actually assaulted me due to my MoveOn.org bumper sticker yet. I'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut or at least being tactful when conversations get into tricky and possibly confrontational territory. There was one young man, a 21-year-old friend of my sister's, who said some things that made me feel a mix of amusement and fear for humanity. The kid was really interested in my friend, and seemingly sincerely interested in hearing about England. So he says to my friend "What are black people like in England?" Uh...yeah...so I just loose the straight face; start laughing my ass off because he's not even kidding and I don't even know what else to do. At another point in the night, when I asked him about a recent party he had been to, he started to tell me a story, quite proudly, about how he had tried to sodomize an unconscious woman. He wasn't kidding, and he actually told me with a tone of voice that begged sympathy for the situation, as if this was just a funny thing that all guys did. I started to think about boys in high school, and my stepfather, and other people in my life who have pushed me so far away from masculinity to the point that I'm actually ashamed to be a man. I responded to his story by changing the topic, moving on to something of greater interest to me - "so, what's it like to be a father?" I asked him. I had heard that he recently had a child with one of the waitresses at my sister's restaurant, the girl that had served me my dinner a few hours before. The boy's mood changed a bit, and he said "It's pretty awesome actually...let me see if I can find a picture". As he rummaged through his phone and wallet, someone else gave him a handful of recent photos of his child which he hadn't seen before.

For Valentine's Day, I took my friend to Savannah. Before I moved to the US my friend and I had something of a whirlwind romance, it was really fun and, like all relationships, helped me learn more about myself. So a romantic Valentine's Day was not an inappropriate gesture. We drove through the driving rain into Georgia, and by the evening we were settled into our room. The rain had ceased, leaving Savannah cool and misty. We hadn't really seen the city with the lights on, so our first impressions were overly cinematic - gorgeous brick period buildings shadowed by weeping willows and webbed with Spanish moss surrounding the city's many leafy squares, with a hint of vaguely sultry mist hanging in the air.

After a few hours of wandering through this truly gorgeous city, we fancied a bite to eat. 9pm on Valentine's Day...a Saturday as well...in the most beautiful city in America...no dinner reservations...and you are starved. It seems like a daunting challenge, but we got lucky. After checking out a few fully booked places, we came back around to Lady and Sons, one of the top rated restaurants in the south. They are known for their southern food, and owned by a famous chef named Paula Deen (this last bit we did not know at the time). Regardless of the "sorry we are fully booked for supper" sign at the door, I asked about getting a table, and was greeted with a smile and given a card to bring around to another entrance in order to be seated. We got lucky and scored a table. I don't know why...but I reckon it was because my friend was wearing magic green shoes. It was buffet style, and I went a bit overboard. Lasagna, collard greens, sweet yams, green beans and carrots, macaroni & cheese, beef stew, dirty mashed potatoes...washed down with a nice cold beer...I hadn't eaten so big in four years, no joke.

Savannah continued to impress us. The downtown area is strictly protected by the preservation society, and is a US landmark; sort of like an urban National Park. I felt at times that I could have been in a great European city, and was really astonished that someplace in America could look so glorious. And this was in poor weather, no sunshine, and no flowers in full bloom. I reckon I'll return sometime in spring to be further impressed. The people were smart, kind, and polite. There's a huge art school community there, giving the city an unexpected edge and creative energy.

The trip was a re-energizer for me, coming at just the right time as I have been unsuccessful in getting anything off the ground in DC. My American wanderlust has been re-ignited, and I think I may be ready to take another step forward in my quest for place.

One month in

2009-02-10T19:10:00.006-08:00

It was one month ago today that I had to leave the UK.

I nearly froze to death witnessing history.
I've written about this before, so nothing new to report, only that when I mention that I went to the inauguration to anyone who actually lives in DC, they kind of laugh at me as if I were a NYC tourist who hasn't left Times Square. Cynical folks in this town, but people are still optimistic about the Obama presidency. I loved watching Barry O rock the town hall meeting today, though was momentarily afraid that last dude that asked a question may have been wearing an explosive belt.

I've driven over 2,000 miles total.
Up and down New York state, all through New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, DC, Virginia, North Carolina, and South Carolina. I've spent far too much sitting on my ass behind the wheel of a car in the past month. The weather is getting a bit better, so now I can drive with the windows down, which is great because now everyone on the road can hear me singing along to my Bottle Rocket mix cds, certain to cheer up any American motorist.

I've re-gained contact with two of my oldest friends.
This had been the most interesting part of my brief time in New York. My closest and oldest friend and my first love...two people from a lifetime ago. I'm thrilled that we are back in touch as adults. I could write a book about these relationships but won't. It's a shame that I can't see them much at all, but it's a good feeling to know that there are two endlessly interesting people in my life that I can trust.

I've moved in with my relatives in southern Maryland
This is temporary, but I'm living here now, and have been for a few weeks while I try my hand at the DC job market. My aunt and uncle have been very accommodating, and I'm enjoying being with a relatively stable family for once. There's a crazy ass dog here, a Jack Russell terrier who bites at my Pac-Man slippers and tries to steal my cookies. It was a bit rough going at first, but after taking him out for a few walks, I think we've become buddies. He still wants my cookies though.

I saw my sister for the first time in four years
She's great, really, even though we have nothing in common. I admire her work ethic and familial loyalty. And she's a hell of a drinker. I'm going to see her again in a few days for karaoke night in Myrtle Beach.

I finally figured out how to play with the iTunes genius thingy
Has anyone else played with this little gadget? It took about 2 hours to analyze my library, but anyway, once you get it going it's kind of interesting. The deal is - you pick any song at random and click on the genius icon, and it will give you a 25-song playlist of songs that it believes will sound good with that song. It's fairly impressive. For example, I let 'er rip on Orange Juice's "Blue Boy", and it gave me a list including Josef K, Edwyn Collins, Sons and Daughters, The Fire Engines, The Fall, Dexys, The Raincoats, The Associates, Silver Jews, Stephen Malkmus, The Shangri-Las, and so on. I'm scared, it's doing in seconds something that usually takes me hours. Yet another way to make me obsolete.

I've seen just about every Oscar film
It was a bit of a binge - Benjamin Button, The Wrestler, Slumdog Millionaire, Frost/Nixon, Milk, and Revolutionary Road, all pretty much within the first two weeks of being here. I've even seen Waltz With Bashir a second time, and it was even better than the first. Still have yet to see anything that tops Wall-E. I've still got to see Doubt and Rachel Getting Married, after which I'll write up my annual Oscar bit.

I've seen giant pandas
Nothing, I tell you nothing, can prepare you for the cuteness orgasam that is giant pandas.

I've seen more of DC than anyone I am living with
This revelation came up at dinner this evening. I kind of had this feeling after my aunt thought she would take me to Georgetown "because that's where the college kids hang out", and though I appreciated her effort to impress me with the yuppies, I realized that I had to take charge of my DC experience. I've been fortunate enough to meet a few people online who have pointed out some of the more suitable neighborhoods to me. Though Georgetown and Alexandria are undeniably lovely, they are far too rich for me, and though I know it's just wrong to say this, being around happy rich kids makes me feel awful. My life will never look like a fucking Gap advert, that's just something I've come to terms with. Now, I'm not saying I want the thug life or anything - and there is plenty of that shit in DC as well - but I did find some neighborhoods that appealed a bit more to me, those being Addams Morgan/U Street and Columbia Heights. I also really liked the Dupont Circle area, but it seemed more like the kind of place I'd go for dinner instead of live in. I'm not in love with these neighborhoods, but spending some time around these places has made me feel more comfortable with the idea of living in DC, something that I was lacking for a while.

I've been to just ONE gig - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart @ The Black Cat
This was last night. I liked The Black Cat as a venue - though I've only seen the "backstage" venue (it's a split level club like ABC in Glasgow, but way grimier). The room wasn't anything special - dark, high-ceilings, kind of reminded me of a less-goth version of the Cathouse, with a bar in the adjacent room. $10 entry for the gig, and about $5 for a pint. But the people...not really doing it for me (I'm just bitter because I stood alone at the back and didn't speak to anyone all night). Pains had just had a glowing review from Pitchfork a few days earlier, so the gig ended up being pretty full of curious hipsters. Like most indie gigs, it was about 80% men in the crowd, and nobody sung along or danced. It was a tough crowd, but the band spent little to no time between songs and whipped through their set in about 25 minutes. I wasn't really feeling a great vibe there. The Black Cat is one of about 3 places in town to see gigs; the others being the 9:30 Club (bigger) and DC9 (smaller?).

Oh, and Pains were ace. Their new album is terrific, and likely to be on a bunch of year-end lists.

I've finally become obsessed with TV shows - 30 Rock and The Office (US)
I never really cared about television shows. This could be due to many factors, none of which I wish to speculate about here. Maybe it's because I'm unemployed now, but I've really fallen in love with these two shows. I'm about to start season 3 of 30 Rock...and like most boys of my ilk, I am in love with Tina Fey. I'm only halfway through season 2 of The Office, but I refuse to spill my guts about how the relationship between Jim and Pam makes me feel...well...not here, not now.

Favorite random lyric of the moment is from this really short Why? track called Twenty Eight and it is this - "Tell me are you single yet my heart's as big as Texas".

yeah...

In summation

I have yet to embrace this. I still miss the UK a hell of a lot. I miss the musical rhythm in which some of my friends speak. American accents are so flat, maybe that's why I speak with my hands so much, in hopes of making talk more exciting? I miss being interesting, being the American is way cooler in Europe than it is in America. I miss walking everywhere. I even kind of miss the rain a little bit. I miss my friends so much it hurts...this sounds horribly corny. I received an invitation to a wedding in Scotland the other day and it made me feel...damn...choked up a bit.

I'm not all that interested in DC. Sure, if one of these dozens of jobs somehow comes through, I'll give it a go, but I'm not holding my breath. It's a tough city full of brilliant people with lots of money and power. I mean, you can say that about most cities, but this is DC, arguably the most powerful city on the planet. I'm not really cut out for this place. I need to be around people who are slightly damaged, not beautiful yuppies who want to take over the world. That's why Glasgow felt so right to me; even the famous people in Glasgow are kind of melancholy and quirky. There's a humility in the UK that is lacking here.

Tomorrow a friend of mine is coming over from London. We're going to spend a few days in DC seeing some sights before heading down to Savannah, Georgia, for the weekend. A good friend of mine who used to live there claims that Savannah may be the most beautiful city in the USA. I'm looking forward to it. We're also going to spend a night in Myrtle Beach with my sister getting terribly drunk and likely embarrassing ourselves with karaoke.

Tune in next week for more stories.

Jx

Because writing a post is way more appealing than another cover letter

2009-01-30T13:37:00.005-08:00

I've been saying in Maryland for about a week now. It's been freezing. The job market is frustrating and I'm in a really perilous financial situation.

I went into DC the other day, and finally got up to the National Zoo, which was something high on my list for some time. The recent ice storm has left the zoo a bit crippled, as none of the animals were outside, but at least there were PANDAS, HIPPOS, and MONKEYS, all of which were awesome.

I will discuss the pandas. There were three. And you have no idea just how adorable they are, but you can have a look at the pandacam to get some idea. I had never seen pandas before, so this was kind of a big deal to me, as I am a known fan of cuteness. After following the "Asia trail" and not seeing any pandas, I finally made it inside the panda house, since the pandas apparently were not into hanging out on the icy rocks and frozen ponds of their designated outdoor environment. And I soon realized why - these miracles of adorableness enjoy the good life. They have no patience for anything other than comfort, food, and fun. They each had their own individual panda offices, consisting of rocks and bamboo branches, which they would bunch up together, place within arms length, and proceed to munch on. And these pandas knew how to eat, hot damn, I had no idea how quick they were, snapping up bamboo with their comically efficient mitts and munching the vegetation to oblivion, and than tossing aside the remnants and moving on to the next dish, much like a fat man plowing through a bucket of buffalo wings during the Super Bowl. It was awesome.

Aside from the incredible panda experience, DC has been a let down this week. To be fair, I've not spent much time there, and it's been too cold to just wander around as I would normally do. I really long for my life in the UK; I still can't believe that it's gone and I'm stuck in the USA, just when things were going so well with Bottle Rocket and work. I'm going to keep pounding away at these job applications, though I feel like I die a little after each cover letter. I don't know...I'm not sure that I'm really cut out for such a harshly competitive environment (I've changed a lot in the past few years); I was happy with the more relaxed pace in the UK. I'll give DC a few more weeks, and if nothing changes, I'll take the show out west, or wherever works.

The thing is - in the UK when you apply for a job, you get a response. Even if it's a "thanks, but sorry", that's still some acknowledgment. In the US, when you apply for a job, your application goes into a black hole. There's no acknowledgment letter, and so many hiring departments are outsourced so you can't contact the company to see if they've got your application. So it's all a bit dire.

Trying to stay positive...

Mile 1042 - Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

2009-01-26T18:58:00.005-08:00

So, my long awaited plunge into the south. I hadn't really spent any time in the proper south (Orlando doesn't really count), though my sister has lived there for a number of years now, along with about 10% of my high school class. I didn't have much of an agenda - basically I wanted to see my sister, since it must have been about 4 years since we were in each others company, and I've been really interested in revisiting my past since I got back to the US.

The drive from Maryland took about eight hours or so, and touched four states, totally clearing Virginia and North Carolina. Virginia was horribly annoying, what with all of the highway patrol cars on the road - I counted around eight on I-95 alone, and was very close to getting pulled over at one point. I had to take it easy, so I set the cruise control at the state speed limit of 65 and put on my headphones to listen catch up on podcasts (my car speakers were a bit fucked). The ride was slow and uninteresting; I found myself cursing Virginia a bit and actually got excited to finally be greeted by North Carolina, with it's speed limits of 70. Everyone seemed to drive about 95 mph, and apparently they can't afford cops in North Carolina, so no worries about getting pulled over. It was some of the most fun I've ever had driving before.

So anyway, I finally arrived in North Myrtle Beach, at my sister's restaurant, which is a sports bar in a strip mall. It's very...American? How do I explain for my UK readers...well first of all there are big screen TVs covering all of the wall space. Far too many TV's, I felt like I was in the ESPN playout control suite. I didn't even know where to look. It's just an overload of sports broadcasting. And there's classic rock music playing in the background. There are a few arcade games I recognized one for bowling and another called "Big Game Buck Hunter" (or something like that) - which was where you shoot deer and moose and other large animals, you know, as opposed to zombies or aliens or whatever. Smoking is allowed, which surprised me. Anyway, it's all very "American guy". The menu concurs with the setting - big heart-attack burgers and tex-mex dishes, and of course wings, which are a staple of any sports bar. The food was actually really tasty in a guilty sort of way. Totally out of my element and clearly having culture shock, I embraced the situation. I'm in the south, visiting someone very important to me, and I'm going to have a good time. And so I did. I ate food that has probably carved 3 years off of my life, and drank more than I ever have on US soil.

I don't really remember how many bars we went to that night. We started at her restaurant, and then went to an affiliated establishment on the other side of town (closer to her home), where we met up with a bunch of sister's colleagues. I was happy to see that they had Newcastle on tap (I've found that Newcastle is readily available in most places here), so had a few tall pints. Some of the girls we met struck me with a common physical feature...at one point I looked around the table and all of these women seemed to have small, pointy, slightly upturned noses. I also noticed that most of the men around me were wildly unattractive, though this did not stop them from flirting with the ladies. Not uncommon to most places, really. But the misogyny was rampant; Myrtle Beach is teeming with strip clubs, and so much of the advertising includes images of scantily clad skinny women. It was a bit over the top, and turned my stomach a few times during the trip.

The people were all very friendly, though I started to suspect the levels of sincerity. My sister described some of the southern women as "different kinds of bitches" from their counterparts up north. Her observations were that women from New York were outwardly cranky, so there was no confusion to everyone around them that they were in a foul mood, but southern women always wore a smile to mask their "bitchiness". I don't really know what to attribute this to, but it makes me think twice about "southern hospitality". Either way, people were nice to me, and I like that, at least as a tourist. I'm sure it might grate on my nerves if I had to live with the facade on a daily basis. And I'd be downright traumatized to overhear these ladies talking smack about me moments after serving me with a smile. It makes me a bit of a neurotic customer. I made sure to smile back, be polite and engage in small talk with the ladies, and leave a reasonably nice tip.

We ate breakfast at Waffle House. This was a highlight. I had heard of Waffle House before from bands who had toured the south; always in a positive light. Being a big fan of American-style breakfast, I scoured the menu and settled on a blueberry waffle with warm maple syrup, with a side of hash browns, served in a style called "smothered & covered", which included onions and cheese. Along with some OJ and free refills of coffee, I was in breakfast heaven.

The weather was pretty awful, aside from Friday, which was sunny and 65, so we went to the beach. I must admit, it was the most beautiful that I have ever seen the Atlantic from the ground. My sister told me stories about her near shark experience, which properly freaked me out. The next day we went to the aquarium, which was pretty awesome since I'm kind of afraid of fish, so I got to face my irrational fears. I realized that piranhas really are fucking scary, since they just float in place and wait to kill. And sharks really are Godless Killing Machines. They're pure evil. I've seen it in their eyes. They keep moving and never bother to stop for a friendly chat. It's distressing. But puffer fish are totally cute and adorable, and stingrays seem really cool, and we shouldn't let a few crazy homicidal stingrays ruin the good stingray name.

Myrtle Beach isn't the place to go if one seeks a wholly southern experience. It's a tourist town full of uninteresting big box stores, the kind of stuff that you see off of most highway exits in America. Every chain that you can think of has a franchise in MB, and there's really no cozy local hangout with history and character. It's like a giant outdoor shopping mall with a beach. And that works for a hell of a lot of people; though it's not my style. It was great to see my sister; she's really amazing at what she does and people love and respect her. I'll go back down sometime when we can just laze on the beach and not worry about anything.

I'm back in Maryland. I ran out of money so will have to postpone the rest of the road trip for a while. I'm going to try to get a respectable job in DC. Not really sure what the future holds, but in the meantime it's going to be a lot of cover letters.

Here is the post about the inauguration of President Obama

2009-01-21T12:00:00.015-08:00

Woke up, er, got out of bed at 4:25ish. Don't really recall how much I slept as I was quite excited about the upcoming event. Since I was going down with my Aunt, who I don't know all that well but know that she has the tendency to get a bit anxious, I put a bit more pressure on myself to make sure that she remained comfortable in what was surely something that she had never experienced before. She's also a Republican who voted for Bush, though isn't really crazy about it and is open minded and embracing the Obama administration. We got on the road around 5am, it was still pitch black and the cold was well below freezing. We're out in a rural part of Maryland, about 25 miles SW of DC, so the plan was to drive to the last stop - Branch Ave - of the Green Line of the DC Metro. Luckily we heard on the radio that the parking lot at Branch Ave was full, so we proceeded onto another stop that she was familiar with. There was no driving into the city - all routes into DC were closed aside from special permit holders and emergency vehicles. The only way in was to take the Metro. Oh, and there were only 2 metro stops open that were near The Mall (the big grassy center of DC where everyone gathers for such events). One of them was L'Enfant Plaza, the other one was Chinatown, which was on the other side of the parade route, which could not be crossed. So basically if you wanted to see the parade, which started at 2:30, you got off at Chinatown and missed the inauguration. If you wanted to see the inauguration, you got off at L'Enfant Plaza. Here's the scene inside of the metro station. It took us about 90 minutes to get out onto the street after stepping off of our metro carriage.

And out onto the street, with everyone ushered up 12th street onto The Mall:

Once we arrived onto the mall (another hour or so of walking through this flood of people), it was around 7:30, and luckily we somehow managed to cut ourselves a path around the flow and end up in a relatively quiet part of the mall to watch the sun rise. It was a bit cloudy, but here's my view of the Capitol at that point:

Funnily enough, I gravitated toward the press area, which was full of roving reporters out chatting with the frozen masses.
ABC News:

BBC team:

MSNBC studio w/Keith Olbermann:

some other reporter dudes:

CBS News guy (I think his name was Ron) who was in my face most of the time:

But it was all about the big time. After freezing for hours out on the tundra/Mall, the show started. We watched on the jumbo-trons as the surviving Veeps and Presidents proceeded through the halls of The Capitol and onto the stage. President Carter got a nice applause, Bush 41 didn't register at all. Bill and Hillary came out to a rocking reception from the crowd, most of whom expressed more love for Hillary than for President Clinton. Then...oh man...Dick Cheney got rolled out in a wheelchair. People laughed and booed. It was so strange. He looked like Dr. Strangelove or something. Very bizarre. But the crowd really ripped into the outgoing President Bush...saying very immature things. I don't think this registered on the teevee, but out on The Mall it was ugly. I just kept my mouth shut, I'm not a fan of Bush 43 but didn't feel the need to voice it. Not during this day at least. Anyway, you can imagine how the crowd erupted for Barack Obama. I've never been to a big Obama event (tho I've made up for it now), so I wasn't really ready for the magnitude of excitement that people have for him. It's all "OH-BA-MA" chants and "YES WE CAN", which sounds a bit silly now, or the even sillier sounding "YES WE DID". So there was all that, and flag waving. Here's pictures:

I didn't want to take pics during the prayer, swearing in, or the speech, but here's the moment after the swearing in. I tried to get it on the jumbo-tron but it looks like I just missed it.

I have about 20 more pics just like this so it's all a bit boring because we were so far from the podium so they all look about the same (they're on my facebook page).

On the ground, things were pleasant. It was like a festival atmosphere, folks were smiling and randomly talking to each other. A few people tried to engage me in divisive political discussions, but I wasn't in the mood. Most folks were just really cool and wanted to share their stories about how they got into town. We met people from all over the country. Talked to a teacher from Kentucky, a group of photography students from Ohio, and the odd DC hipster. It was a mix that can only be described as profoundly American. All sorts of accents, hair styles, skin tones, and mannerisms. I felt like this was a truly unique time and place in history. It made me sentimental for America. It was wonderful and exhausting.

Mile 519 - Waldorf, Maryland

2009-01-19T11:11:00.003-08:00

For my British readers - it's pronounced Merra-lynd, not actually Mary-land. Don't ask me why, but it probably has to do with Americans and our lazy mouths not wanting to pronounce words correctly. And nobody in Maryland knows what the hell "Chicken Maryland" is, though I recall seeing that on many Chinese food menus in the UK.

Waldof is a suburb of DC, the bit that I'm in is rural, a few miles outside of the bit with shops. DC is about 20 miles northeast of here. I'm staying with some relatives who moved here from New Jersey a few years back; they've got a nice big home on a hill, waving an American flag in the front yard, just outside of the guest bedroom window, so that's what I saw when I awoke this morning.

Yesterday I spent 10 hours on the road, driving 519 miles. I'm in a part of the country now where people speak with a hint of a southern accent. The drive down was a bit of a mess - there was a small snowstorm through NY and NJ, but after crossing the Delaware Memorial Bridge, weather and traffic was thin and the rest of the journey was a breeze. Unfortunately, about 160 miles into the journey, a piece of luggage in the car boot knocked out a speaker wire. I pulled over to fix this, but a few minutes later it became dislodged again, so I didn't bother with it and resorted to listening to podcasts and music through headphones while driving, which wasn't so bad.

It's MLK Day, a national holiday, so everything is kind of closed, though I think we're still heading out to some open shop soonish. My Aunt, who is a bit of an anxious type who doesn't really do crowds, seemed to kind of want me to persuade her that we should go into DC for the inauguration tomorrow. Since I missed the US election, I figure going to the inauguration would make up for it. I'll be "part of history", though I'm positive that this will be a completely ill-advised move, resulting in severe annoyance, cold, and stress. I'll try to update via twitter, but we're hearing that there might not be cell service in the area. Either way, if I get out of it alive, I'll write about it here.

Bottle Rocket January playlist

2009-01-19T10:44:00.002-08:00

I just heard from Chris about BR, sounds like a doozy of a night! Here's what they played:

1. Architecture in Helsinki - Wishbone
2. Pavement - Stereo
3. The Spinto Band - Did I Tell You?
4. The Snow Faeries - Love Affairs of a Southern Belle
5. Talking Heads - Uh Oh...Love Comes To Town
6. Belle and Sebastian - She's Losing It
7. The Cure - Just Like Heaven
8. Hello Saferide - My Best Friend
9. Lou Johnson - Unsatisfied
10. The Virginia Wolves - Stay
11. Major Lance - Investigate
12. The Supremes - A Hard Day's Night
13. Polytechnic - Pep
14. Los Campesinos - End of the Asterisk
15. The Concretes - Can't Hurry Love
16. David Bowie - Sound and Vision
17. The 6ths - Falling Out of Love With You
18. The Ballet - In My Head
19. The Magnetic Fields - I Think I Need A New Heart
20. The Kinks - Picture Book
21. Prefab Sprout - King of Rock N Roll
22. Orange Juice - Poor Old Soul Part 1
23. Ra Ra Riot - Dying Is Fine
24. Wolf Parade - Language City
25. Kirsty MacCall - A New England
26. Girls Aloud - Call the Shots
27. Au Revoir Simone - Sad Song
28. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion
29. Shop Assistants - Safety Net
30. The Futureheads - Beginning of the Twist
31. The Smiths - Boy With The Thorn In His Side
32. MGMT - Kids
33. LCD Soundsystem - North American Scum
34. The Libertines - Time For Heroes
35. The Go-Betweens - Bye Bye Pride
36. Voxtrot - Kid Gloves
37. Modern Lovers - Modern World
38. The Ramones - Let's Dance
39. Buzzcocks - What Do I Get?
40. Belle and Sebastian - Legal Man
41. Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
42. ABBA - SOS
43. Mystery Jets - Somewhere In My Heart
44. The Bangles - Walk Like an Egyptian
45. We Were Promised Jetpacks - Quiet Little Voices
46. Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
47. Weezer - Hash Pipe
48. Pixies - U-Mass
49. Idlewild - Actually It's Darkness
50. Wire - Dot Dash
51. Pulp - Babies
52. Blur - On Your Own
53. Bruce Springsteen - Hungry Heart
54. Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh
55. Prince - When Doves Cry
56. Outkast - Hey Ya
57. Billy Idol - Mony Mony
58. Michael Jackson - Beat It

xx

Mile 0 - Stony Creek, New York

2009-01-18T07:18:00.005-08:00

About 250 miles north of New York City, nuzzled in a high valley of the Adirondack Mountains, lies this tiny town of around 600. The winters are harsh, usually lasting from October through April. There's no economy to speak of, aside from two local bars, one coin-op laundry, and one small family-run general store. Sarah Palin might refer to this type of town as "real America". My family moved up here a few weeks before my 15th birthday, bringing me up from Staten Island NYC. It was my first real case of culture shock, and I never fully recovered.

As you can see, it's snowing here. For real. The roads aren't well cared for, and most everyone drives some sort of truck/SUV, but this is one of those places where you can't really argue for small cars, because the nearest supermarket is about 12 miles away, as is the nearest school.

From here I go to New Jersey to have tea with my Grandmother.

Cleaning out my closet

2009-01-17T16:03:00.003-08:00

It's just strange. All of this. I wonder if I'm even awake half of the time. Is my mom actually dating a nice man? Is my ex really a mother of two? Has my oldest friend really become some sort of international hyper-businessman? Am I really unemployed all of a sudden? Where did all the British people go? Is it really colder now than it has been in 13 years?

I had to clean out my closet today. Digging through just random things that I've just tossed into old shoeboxes throughout my life; it's very unsettling. Why do we save some of this stuff? Is it just because one day we'll stumble across it and say, "huh", and try to remember for a moment before tossing it into a bin. I came across loads of old papers from school (my handwriting has never improved, nor has my math skills); old newspaper clippings (some stuff that Jeff and I wrote when we were teens; newspapers from Sept 12th 2001); a couple of baseball gloves (one actually still fit me); a plethora of dead pens, old CMJ magazines; old WGFR notes and clipboards; loads of promotional stickers and posters of bands who never made it; some really awkwardly bad poetry; some of Tracy's sketches (which I'm saving); a small change bucket that my grandmother used in Atlantic City once; a few of those prayer cards that one gets at funerals; school books that I never read; old high school schedules, etc, etc.

In the past week I've spent some time with my oldest friend and also my first real girlfriend. It's been a bit like "this is your life Joseph Wrenn". I feel like I'm about to die, or I just don't know what this is all about. Maybe it's because I was so secluded, protected from the past by the mighty Atlantic, and if I had never left none of this would feel so strange. My poor mother has no idea what to do with me. I can't talk with her about much of anything, she says that I'm too intense, so I just kind of give up and focus on my upcoming trip and stick to small talk, which just makes me want to get out of the house. All that I've done and accomplished I fear is meaningless to my family, I sense some hostility toward me for leaving in the first place. I recall something that I learned quite some time ago - nobody is going to help, it's all on me. If I can't do it for myself, I'm toast.

Talking to my ex, a mother of two who has lived through a hell that makes my life seem downright charmed, I'm given an honest perspective of family that I've never before been privy to. I don't know exactly why I'm thinking about family all of a sudden, perhaps it's my age, or the fact that I talked about marriage so intensely in the past month; I guess both of those things factor in, and anyway I'm at an age where people I know are starting families, so it's hard to avoid.

I'm having difficulty finding a reason for this upcoming journey. My excitement has waned; I don't really want to bother with flat hunting and job applications and sitting there smiling at people and trying to convince them that I'm awesome. I've been through this all too much, and am tired of playing games. A few years back my goal was to find a place in this world where I felt like I belonged. I found it in Glasgow, and was starting to warm up to London. I'll try...I'll give America a chance. I have no other choice.

Maybe this is just culture shock. Yes, I'm an American having culture shock in America. I shouldn't be surprised and appalled at the way things work over here, but I am. Everything is built for cash flow, and built to excess. Basic things that would be free in other parts of the world cost money here. ATM machines charge a transaction fee. You have to pay to drive on the Interstate, or to cross a bridge. Even the luggage trolly things at the airport cost $3 to use. Random fees are added onto everything. Turning on the TV, I'm just slammed by the volume of advertising, it's everywhere. I don't know why people even pay for cable anymore, it's like paying someone to throw ads in your face all day.

But anyway, I'm setting off tomorrow. I'm going to try and stop in NJ to visit my grandmother, who I assume would like to see me. After that I'm heading down to Maryland (just outside of DC) to visit some other family, hopefully for a few days, though they've already warned me against trying to get into DC for the inauguration on Tuesday.

I'll post the road trip schedule up tomorrow morning.

I'm missing Bottle Rocket right now.

Trans-Atlantic moving is a pain in the ass

2009-01-14T03:59:00.006-08:00

London to JFK.

Flew Aer Lingus, which is a modest Irish airline that will charge you decent fares for one-way flights, unlike every other airline which charges you more to fly one-way than return. I don't get that. But anyhoo, it's a cheap and cheerful airline, and I've always loved the Irish, so not really a bother for me. And aside from the 3-hour delay at Heathrow and barely just catching my connecting flight at Dublin, the lack of any on-board entertainment, the lack of a veggie meal option, the broken seats, and the cranky infant a few feet to my left, it was a decent enough experience. At least it was better than the rest of my journey home.

JFK to Stony Creek.

The experience at the Hertz counter was very pleasant, far more so than my previous attempt at renting a car in NYC, in which I was denied due to having a PO Box address on my drivers license. But the Hertz woman was very friendly, smiley, and encouraging. "It's snowing out" I said, "Has the car got snow tires?". She smiled and responded "All of our vehicles have weather-appropriate tires for this winter season". I had no reason to doubt her, as Hertz is a reputable agency and I'm sure their JFK branch is one of their busiest in the world. With surprising ease I was given keys to a gray Chevy Aveo.

Now, it's been a while since driving in a New York winter. 3 years to be exact. I was afraid that I'd forgotten the basics, but once I got behind the wheel, my instincts kicked in and I felt like a pro. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm an excellent driver; not a single accident in 13 years and no tickets in about 8. I was happy to be back in a country where we drive on the right side of the road and there's no bother with manual transmission, my cars "shift themselves", recalling that hilarious scene from Buffalo '66. But I had been through a long enough day at that point, on very little sleep, nearly no food (a scone and some rice on the plane), plunged deep into new depths of exhaustion, as well as feeling more than just a little heartsick. I was in no mood to drive 250 miles through the snow after crossing the Atlantic. It's a journey that I've made loads of times over the past 15 years, and I was relieved to realize that I had not forgotten the route. There was little traffic in the city at this point, around 8pm on Saturday night, which was a bit alarming to me, and soon I had realized why this was. Tuning into the local news station on the radio, I was advised to "stay off the roads unless you absolutely have to travel". Awesome.

Oh, and the car did not have snow tires.

What followed was 7 hours of white-knuckle driving through ice and snow, from the metropolis into the mountains. There were few cars on the road, and a few off of the road, stuck in ditches or just pulled over waiting for conditions to improve. I just wanted to get into bed, as I was starting to have nap attacks and had to stimulate myself by using those old standbys of rolling down the window and playing music really loud. The freezing cold wind wasn't pleasant, but it did the trick to keep my sleepy ass alert. I stopped off for coffee/pee breaks about 4x, which dragged out the journey but was necessary re-fueling of my beaten down body.

I arrived home at around 2:30 in the morning, having at that point been awake for 25 straight hours. It was one of the longest, most difficult days of my entire life. My poor brain and heart feel as if they're entrenched in a war, me against reality. My dear mother had been waiting up for hours to make sure I was home safely, I don't think I've ever seen her awake at that hour. I was ready to drop dead but she wanted to stay up and chat, which we did until 4 or something, I don't really remember, I'm sure I was just mumbling incoherently to her at that point. And the next morning the phone kept ringing, so I was up at 8, talking to relatives who wanted to welcome me home and re-assure me that family ties matter.

I've kind of lost track of days and time. It could be the jet-lag on top of the fatigue; I've woke up at around 6am the past couple of days, never really knowing where I am or what day it is.

Stony Creek to NYC

After just spending one full day in Stony Creek, I had to return the rental car to JFK. Luckily the weather was nice, well, I mean it's fucking freezing but at least the sun was out so the roads were safe. This time it only took 4.5 hours, and after dropping the car off, I met up with my old friend Jeff, revisiting a friendship that has lasted longer than any other in my life. He bought me lots of tasty food and took me around his Upper East Side neighborhood and we went to see The Wrestler, which was fantastic. His hospitality was comforting and very much appreciated. I'm also fascinated to see how we've both grown up, having known each other since we were grungy teens who used to talk about Sonic Youth and the Sex Pistols; now we're discussing economic policy and global cuisine. I'm really proud of him, he's done better for himself than anyone I know.

NYC to New Jersey

After seeing Jeff, I go on the bus to Asbury Park, NJ, to visit my father; I think this was the 4th time I've ever seen him. I won't write much about this bit, but he and his girlfriend were very nice and hospitable, letting me sleep on their futon and making me really great coffee that they probably got from one of their Central American adventures.

NJ to Stony Creek, via NYC

The next morning I was away back to NYC to catch the bus up north. Since landing at JFK, I've gone up and down the state of NY 3 times; I must have traveled about 900 miles on the ground and yet my road trip hasn't even started yet. Now I'm back up at my mom's in Stony Creek, this small town of about 600 in the Adirondack mountains, where there is one tiny mom & pop country store, 2 bars, and a good deal of snow covering everything outside. I'm going to try to do very little for the rest of the week, at least nothing that requires travel, as I clean house and prepare for the big road trip.

This is the post about Amsterdam

2009-01-08T06:12:00.004-08:00

After New Year's Eve, which I spent at How Does it Feel to be Loved in Brixton, I headed out to Amsterdam, for my final little European adventure.

I spent two nights in the 'dam with a lady friend who was visiting from NYC. Neither of us are really into the sort of things that make Amsterdam infamous, we're more interested in urban spaces and structure. I'm kind of a history buff, specifically the Holocaust, as well as a fan of Van Gogh, so those two things combined with my wanderlust figured to keep me busy for 48 cold hours.

As anyone who has been to Amsterdam can attest, the city centre is, uh, seedy. I mean, we got in quite late on Jan 1st, and nothing was really open, the city was dark and quiet, and we were hungry. Seeking out some famous frites, we wandered around a maze of surprisingly filthy streets (the remnants of the previous night's festivities had not been attended to by the municipality, who presumably had the day off). The only people out were nasty men...there were, quite literally, no women to be seen, aside from my friend. I felt very uneasy about the whole thing, like we were walking amongst sleeping dragons and had to try very hard not to antogonize any of them. It all ended relatively uneventfully (had to deal with some shoving in the frites queue), and we enjoyed a little relaxation and bonding time in a coffee place, though our cashier was hilariously rude and angry with just about everything. He looked like Edward James Olmos with dreads and threw things down on the counter and mumbled to himself quite a bit.

The simple, central Amsterdam is essentially for frat boys with passports. The city centre is all about sex and drugs and is full of the kind of people who would travel for such things - scuzzy dudes. But, outside of the city centre lies a relatively delightful city. The canalside walks are lovely. The buildings shine, like, I mean, the whites really truly glow, it is an amazing sight unlike anything I've seen before. The lack of car pollution keeps the structures in pristine condition. There are about a trillion bicycles in the city, but no helmets. People in Amsterdam operate at a very slow pace, we both got a bit huffy with people walking so slowly and randomly just stopping in front of us. The street food is good - top notch frites (though not quite as good as Belgium) and other veggie options abound. We had an amazing dinner at a vegetarian restaurant in Jordann - my favourite district of the city.

The Van Gogh museum and Rijksmuseum were both very nice, though the crowds at both were quite heavy and sullied the enjoyment. I was delighted to see that the Van Gogh museum had Renior's "The Skiff" on loan, I hadn't seen it before and Renior is my favourite painter. But nothing could really top seeing Van Gogh's "Crows in the Field", the painting that he apparently capped himself in the chest upon completion. It was a stunning experience. The Rijksmuseum was great for Rembrant's masterworks, which are technically brilliant, adoringly displayed, and meticulously explained.

While my friend was on a bicycle tour, I ventured around the canals to the Anne Frank House, the highlight of my trip. It's not quite the Holocaust experience that draws me to Frank, but her urgent desire to communicate in a time that she knew was an extraordinary example of oppression. To walk up those same stairs as her family and fellows in hiding was a sobering experience, but to approach that famous book case was a knock-out blow. I felt light-headed and weak, slightly ill, with a dam-bursting flood building up behind my eyes. Still I kept it together, if anything because of all the distractions - so many folks dragging their bratty kids through this house, a place that has become a melancholy monument to the human spirit. It's not the first time I've encountered such appaling inconsideration, I've been to the Holocaust museum in Berlin and experienced the same nonsense with families who were there for no real reason other than that it lies on the tourist trail. I don't know, I shouldn't judge parents; I'm just lucky to be doing these things with my life before I have children.

Overall my advice to anyone wishing to visit Amsterdam would be to visit these three museums that I've mentioned, stay out of the city centre (even if you're looking to smoke, there are nicer places outside of the centre), and take a walk through Vondel Park (which I did, though it was freezing). The Filmmuseum (in Vondel Park) isn't really a musem, but actually a cinema playing really good old films but has a nice little gift shop. Wander around the canals, check out the streets in the Jordann and Pjip districts, eat some frits with mayo or peanut sauce, and think about life without cars.

Last day at the BBC

2009-01-08T05:48:00.003-08:00

For years, I dreamed of living in London and working at the BBC. Now, just a few months after getting myself through the door, I'm on my way out because of this nightmare visa problem.

It's been fun here, and I'll miss my colleagues. I'll miss the shouting and swearing and the laughs and the odd celebratory cake-fest. I'll miss the relatively clean loos and the top floor observation deck in nice weather. I'll miss the free tea and coffee and the fancy new espresso machine. I'm really going to miss the cultural mix and vibrancy of working at the BBC, in my small department of 14 we've got at least six different nationalities represented.

I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities, and don't really look forward to the inevitable string of low-paying temp jobs that I'm bound to be awfully overqualified for. But I'm still trying to be somewhat positive about life in the USA, I don't really have a choice anymore. But hey, lots of challenges to look forward to! Adventures ahoy!

Things that are here with me

2009-01-05T10:15:00.005-08:00

I am in London. I have called in sick to work today. I am living in limbo for the next week.

Things that are here, in place or in spirit:

A job that I should probably go to even though I am, and have for the past three months, been suffering from exhaustion.

A very cold bedroom, which is warmer than it was a month ago but still makes me feel horrible.

A few suitcases. Four to be exact. Two of which are allowed to go to New York with me, the other two...not so lucky, and will probably spend eternity in the basement of this flat, frozen, perhaps to be thawed out after this ice age.

A number of items that I have collected over the past 2.5 years. Books, DVDs, academic papers, a few stray batteries, an assortment of ticket stubs from gigs, stubs from museums in foreign lands, boarding tickets from flights to foreign lands, pictures of people in movies that I like, a DVD player that will be sadly left behind, scarves, ties, a tangle of headphones, four pairs of battered shoes, a small bag of Bottle Rocket badges that I forgot to bring to Glasgow last time, an ugly little stress ball that was a gift from Amanda because I think I used to be very stressed when I lived in New York.

A great deal of confusion about a girl.

A laptop, which is probably a greater source of warmth than the joke of a radiator a meter to my right.

A longing for peace.

Many podcasts that I listen to as I pack and sort items for the trip to the USA. Some of these include - 3 episodes of This American Life, the latest episodes of Savage Love, On the Media, Radio Lab, and The Bugle, and the last two episodes of Filmspotting.

A desire to go see Che at the cinema.

A handful of old Bottle Rocket flyers.

A wardrobe full of clothes that I have no room for in my suitcases.

A runny nose and persistent cough.

A desire to wake up in a warm room with a loving partner and no worries about visa issues.

A screenplay that I hope to finish next week in Stony Creek, though this is unlikely, but maybe somewhere along the road it will get done.

Two ideas that I want to develop into screenplays.

Ill-advised, not-yet paid for plans to come back to the UK.

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T07:17:00.004-08:00

OK so everyone I love you. Thanks very very much for keeping up with me during this year, which has been another incredible year of personal discovery and increasing deafness. This past month has been really rough for me but writing here and playing songs and dancing have kept me happy. Since I found out that I'll have to leave the country and started writing more introspectively, this site has had an 83% growth in readership, which is really interesting, I thought that surely it would be relegated to just my closest friends. I've reached 52 countries (!), and most of the readers come from London, New York, and my dear, dear Glasgow. I've also been getting regular readers from Stockholm, Oslo, and Hollywood, which is nice, though I'm afraid the Hollywood folks are just after my brilliant writing and ideas.

So listen to Camera Obscura's Happy New Year at some point today, go out and dance tonight, and hope that you all get a new year's kiss. I'll be at How Does It Feel to be Loved in Brixton, so if you're there, please do say hello!

xx

Best albums of 2008 (1-5)

2008-12-28T12:00:00.002-08:00

5. Sigur Ros
Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust (V2)

Don't be fooled by the single, Sigur Ros have not made a pop album, just a few really neat pop songs thrown into a spectacular Sigur Ros album. Sigur Ros are one of the bands of our generation that are so fucking good that I'd try hard not to die, just to hear what they'll do next.

Here's a live video of them playing the album's best track:

4. Portishead
Third (Mercury/Island)

I know, it's freakin' Portishead, and it should be number 1. But that's not really fair. I'll give them this - Third is the best major-label album of the year. There's nothing to stop Portishead, I don't even know why they even bothered making another album, because they were already clearly the best in the world at the kind of music they make. But they exceeded expectations and changed up their style - less turntables and more drums, as per the evolution of things. Wanna appreciate Portishead? Just pay close attention to Beth Gibbons' vocal placement on Machine Gun. That, my friends, is masterful musical instinct.

3. No Age
Nouns (Sub Pop)

No Age are two really cool dudes from LA named Dean and Randy. They hang out with their fans and keep busy with their blog. They made a record called Nouns that is 30 minutes of Husker Du/Sonic Youth inspired punk rock; it's pure fun explosions of noise, and is one of those rare albums that one feels could be moving music forward.

2. Beach House
Devotion (Carpark)

Full of dark and delicate dreams, Devotion is like the album Portishead would have made if they lived in Balitmore and had no money. Indie acts don't normally make this kind of music, which makes Beach House even more special; a duo playing melancholy dream pop to small, eager audiences at intimate venues, which is where this album really shines. Have a listen to Gila and I'm sure you'll be hooked and putting Devotion on when you're trying to set the mood. This is sensual stuff.

1. Los Campesinos!
Hold On Now Youngster/We Are Beautiful We Are Doomed (Wichita)

If there is a sign of pop to come, I believe it can be found in the songs of Cardiff's Los Campesinos! This band has thrown the book of indie cool out the window of their tour bus and done everything wrong - releasing 2 albums in a year that they're still only just breaking out, putting an ! after their name, putting their own band name in their songs, having way too many people in their band...seriously, you would think this is a bunch of ADD teenagers who just ransacked the local music shop and started writing songs based on stuff they've seen on facebook. So, add it up...carefree experimentation, hyperactivity, unguided ambition, sloppiness...it's clearly an homage to the indie rock of the 90s, hooray! Let's have it folks - peace, prosperity, and post-hardcore. Los Campesinos are having a blast by doing what they love and not really giving a toss if it offends the hipster community. This is literate, heart-on-sleeve stuff, the kind of rock that emo was supposed to be before it got completely stupid.

"You, Me, Dancing" is already a bona-fide indie disco favourite. "Sweet Dreams, Sweet Cheeks" is one of the best songs of the year, a rambunctious stomper of which any band would love to be able to have in their arsenal to conclude a gig in a fit of hysteria. These albums are fun, smart, emotional, and explosive. They're sure to divide audiences, but I'm glad to be firmly on the side of Los Campesinos, who, I believe, along with Danananananaykroyd, will herald in a new era of indie rock by paying tribute to bands like Pavement, Fugazi, and Sleater-Kinney.

Sweet Dreams, Sweet Cheeks - Los Campesinos!

You, Me, Dancing!

Death to Los Campesinos!

My Year in Lists

Best albums of 2008 (6-10)

2008-12-28T10:18:00.004-08:00

10. Marnie Stern
This Is It And I Am It So You Are It And So Is That And He Is It And She I (Kill Rock Stars)

The title sort of sums up this album's sound pretty well - fast and overloaded. Marnie Stern, already my number 1 celebrity crush of 2008, continues to shred face with one of the best guitar records in all of indiedom.

Transformer - Marnie Stern

9. Why?
Alopecia (Anticon)

Anyone looking for a great example of literate indie psych-folk hip-hop need look no further than Yoni Wolf's Why? With Alopecia, a full-band effort, Wolf's tales of hipster alienation are fleshed out to a more accessible degree, but that doesn't take away from the edge of the storytelling.

The Hollows - WHY?

8. She and Him
Volume One (Merge)

The super-duo of Zooey Deschanel and M Ward produced a lovely little album of boppy folk numbers reminscent of the Shangri-Las or Dusty Springfield. Stripped-down to it's sugary core, Volume One is one of 2008's sweetest albums.

7. Fleet Foxes
Fleet Foxes (Sub Pop)

Already crowned best album of the year by the heavily influential Pitchfork, Fleet Foxes probably don't need much explaining. And that's just fine, the music is pretty and simple, constantly drawing comparisons to Fleetwood Mac and CSNY. It may be a sign of aging hipsters running the show, but Fleet Foxes have managed, I believe, to write at least one song that is timeless and deserving of the hype. I don't have an mp3 handy, but you can listen to Tiger Mountain Peasant Song for free at Last.fm.

6. TV On The Radio
Dear Science (Geffen/Interscope)

With their most accessible album yet, TV On The Radio are in a strange place. A band that every critic on earth is in love with, yet not many people know who they are. I know, I know...WE know who they are, but even if I mention them to a colleage at work, I still have to go into some sort of fit trying to describe their sound, frustrated that everyone else isn't already a fan. They are Gods among musical artists. Dear Science is an intense, dark, and cumbersome album that begins and ends amazingly - Halfway Home, DLZ, and Lovers Day are 3 of the very best songs of the year. If albums deserved actual awards, than by all means, give those awards to TVOTR for Dear Science.
Their label is a bit nuts about content on the web, so why not just go over to their cool ass website to get yr fill.

Best albums of 2008 (11-25)

2008-12-28T09:52:00.004-08:00

It was an odd year for music, nothing really emerged as the next new trend, though I've got my suspicions as to what it's gonna be and will expand on it in the other half of this list. But, aside from TV On the Radio and Portishead, there wasn't any huge band that we all know and love releasing an album to move us to hysteria like Arcade Fire and Radiohead in 2007. But it was a banner year for indies...well I say that but it's really all I listen to these days.

I missed a LOT of albums this year, as it's been hectic with the club so and I tended to seek out far dancier fare than usual. Some notable not-heards: Cut Copy, M83 (which is insane, I really like M83), Air France, Shearwater, The Notwist, The Mae Shi, Kanye West (I've not heard any of his stuff but he seems to be part of the indieverse somehow), The Walkmen, Hold Steady, Girl Talk, Nick Cave, Bonnie Prince Billy. Wow...shocking...I blame this on my iPod being an asshole and not talking to my laptop for the past two months or whatever.

Here it is:

25. Santogold - s/t
24. Crystal Stilts - Alight of Night
23. Fucked Up - The Chemistry of Common Life
22. Of Montreal - Skeletal Lamping
21. Hello Saferide - More Modern Short Stories from Hello Saferide
20. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
19. Deerhunter - Microcastle
18. Vivian Girls - s/t
17. Vampire Weekend - s/t
16. Titus Andronicus - The Airing of Grievances
15. Fuck Buttons - Street Horrrsing
14. Hercules and Love Affair - s/t
13. Wolf Parade - At Mount Zoomer
12. Women - s/t
11. Sons and Daughters - This Gift

Personal 2008 best of - live experiences

2008-12-28T08:12:00.004-08:00

I've been to so many gigs over the past 10 years that most of them become mundane chores that I feel obligated to attend just because I'm part of that whole scene. But part of the reason why I keep going is for the adventure of finding that one performance that will knock me on my ass, that will remind me why I love the live medium so much more than most things on earth. These are two live experiences from the past year that did just that.

Envy
All Tomorrow's Parties
Butlins Holiday Resort, Minehead, UK
May 18th 2008

When I was younger and listening to a lot of hardcore, my favourite of that genre was the spaced-out shoegazer version, that of the smoky bombast of Will Haven or the metallic thunder of Codeseven's criminally ignored "Division of Labor" ep. It's music that not just dominates, but becomes the environment. Envy's performance, the final one of an exhausting ATP at Butlins, did just that, it engulfed me into another world; the music pummeling me into a euphoria of explosive animation. I stood up front with Duncan and headbanged away for what seemed like an hour straight, dodging the flying bodies overhead and never once worrying that I may in fact be too old for this sort of thing. We came out deaf and bruised, but with huge smiles on our faces.

Dananananaykroyd
The Barrowland Ballroom
Glasgow, UK
October 5th, 2008

It has been an absolute joy to see the evolution of this Glasgow band, and on October 5th, Dananananaykroyd graduated to the big leagues. The Barrowland Ballroom is arguably the best room to play in all of the UK, and the 'kroyd were merely there as the first of 3 acts, supporting Foals. I've nearly slept through other opening acts at the Barrowland, but this wasn't any opening act - this was a transformational experience for the band who I am confident will be known as the best in the UK come 2009. In all my years gig going, I have hardly ever seen an opening band brimming with such energy, playing with such heart, as if this were their singular time to shine. As they tore through their set with joyful vigor, I could see the excitement in the crowd of 14 year olds who didn't know exactly what they were witnessing, but were sure that it was something bloody well special. The future of music is exciting with this lot around.

There's not any great video footage of this performance out there that I know of, but go over to their myspace page for pics, tour dates, and songs. And of course follow their blog, which is linked in the sidebar of this site.

Best films of 2008 (1-10)

2008-12-28T04:13:00.005-08:00

10. Of Time and the City

My most personal pick of the lot, this film has a very narrow appeal - basically if you love Terence Davies you're in for a treat, as for 72 glorious minutes Davies recites poetry and shares memories from his childhood while images from his home town of Liverpool flash across the screen. Seeing this film at the BFI with Davies in attendance to discuss the film and accept a BFI fellowship after was one of the most affecting experiences I've ever had in a cinema. Davies is a national treasure and it breaks my heart that he must struggle to fund even the smallest of films.

9. Gomorrah

It's about damned time that someone made this film. As much as I love Goodfellas and The Godfather, the mafia has been glorified to irrational heights by idiots around the world. Gomorrah finally gets down to the realty - organized crime in Italy is ugly, gross, filthy, unfair, and hellish. This is bold social realism in league with City of God.

8. Vicky Christina Barcelona

I've mentioned before that I had to go to Paris to see this film, because that was the closest it was playing to London. It was worth it. Woody Allen's 39th film is an homage to old European new wave cinema, an exploration of frivolity and sensuality and art; a playful romp that is Allen's finest work since 1997's Deconstructing Harry. UK audiences can finally see this little wonder in early February, just in time for Valentine's Day.

7. Happy Go Lucky

Mike Leigh, one of the great British directors of all time, well known for his gritty social realism in gut-wrenching films like Naked, Secrets and Lies, and Vera Drake, was an unlikely fellow to deliver one of 2008's best date movies. Irresistibly charming, Happy Go Lucky's protagonist Poppy irritated those cynics out there with her optimism, but others fell in love with her, giving us faith that there are Lononders over 30 who have managed to keep their spirits up in the frustrating search for love in such a decidedly unromantic city.

6. In Bruges

Irish playwright Martin McDonagh's directorial debut about two hitmen hiding out in Bruges proved to be a smashing success, as well as the most fun at the cinema all year. If this is McDonagh just starting out, we may be witnessing the birth of the next great auteur of entertaining cinema.

5. Waltz With Bashir

Ari Folman's roto-scoped introspective dreamer is a great example of memory, a film digging through fragments of memory and the surreal in search of the truth around a horrific moment of the war between Israel and Lebanon in the early 1980s. Deeply poetic and surreal, Waltz With Bashir stands out amongst a barrage of films about wars in the Middle-East.

4. 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days

This Romanian masterpiece about a girl trying to help her friend through an illegal abortion was the single more terrifying film of the past year. Not only is this one of the best films to come out of the New Wave of New Europe, but it may well be the launching point for actress Anamaria Marinca, who turns in a truly staggering performance as Otilia, the girl trying to hold together her wounded friend as well as save face with her boyfriend's family. Marinca did get properly noticed by some very good people, and will be starring in one of my most anticipated films of 2009 - Julie Delpy's The Countess.

3. Persepolis

I was immensely frustrated that it took until April for Perspolis to reach the UK. The personal nature of the material and the cool, dark animation make Marjane Satrapi's journey of personal and cultural discovery a great story for our time; it's one of those films that one wishes entire populations would see, believing, perhaps naively, that the world would be a better place for it.

2. In Search of a Midnight Kiss

I saw this while working at The Glasgow Film Festival, and it blew me away. I went back to see it during it's limited UK run over the summer, and it didn't lose any of its magic. Here is a little gem of filmmaking, the kind of film that Truffaut may have been thinking of when he said "the film of tomorrow will be an act of love"; a deeply personal expression of feeling. It's a film about a guy and a girl looking for love on New Year's Eve. Simple, honest, and sincere. Why can't there be more movies like this?!

1. Wall E

Like my favourite film of 2007, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", this year's number 1 is a film which conveys loneliness through the art of cinema with an astonishing degree of mastery and very little dialogue. It is the human condition, after all, and what a stroke of genius to explore it through a little robot. Wall E is a miracle of filmmaking, it is the marriage of technology and humanity reaching a new pinnacle of cinematic expression.

Best films of 2008 (11-30)

2008-12-28T03:54:00.003-08:00

Starting out part 1 of 2 of the best of 2008 in film. As I've said before, I'm omitting obvious films that came out in the UK too late to make the 2007 list (Juno, No Country, Blood, etc). I'm doing a Top 30, and here's the bottom 20 of the list. I'll work on a top 10 with a bit more depth to have up later today.

30. (Rec)
29. W.
28. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
27. Iron Man
26. Burn After Reading
25. I've Loved You So Long
24. Changeling
23. The Orphanage
22. Be Kind Rewind
21. XXY
20. My Winnipeg

19. Zack and Miri Make A Porno
18. California Dreamin'
17. Son of Rambow
16. The Reader
15. Hunger
14. The Dark Knight
13. Man on Wire
12. Somers Town
11. Paranoid Park

Added a blogroll

2008-12-26T16:59:00.002-08:00

If you've got a blog that links to mine, or if you're just a friend who writes a blog that I don't yet know about, please let me know and I'll throw it on the blogroll that I've added to the sidebar. I've added links to blogs by my friends Stacey, Laura, and James so far, along with some music blogs, including the Dananananaykroyd blog!